sparkly

Just got hit with one of my vegas migraines [okay, so it's really called an opthalmic migraine]. It starts with a small sparkly dot that expands to block a third to half of my field of vision...it literally blinds me. Then about 20-30 minutes later, the pain hits...whee.

[You know, typing is really interesting when you can only see one character at a time...]

sometimes goodbye's the only way

Had to say goodbye to two good friends recently. No, it was nothing terribly dramatic, no deaths or disasters...just a severing of ties and a closing of doors. The details are for another time [maybe], but the result is that while I am saddened by the loss of the friendships, I am able to look myself in the mirror and know that I did what I could, that my conscience is clear, and that I am not compromising myself by accepting less than I give.

Does it keep it from hurting? No. It's never easy when you have to let go after allowing someone in beyond your barriers. But that is the way of life: paths cross, they run parallel, they move apart. The trick is making the most of the times they are shared, and learning from them when they diverge.

It's all part of the human condition. It's not always pretty, it's certainly not easy, but it's all we've got...and we owe it to ourselves to make the most of it.

bleary-eyed

Finance group outing to Napa today...shuttle leaves the office at 6:45a. I don't mean to sound ungrateful...I really do think it's cool that they are doing this for the group. But I'm going to have to work this weekend to make up for not being in the office today, I'm really not a 'group wine tour' person, and they are planning on drinking heavily [so much so that they have planned for sickness bags for the ride home, just in case]. Oh, and there are going to be games on the bus ride to and from, like "tell two true things and one false thing about yourself so the group can guess which is the lie". I'm not a fan of those forced socialization games and 'rah-rah' activities...it's hard for me to muster the right enthusiasm and interest.

I will likely end the day thoroughly drained and wiped out, the introvert in me struggling to keep up with the demands this type of social situation can put on you, with a serious need of recharging that won't be able to happen for a while. But the mask will be on, the smile will be firmly planted on my face, and I will end up having a decent time, I'm sure.

I hope.

cautious optimism

They think they found the cause of the power outages in the server room: a loose wire in a circuit breaker that would cause it to draw incremental bits of power until finally it popped. I'm still paranoid and keeping an eye on everything, but I'm hoping that was the problem.

ugh/sigh/sheesh/harrumph

Had to rush into work before 7a this morning to deal with YADBO [yet another database outage]. I won't go into details, but it's all working now, and we are getting further along in the 'patch it, fix it, keep it from happening again' process.

But man, I'm tired. And stinky [no time to shower]. And grumpy.

Woe betide any who cross my path today... <insert evil yet tired laugh here>

contentment

Good times so far this weekend. Got to hang out with mi mejor amigo finally [no late night calls from the office about servers and databases going down]. Been ages since we've been able to chill with just the two of us...

We went to the movies and saw "10,000 BC", then "Never Back Down". Didn't have high expectations for either one, and ended up having a really good time. "10KBC" was a bit silly [okay, more than a bit], but after a willing suspension of disbelief, we relaxed into it and enjoyed it. It was quite beautiful to watch, very epic, with an amazing scope and scale.

"Never Back Down" was yet another version of a quite trite storyline, but was actually fairly well done. Oh don't get me wrong...it was fluffy and had its flaws, but some of the characters were very well cast: the asshole pompous dick who is way too full of himself, the frickin' adorable dork friend who just wants to be accepted [and actually ends up with a girl at the end], and my favorite, the chick that the dick is dating and is coveted by the hero of the story. She was a good character, and even better, she wasn't yet another rail-thin stick in a bikini...she had a lovely, real body, and she stood up for herself and didn't just let things happen to her, or wait for some guy to come along and "save" her. We had some concern about the fight scenes [the movie is about MMA, mixed martial arts, and L is a skilled practitioner], but they came through...they showed respect to the art, and according to L, the fight scenes were pretty realistic. A few kicks and hits that, had they been real, would have resulted in hospital visits or death instead of just a momentary knock out and the person shaking it off, but in general, good stuff. We were pleased with the evening.

