Saturday, November 26, 2011

not quite as planned

Picking Will up from the airport in a couple hours...he had a family emergency, which led to a last-minute flight to the other side of the country, then he stayed through Thanksgiving. Been holding down the fort here, bouncing between houses, keeping an eye on cats and dog and mail and sprinklers and gardeners and life here in the Bay Area. More stupid frustrating shit: garage door opener stopped working, Bean is slowly getting worse so doing the mental ping-pong game of 'when is the right time to say goodbye?', slipped and fell in my entryway [wet shoes + slick tile = slapstick comedy with bruises], light in hallway is flickering and burning up light bulbs again [landlord's husband says he can't find anything wrong with it, just needs a fresh bulb...sigh]. But it's all really nothing compared to what Will has been dealing with this past week...rough times for the poor guy, can't wait to have him home.

I will say that I fucking *hate* this time of year. I love winter, love the cooler weather, love so much about it, but these months just wear me down. It's a result of many years of bad seasons...shit going down during the winter months, stuff that just keeps piling on each year. Death [too much death], sadness, loss, frustration, all starting more than ten years back and just adding on each year. It's gotten so ridiculous that poor Will, sweetheart that he is, apologized when he got his bad news...he hugged me and said that he was hoping to give me just one good winter for once [see what a good one I found? In the middle of everything he is dealing with, he thinks to take care of me...he's a keeper].

The trick each year is not falling into the 'self-fulfilling prophecy' trap, of assuming things will be bad, which in turn can make them bad. On the plus side, the stuff that has happened over the past years was nothing that I could have controlled, so I'm pretty sure they weren't caused by my negativity or "down-ness"...on the negative side, there was nothing I could have controlled, damn it, so there wasn't anything I could do to turn it around and make it better. Harrumph.

So here is how I'm working on getting through it: by finding the individual moments of brightness and smiles, trying to let the big picture flow over me and not focusing on it quite so much. There can be a lot of good moments in every day, even if sometimes you have to seek them out or make them happen...and in a couple of hours, I'm heading to the airport to make one happen. Can't wait...

Monday, September 26, 2011

stolen from my latest facebook status

...because I'm too lazy to retype it:

"A tiring few weeks...out of house for a new roof; early morning frantic call from landlord about debris raining down on my car in the garage; out of house longer for the repair of the hole in bedroom ceiling caused by roofers; rip pinky nail off halfway down and halfway across [effing *ouch*]; shred skin off fingertips whilst scrubbing carpet [don't ask]; discover gardeners have broken two more sprinkler heads; car won't start, get it back from service three days later and snarlgrowl it won't start even worse [don't judge the grammar, it's poetic license]; and the worst crime of all: I spilled a beer. I tell you, it's the little things that wear you down. >.<"

Sunday, September 11, 2011


Will is in New York today. He and a few others in the fire department flew out to be there when the Bay2Brooklyn team came into the city...two guys from the Santa Clara Fire Department who started a cross-country bike ride on August 2nd, in honor and memory of the 343 firefighters who lost their lives ten years ago today. This morning they are gathered with firefighters from all over the globe at the Firemen's Memorial in Riverside Park, a sea of uniforms, hats, badges, honoring fallen comrades and celebrating those who continue the work.

I can't imagine what it must be like to be there today. The emotion, the camaraderie, the brotherhood. Mourning what was lost, celebrating the courage, honoring those who continue to give. Realizing you are a part of something much, much bigger than you realized. Humbling and inspiring, and not just a little overwhelming.

Here's to the past and what it makes of us.

Here's to the future and what we make of it.

Monday, August 29, 2011

this is *not* going to be fun

Happily shopping away, putting some soda in the cart, feel a pinch/pull on my pinky. Look down to see that I've apparently caught my nail and bent it back...something we've all done at one time or another. Then I look closer.

