Wednesday, March 31, 2010

it hasn't really hit me yet

Today is my last day at Facebook. Not enough energy to handle work and not-work right now, so making the tough decision to go. It's hard to let go of a place where you helped create things from's like sending your baby off into the world without you. I'm quite proud of what I helped build...I've worked with some really good people here. And that's the hardest part about leaving: there are always other jobs, but it's the people that are tough to replace.

It doesn't feel real yet...honestly, right now, all I can think of is that I'll finally be able to give in to this illness, instead of having to tough it out to finish off my last days at work. Which is pretty sad...

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

same cough, different day

The past two nights have been bad...even being uber-medicated, the cough still made its presence known. Overall, it's getting better, but it's exhausting...I think I'm just going to have to give in, give up, and stay in bed for as many days as it takes. Starting next week...way too busy this week to do it. :^)

Monday, March 22, 2010


That's how I've been describing the weird state of little-to-no-sleep-coughing-every-other-breath [which leaves you disconnected and loopy], alternated with getting-some-sleep-but-only-when-medicated-to-the-gills [which leaves you disconnected and medicine-heady]. Combine that with diminished lung capacity [which adds to the light-headedness], and it's been quite the trip.


[in case you were wondering, the title is a nod to "kafkaesque" ]

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

hacker's delight

Miserable night...coughing until past midnight, finally fell fitfully asleep only to wake up at 4a coughing. And coughing. With every breath, it seemed. Eventually got it calmed down by taking two different meds, so managed to eke out an hour or so of sleep. Really should be staying home, but we are in the middle of the big year-end audit at work, and because I was out, I now have only days to complete at least three weeks' worth of work. Fun times.

Monday, March 15, 2010

lousy few days

Cough. Cough cough cough. Cooooouuuggghhh. Cough cough. Cough.


Thursday, March 11, 2010

murphy, you bastard

Been a rough week or so...haven't been sleeping, and both Will and I are sick [he is on the tail end of his, and I'm just starting it...guess who gave the germs to whom]. And because the universe is a right bastard sometimes, this is the week I headed back to work. Of course. As Dad was fond of saying, "Murphy strikes again". But on the plus side, I get to carpool with Will again...

Saturday, March 06, 2010

sum of its parts

He was so tired. After she was gone, he just kind of...deflated. He had made no secret of the fact that she was his reason for breathing, the one that kept him going. And once she was gone, he lost momentum. He loved the people in her life, loved them for what they meant to her, but he had lost the one person who had been with him, stuck with him, stayed by his side for years. So he was lonely, even while being surrounded by people who cared for and about him.

He tried to keep the loneliness under control by keeping busy; he kept busy by taking care of the people who cared about her, showing them that he loved them for how they loved her. Then, one day, the things keeping him busy were done. And the weight hit him in force, the pain he'd been living with every day and especially in the lonely hours of the night, the weight of how tired he was, how lonely he was, and how much he missed never went away, even though he tried to act like it did, tried to pretend like he wasn't terminally ill, like he wasn't missing her and their life together. He didn't fool us, and eventually, he stopped trying to...and that's when our hearts broke, when we knew.

He's not lonely now. He doesn't hurt now.

But we do.