Afterwards, we hung out, talked, caught up, and then played some "Assassin's Creed" [well, he played, whilst I oohed and awwed and holy shitted...it's a beautiful game]. Crashed on his couch around 3a, woke up around 9a or so...then watched part of "Appleseed: Deus Ex Machina", some incredible anime [I'm hooked...I must see more].

Made it home around noon, fed the cat, then napped...woke up, hopped into the shower, then met up with another friend for a very relaxing, lazy Saturday of music, food, driving around, movies ["Run Fat Boy, Run" and "Blazing Saddles"], a trip to Micro Center to check out power supplies for his tower, talking, geeking out, chilling. Good times...good times.

And now I'm kicking back, reading some of the comic books I bought at lunch the other day, enjoying life. It's been a good few days.

bookend

Server issues...power outage in the server room, no UPSes to help shut things down nicely, database closed dirty. Makes the week perfect, since Monday started with a dead database and many hours lost [in large part because the major users of the database didn't let me run maintenance on it a week prior, when it started failing consistency checks: "We have deadlines, we can't afford the three hours of downtime you are asking for." So instead they ended up with nearly a day of downtime, closer to the deadline...how's that working out for ya, huh?].

Running consistency checks now...knocking on wood, crossing fingers, circling thrice widdershins around the sacred oak [shout out to my FB peeps on that one, yo!!], visualizing success, bribing the silicon gods, whatever it takes to help make sure that I don't have to come into work *this* weekend as well.

catalyst

Courtesy of Merriam-Webster:

catalyst, noun: an agent that provokes or speeds significant change or action

more solace in music

Assemblage 23's "Ground"

Be still
Though chaos rains around you now
Only so much rain can fall at once
Breathe in
And let the air envelope you
And slow but sure, serenity will come

CHORUS
Close your eyes
Try to breathe
Feel the ground beneath your feet
It's still there
The world still turns around

Stand up
Though circumstance has knocked you down
There is nothing gained by staying within its reach

Take strength
In every failure you endure
Our mistakes have many lessons they can teach

(CHORUS)

Destroy
These walls you've built around yourself
You can't take another step until they're gone

Move out
No use in dwelling in the past
Bid farewell to all your fears and carry on

(CHORUS)

fun with facebook statuses

Been a rough morning...database issues, politics, servers running out of room, much joyfulness. In my last email to the people involved in the current kerfuffle, I recommended that they 'keep their fingers crossed, make their sacrifices to the silicon gods, knock on wood, walk thrice widdershins around the sacred oak, whatever it takes to keep the good vibes going'.

Then I changed my Facebook status to:

"Stacey is knocking on wood and walking thrice widdershins around the sacred oak."

Within seconds, this popped up [names changed to protect the guilty]:

"Bob is wondering what a widdershin is."

Then from another friend:

"Steve is a sacred oak."

So I changed mine:

"Stacey is walking around Steve. Thrice. Widdershins."

And just now saw this:

"Steve is getting dizzy from people circling him."

<grin>

and so it ends...

An awesome weekend comes to a close. Trying to stretch it out a little bit more with a book and some quiet time...not ready to give up on the Sunday yet. Comedy club last night, ended up walking out on Norm Macdonald [he just wasn't that funny, and we weren't drinking, so he didn't get any funnier]. Watched 'Team America' [finally...some wicked satire there], 'Invasion' [not so good], and 'Spaceballs' [holds up surprisingly well], good conversations, good times [to quote a friend].

And now I am home, winding down, stalling. Laundry is laundering, dishes are soaking, cat is fed, Stacey is smiling...

...good times.

today was an awesome day

Well, the evening was, anyway. To RWC with S & B to see 'Tainted Love'; dinner and margaritas first, then the show. Quite excellent, as always...first time seeing the new guy [in a Members Only jacket, thank you very much], and verily, he did rock. Much bopping, whoo-ing, fist pumping, and rocking was done...throats are sore, voices are raspy, ears are ringing. All signs of a successful concert.