That lovely red line in the middle of the nail? That's where it ripped. Ow. Ow ow ow. You know, there is a reason fingernails are common components in torture... >.<

[and I've realized that I use my pinky quite a bit while typing. I am currently hating the left shift key and the letter 'a'. thankfully 'q' and 'z' aren't used as often, so they escape my scorn. for now. until I have to type about quiet zebras or something. then I'll hate them just as much. maybe more. so here's hoping those striped horses stay noisy.]

Saturday, August 27, 2011

a wonderful surprise

I came home yesterday to find these waiting patiently for me:

[sorry for the lousy camera plus low light :^( ]

My Aunt Monie sent them to me for my birthday...and I don't think she'll ever really know how much it meant to me. Thank you, Antimony. I love you.

Friday, August 19, 2011

the other side of the coin

He heard a lot of things during those weeks before he died. Questions people had, their confusion, the hope that things would change. One thing that came up as a theme more often than others: cowardice. He wasn't thinking of others, he was being selfish, he was "running away", "giving up", "not trying".

I said it then and I'll say it now: his choices were brave ones. For him, for the type of person he was, "giving up" would have been to just keep going, losing more and more of himself, his health, his mobility each day. "Not trying" for him would have meant just going from day to day, letting things degrade, letting the diseases continue draining his life, his soul, his uniqueness, his savings, his dignity, his power, his independence.

Instead he made a hard choice, one that wasn't for everyone, but was the only option for him. What had once been a dim possibility, life without his love and with rapidly failing health, had become an exhausting reality. And things he had talked about in the abstract were now staring him in the face, forcing his hand and requiring him to evaluate, re-evaluate, re-re-evaluate everything that he was, everything that mattered, and the future he faced.

He stood tall, wrested control of his life back from the diseases that had taken it from him, and basically said "fuck you, you won't defeat me". That took a level of courage and fortitude that continues to affect me at profound levels, ways that will take a lifetime to process. He was a strong man who shared life with a strong woman...I was lucky to have them in my life. I can only hope I can be as strong...

Saturday, August 13, 2011


Will passed certification today...he's now a fully certified volunteer firefighter for Santa Clara city. Years of volunteering and hard work, plus running himself into the ground these past few weeks prepping for the testing, and it's all paid off. Me = proud.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

low bandwidth update

Ibiza. Ryan, Nate, Will. Spoiled by United 747 Business Class on the way here. Tasty food. Ferry Corsten. Armin van Buuren. Sankeys. Space. Excellent people watching. Warm water, soft sand, gorgeous views. Unz unz unz unz everywhere, including cab from airport. Scooters. Dancing until 5a, talking until 8a, sleeping until 3p, good company, good conversation, repeat. Stupid migraine not respecting the whole "vacation" thing. Recovering today, on to Amnesia tonight.

Good times.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

connect the dots

Here are your clues:

  • scrubbing the bathroom floor at 3:30 in the morning
  • Bean getting an unscheduled bath, also around 3:30 in the morning
And a bit of necessary information: litter pans are kept in the bathroom.

I have faith in your deductive capabilities...and now you know how delightful my early morning has been.


Friday, June 10, 2011

and a bright and beautiful good morning to you too

Stacey asleep in bed. Bean lying on bed. Pepper tries to jump on bed. Bean hisses at Pepper. Pepper stops and just looks at her. Bean hisses and swats at Pepper. Pepper decides 'whatever' and moves to nightstand. Bean tries to follow, falling and flumpfing as she does. Pepper just watches. Bean gets to where she wants to go and suddenly decides that she MUST CLEAN NOW and proceeds to shlurp and shlorp noisily as she grooms fur that has apparently been tainted by the mere thought of contact with Pepper.

This was my early morning. >.<


Thursday, June 02, 2011

i have such a crush on this man

Leonard Nimoy, that is...


Got hit with a two-day migraine Tuesday morning...not as bad as some in the past, thankfully, but lasted a bit longer than usual. The migraine part is done, and now my body is just...unhappy. Sore/tired/tense, like gravity has been turned up a notch or two. You know how when you have a sore muscle, your body twitches and does everything it can to not use it, which ends up throwing everything out of balance and off? It's kind of like that, starting from inside your skull, and working its way out and down. Just have to relax a bit and let things balance back out...darkness and quiet are your friends [well, they usually are, but now even more so].

[update: gardeners just showed up. how do they know??]

Thursday, May 26, 2011

random good/happy/content memories

The smell of Claudine's general store, that powdery tangy sweet candy smell meets old wood shelving scent. I used to scrape together change to spend there...a little went a long way, and it was the best retail therapy ever. Cherry Chans, candy buttons, penny gum, Lemon Heads, those giant chewy Sweetarts, whatever those hard-won pennies and dimes could buy me.

A bit later in life: standing outside Claudine's on the pay phone, pumping in coins to call Greg long-distance. Scraped together coins for that one too. Talking away, only to be interrupted by "Please deposit 25 more cents to continue your call" [talk about old-school]. That one embarrassing day I was 25 cents short and had to hang up, only to have the operator ring back to ask for it. I ended up borrowing it from a neighbor who happened to live nearby...I felt horrible.

Lightning bugs. Freshly mown grass. Just rained-on concrete. Coconut suntan oil. Chlorine. Chick-o-sticks. Thunderstorms. Bike rides. Summer.

The smell and sound of the eucalyptus trees around the house in Half Moon Bay. The salty fishy tang of the Pacific, wafting in open windows. The sound of the surf.

Sharing pizza with Dad. Drinking daiquiris with Mom. Dad's tacos, Mom's spaghetti. IGA pizzas. Lawson's subs. Snyder barbeque chips. Those awesome sandwiches that Greg's mom made for him in high school. The pizza squares that dripped grease down your hand. Pepperoni sticks from the Dari Twist. Bloomer's chocolate and coconut haystacks in a big wooden basket. Archway Dutch Cocoa cookies.

Hanging out on Monie's front porch at the yellow house, running around the yard, playing, imagining, being a kid. Those crazy steep steps upstairs at her other place. The deer/forest mural on the wall. Squirrely and Puddles. The pop-up camper. The gravel alleyways, that crunching sound of riding your bike through them. Clotheslines full of laundry.

Working with Doug, trusting him as a friend and manager, loving the team he'd built, being part of it. Following him to two more companies, more teams built, processes created, people met, much learned.

My weird-ass L-shaped cube at Calico...a space that wasn't really good for anything, and I carved it into an awesome little area.

That one spring day in Foster city when I was driving my Cabrio, top down, music blasting [Papa Roach, full volume], making a tight U-turn on Edgewater, feeling content and confident. Not sure what it was about that day, but it really sticks in my head even now.

No trash pickup in Trinway back in the day, so we had to burn trash or take it to the dump. No mail delivery to the house, went up to the post office. If anything was too big for the box, you had to ask the postmaster [or mistress] for it. You knew them by name, they knew you. Man, I loved that feeling of seeing the "parcel too large for box" notice sitting was a little Christmas every time.

Dad at the house in Pacifica, wanting so badly to fix the doorbell. I loved how he took care of me, at the same time acknowledging that I didn't need him to any more. I think he knew that I would try to come up with things for him to help with...I liked it, and I think it made him happy too.

Flying home early from Paris to surprise Mom at work. Major success, many tears, many hugs.

Christmas in Moss Beach, opening a big box from Mom and Dad, seeing Runny Babbit tucked inside. More tears, big smiles.

[ be continued...]

Sunday, May 01, 2011

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

red tape

Yay! Tax refunds!

Yay! Direct deposit!

Yay! Savings account upgraded from old grandfathered type to fancy new type!

Boo! Account number changed!

Boo hoo! Direct deposits failed...

Monday, April 04, 2011

the ring

Will fought hard with Tiffany's to make sure the ring got here before he had to leave for GPF...and he managed to surprise me again, slipping out while I was napping to pick it up. Sneaky, wonderful man.

Friday, April 01, 2011


Some answers to questions we've been getting:

Were you surprised?