Spent some time chilling after...driving, talking [me talking way too much...sorry guys], hanging at my place, looking at pics [how boring for the other two], basically coming down from the whole evening. Drop S off at her car, sit talking with B for a while, listening to the rain, then an oddly tired/wired/pensive/melancholy/thoughtful/floaty drive home. Wasn't ready to head inside just yet, so turned around and headed east on San Antonio, to the park at the very end. Sat quietly with my thoughts, some soft music, and the clouds, until I finally had to give in, give up, and come home.

So here I am now, with brain monkeys eeping their way through my thoughts, keeping me from resting.

Frickin' monkeys. Where's a banana when you need one?

[eep eek ook]

today is an awesome day

It's pi day, Einstein's birthday, and steak day...w00t!

[google for 'march 14th' and 'steak' <grin>]

happy pi day!

Math dorks like me think today is cool... :^)

ouch

$3.92 a gallon for gas.

take a chance

Quote from "Goodnight" by ZOX:

"You have to leave the ground to learn to fly."

ugh yawn sigh

Just now got home. Spent the night working on the database...4.5 hours later, the recovery failed. Had to back everything out and put things back the way they were. I'll have to try again another day [ugh].

A very sweet man came by bearing treats and smiles just as things were going to hell...a case of excellent timing. It made the defeat easier to bear, and ended the night [morning] on a brighter note than it would have otherwise. Still drained, tired, annoyed, and not looking forward to repeating all this another night, but he helped make it better.

Now off to bed...tomorrow, er, *today* is another day.

thoughts

* I've got good people around me. I don't make close friendships easily, so I treasure the ones I have.

* I've recently been described as "confident", "vibrant", "effortless", and "a true friend" by multiple people. Except for the 'true friend' [which I try very hard to be...respect for myself and for the people around me is a core part of my beliefs], I don't see it. But I am flattered by the faith the people I love have in me.

* Work is not all there is to life. We know this, intellectually, but putting it into practice is a harder thing.

* Another core part of Stacey: the belief in paths. They cross, they coincide, they diverge. It's natural, it's expected, it's healthy.

* One of these days, I'll find someone who follows their words with actions.

* Amendment: I have those people in my life right now...maybe not as partners, but I am fortunate enough to have people I can trust and lean on.

* I am fortunate enough to have someone who loves me enough to tell me hard truths.

* An interesting take on the 'confidence' thing from one of the aforementioned someones: just last night, when I said that I didn't *feel* confident or strong or vibrant or whatever, they told me that I am a rarity in that I like myself, I accept myself, and I am comfortable with who I am, while striving to continue to improve and grow. They said that it is this part of me that comes across as confidence. I'm going to have to think about that.

* I wish I could blame other people for my own decisions/choices/consequences, even for a little while. I could use a respite from the introspection.

* It's hard to type with a cat plopped over your right forearm.

* Stalling in the morning doesn't make the day start any later...it just makes you more in a hurry.

* Life goes on. Life is short. Stay as true to yourself as you can. Take care of others. Take care of yourself. Love each other. Care.

yawn [but a good yawn]

Poker and Guitar Hero night with the guys...with me as the voyeur/bimbo/groupie/roadie [I've much practice at being a poker bimbo, sitting behind a player, trying to follow the action, cringing at the bad beats, applauding nicely played hands, and doh-ing over a turn of the cards...brought back good memories :^) ]. Sharing music with Blake [loving the headphone trick], watching the guitarists go, eating the best pizza in the world [Patxi's, for those in PA; it's a very close approximation of Zachary's for you East Bay types], getting nicely tipsy, enjoying the company, and basically forgetting about work and the outside world for a little bit.

Good times...

i want another weekend

Friday night was awesome...dinner, movie, hanging out, good company, lunch the next day, recharging, good times. Saturday evening started out well; I finally got to spend time with Lawrence and the kids, give Claudia her birthday present, and catch up with a very important part of my life. Then, halfway through dinner, the phone rings...a database server is acting up. Tried to help over the phone, but no joy...so I had to bail and head in to work late in the evening. Hours later, it's finally back, so I head home for some sleep.

Then it's up and about and time to get some errands run...except that in the middle of it, another phone call. Database is slow, can I suggest anything. Turns out it's just running a consistency check after shutting down dirty, but to be safe, I head back in Sunday evening. I strongly suggest that I run more thorough maintenance on the database, but they say they can't take the two hours of downtime it would take. I try to convince them that it is a very good idea to run the maintenance, but they say they'd rather keep cranking as they have a tight deadline. Sigh.

Cut to Monday, busy day [though an excellent lunch to celebrate an awesome friend's awesome birthday <grin>]. Don't get home until after 8:00p [such is life at Facebook], and half an hour later, the phone rings. Database is slow again. Grumble. I remember that a backup is happening, which will slow things down a bit; I suggest that we wait to let it finish. The person on the other end [a really nice guy] hems and haws, and so I end up going back into the office to stop the backup so they can keep working.

Of course it doesn't go smoothly, so I end up having to contact some IT folks to find out where the physical machine is located so I can reboot it. Thanks to them [shout out to FB IT, yo!], it got rebooted, I got a second set of eyes to check things out, and the database is back online. It still needs the heavy maintenance, so I will be putting in another late night soon to make it happen...but for now [knock *heavily* on wood], things look okay.

So now I'm finally home again, trying to wind down. Stop, breathe, inhale, exhale. Shake it off. It's all good. Tomorrow is another day. That which does not kill you makes you stronger. Cliche, trite saying, homily.

Life at Facebook...ain't it grand? :^)

jealousy

"Jealousy is a disease, love is a healthy condition. The immature mind often mistakes one for the other, or assumes that the greater the love, the greater the jealousy — in fact, they are almost incompatible; one emotion hardly leaves room for the other. "

-- Jubal Harshaw, "Stranger in a Strange Land" by Robert Heinlein

In my mind, jealousy is possession...I see what they have, I want it, and I don't want them to have it. Envy, on the other hand, is desire: I see what they have, and I want it too. We all have moments of both...it's inevitable, it's human.

Jealousy and love are a volatile combination...in fact, I often wondered if it's truly "love" if there is possession and jealousy involved. In the above-mentioned novel, the theme of love and jealousy is a big one; the idea is that if you are feeling jealousy, you should look inside to try to determine the roots of it. Just as the root of anger is fear, I believe the same is true for jealousy...so the key is to dig deep and try to identify the underlying issues, find the cause of the fear, and address it.

Like I said, jealousy is a very powerful, very human emotion. And like all emotions, we can let it rule us, or we can look at it, bring it into the light, and take away its power.

To quote an earlier entry: it's up to us.

congrats, tyler!!

w00t! Tyler and Trogdor did it again!
http://www.crosswordtournament.com/2008/index.htm

[some of you may remember my earlier posts about the awesome-sauce Tyler Hinman :^) ]

wait, what??

How did the time change sneak up on me??

messing with people's minds

I'm on a cargo pant kick lately...camouflage, khaki, big pockets, way comfortable. Usually paired with a shirt with some sort of skull or ironic saying on it. Today I came in wearing long jeans, heels, hair done up a bit, long leather jacket.

And it's confusing people.

Heh. This shouldn't be so much fun.

happy bloggiversary

Wow...two years to the day since my first blogspot post. Lots of fluff and stuff, a whole bunch of rambling that will only matter to me, quite a few 'dear diary' entries to trigger memories later on, and even an occasional bit of profundity, wisdom, and insight [I'd like to think there was a fair amount, but I can't delude myself quite that much].

Interesting two years. Wonder what the next ones will bring?

how did i not realize that??

"Torchwood" is an anagram of "Doctor Who".

[Sheesh...it's like when I finally twigged to the fact that "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" and the alphabet song were the same tune. Head-shaking moment of "duh" and "cool" and "blush"...]

how to ask a geekgroupie out

"Date for May 2nd, plz? Accept or Deny?"

[oh, and May 2nd is the opening date of "Iron Man" :^) ]

and that didn't help

Racist motherfucker at the birthday party last night. How does that kind of ignorance survive, especially in the Bay Area, where whites are often the minority?? And how does this guy not get his ass kicked regularly?

The sadness continues.

drifting with the current

Showering, and was hit out of the blue by a wave of sadness. Haven't analyzed the thoughtstream yet...waiting for the current to bring me closer to shore.