Yes. <expletive> yes. "Stunned" only begins to cover it. Brain shutdown, gears grinding, clutch slipping, total gobsmackedness.

Why so surprised? Haven't you guys been together for a while now?

Yeah, a couple years now, and we had been talking "in it for the long haul" for a while. But I knew going into this that Will wasn't big on marriage; in fact, it was one of the issues that lead to the end of his last relationship. It didn't matter to me...I was enjoying the moments together and sharing the same path with him, so I just accepted it as a part of who he was and where he'd come from and didn't think twice about it.

How did you meet?

Heh, that's a good question. Our standard answer is "we both worked at Facebook". Beyond that, neither of us really knows how we actually first met. Here's the long version:

I was the geek groupie hanging out with the IT/network guys, he was somewhere in that crowd, but even then, I don't really remember how I was introduced to him. Somewhere along there, he mentioned that he was going through the break-up thing with his girlfriend, and I said that I was losing both my boyfriend [work transfer across country, with long-distance relationship just not an option for many reasons] and my best friend [who was also moving out of the area]. I'm guessing we commiserated together, but getting together just wasn't in the cards...he was busy with work and a redhead he'd been friends with, and I wasn't looking for another relationship just yet.

Then one day he walked by my desk and told me, "by the way, we're having an affair." After my stunned laughter died down, he explained that his ex-girlfriend was convinced that the reason they broke up is because he'd been cheating on her with me for a while now. We shook our heads, giggled at the absurdity...I even told him "no offense, but you aren't even on my radar." He agreed, since his type leaned more towards redheads and rock-climbers, and we both just stood there shaking our heads bemusedly.

And the best part? After he left my desk, I had to send an instant message to a friend of mine asking her what his name was... :^D

After that, he would stop by and give me updates on our "affair"...the length of time we'd apparently known each other was getting longer and longer, the drama getting more and more entertaining. And somewhere in there, I ran through the "well, *would* I date this guy?" train of thought, and apparently he did as well, and we both ended up on the "affirmative" side of the argument. If it hadn't been for all of that, I can honestly say we wouldn't have gotten to know each other as well.

And so here we are. :^)

When is the big day? Where are you getting married?

No idea. See above re: "surprise, complete and total". Since marriage wasn't an option [or so I thought :^) ], we never did the standard "if we were to get married, when/where/how would we do it?" conversations. So basically, we are starting from scratch here.

How did he ask?

[warning: gushy gag-inducing sweetness ahead :^) ]

It was after we got home from the Saw Doctors show in San Francisco...I'd had a great time, and we were both tired and our ears were ringing [I was a bit hoarse, since I'd been yelling and singing my fool head off at the concert]. We were lying there cuddled up, just chatting and talking in that "late night body-tired but brain-wired" way, and we started talking about how we like our lives with the other one in it. The random ways we fit well together, the way we make each other laugh, the shit we've both been through and the other has helped with...and out of the blue, Will says, "I would spend a reasonable facsimile of forever with you" [it's an inside joke with us, a nod to the silliness of the blind assumption that love automatically equals "forever and ever", rather than the reality of two people working at it together and putting in the effort to make it a long-lasting partnership]. That in itself was enough to get me choked up...then he sits up a bit, looks deep into my eyes, and asked me to marry him.

Brain = broken. Seriously. I froze. Not in the "oh fuck, what do I do?" way, but in the "zomg, can't process, rewind, replay, rewind, replay, yes, that's what he said, wait, what, wow, hello are you there Earth to Stacey better answer him wake up yoohoo snap out of it" overwhelmed way. Cue waterworks and the "yes", and a sleepless night with brain whirling.

Later, he told friends that he'd been thinking about it for a while now, and that he got impatient and didn't want to wait for the ring. And I've got to say, the timing was absolutely perfect: it was a sweet, tender time of relaxing and curling up with each other after an awesome evening together. It felt so right, so organic and natural when he asked...I don't think he could have planned it any better. I wish *I* had been a bit smoother with my response...more Hollywood "hands flutter to her mouth, a tiny tear makes it way slowly from the corner of her eye while she looks up through her eyelashes and quietly whispers "yes, my darling, yes, I will marry you" and then she leans into him for a strong embrace", and much less the "deer in the headlights, frozen by the emotion and overwhelmed by the utter awesomeness and love and surprise, then blubbering like a baby, snorfling into his shoulder as she hugs him for dear life and smooches him frantically all over his face" spectacle it actually was.

Even now, I am still a bit out of it as it all sinks in. But it's a good fog to be in.

What about the ring?

I actually haven't seen it's out for sizing, and like he told our friends, he was impatient and didn't want to wait. But he showed me online: round diamond with two round sapphires flanking it, platinum band. I like. A lot.

[Funny story: he disappeared the morning after asking me, saying he was running some errands. He came back a while later, hugged me, and said, "I did it backwards." I had no idea what he was talking about...then he said, "your ring will be here in two to three weeks, it's being sent to New York for sizing." More of Stacey being gobsmacked and waterworks. :^)

I couldn't figure out how he got my ring size, then I remembered him talking about wedding bands, what did I want, and jokingly saying "hey, we could save money and use one of my old rings!", then we sat there goofing around and trying them on and chatting about what we liked. The smart man paid attention to what was closest to fitting me and used that as a guide for the size of the engagement ring, hence the "errand" he had to run that morning.

Sneaky one, he is.]

So what now?

Hmm, another good question. It's all still sinking in.

So are you excited?

Yes, but also not really. I know that sounds horrible, so let me explain:

I am absolutely excited about being Will's wife. But honestly, this doesn't change much...we were already planning on spending as much of our lives together as we could. So this doesn't add more weight or power to our commitment to each other, since that was already there. Basically we have invoked an "automatic renewal" clause to our relationship contract...other than the ceremony and the paperwork and me changing my last name, nothing has changed in our plans for our futures. So am I excited and stunned and thrilled and loving the idea of being married to Will? Most definitely. But it doesn't change the fact that we were already partners, sharing life and facing the good and the bad together. It's just a nice bonus.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

he asked...

...I said 'yes'. :^)

Saturday, March 26, 2011


of another excellent set by the Saw Doctors:

Friday, March 25, 2011

share the darkness

Saw Doctors, Slims SF, Will...

...very good times.

Monday, January 31, 2011

a straight line to the soul

A while back, I went to Live 105's "Not So Silent Night" with Will and Susy. It was a great show, with an awesome line-up: Broken Bells [I really liked might know their song "The High Road"], The Black Keys [different style, also good], Phoenix [amazing lighting, best sound mixing I've heard at a show *ever*, very personal and personable band...definitely a highlight], My Chemical Romance [also amazing, very high energy], and Smashing Pumpkins [ was only Billy Corgan with some random folks playing, sound mix was horrible, he didn't play some of the more popular songs].

I was having a great time...we went for the "Not So Subtle VIP" package and it was a blast. I was enjoying hanging with Susy and Will, being a "VIP", the show, the music, the vibe, the crowd.

Then My Chemical Romance ended their set with this:

When I was out with Dad before he died, one of the things he said to me frequently was "the hardest part of all this, kiddo, is letting go of you"...and here is this song that makes me think of Mom and Dad and all they went through and all they gave me and all that I miss.

So there I am among thousands of people, bopping away, when suddenly the music smacks me upside the head and the heart, and I can't quite hold back the tears [I am lucky to have wonderful folks like Will and Susy in my life...they stood on either side of me and quietly held my hands, gave me their shoulders to sniffle on, and made it okay to be sad].

Why am I posting this now? Because the song just came up randomly on my playlist and brought it all back.

I love music. It is one of the major things in my life that gives me joy, comfort, peace, excitement, release. But sometimes, often when you least expect it, it becomes a direct line to the emotional center of that nebulous thing we call a soul...

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

my way

Sitting here quietly with pizza and a book...and memories.