not quite as planned

Picking Will up from the airport in a couple hours...he had a family emergency, which led to a last-minute flight to the other side of the country, then he stayed through Thanksgiving. Been holding down the fort here, bouncing between houses, keeping an eye on cats and dog and mail and sprinklers and gardeners and life here in the Bay Area. More stupid frustrating shit: garage door opener stopped working, Bean is slowly getting worse so doing the mental ping-pong game of 'when is the right time to say goodbye?', slipped and fell in my entryway [wet shoes + slick tile = slapstick comedy with bruises], light in hallway is flickering and burning up light bulbs again [landlord's husband says he can't find anything wrong with it, just needs a fresh bulb...sigh]. But it's all really nothing compared to what Will has been dealing with this past week...rough times for the poor guy, can't wait to have him home.

I will say that I fucking *hate* this time of year. I love winter, love the cooler weather, love so much about it, but these months just wear me down. It's a result of many years of bad seasons...shit going down during the winter months, stuff that just keeps piling on each year. Death [too much death], sadness, loss, frustration, all starting more than ten years back and just adding on each year. It's gotten so ridiculous that poor Will, sweetheart that he is, apologized when he got his bad news...he hugged me and said that he was hoping to give me just one good winter for once [see what a good one I found? In the middle of everything he is dealing with, he thinks to take care of me...he's a keeper].

The trick each year is not falling into the 'self-fulfilling prophecy' trap, of assuming things will be bad, which in turn can make them bad. On the plus side, the stuff that has happened over the past years was nothing that I could have controlled, so I'm pretty sure they weren't caused by my negativity or "down-ness"...on the negative side, there was nothing I could have controlled, damn it, so there wasn't anything I could do to turn it around and make it better. Harrumph.

So here is how I'm working on getting through it: by finding the individual moments of brightness and smiles, trying to let the big picture flow over me and not focusing on it quite so much. There can be a lot of good moments in every day, even if sometimes you have to seek them out or make them happen...and in a couple of hours, I'm heading to the airport to make one happen. Can't wait...

stolen from my latest facebook status

...because I'm too lazy to retype it:

"A tiring few weeks...out of house for a new roof; early morning frantic call from landlord about debris raining down on my car in the garage; out of house longer for the repair of the hole in bedroom ceiling caused by roofers; rip pinky nail off halfway down and halfway across [effing *ouch*]; shred skin off fingertips whilst scrubbing carpet [don't ask]; discover gardeners have broken two more sprinkler heads; car won't start, get it back from service three days later and snarlgrowl it won't start even worse [don't judge the grammar, it's poetic license]; and the worst crime of all: I spilled a beer. I tell you, it's the little things that wear you down. >.<"

343

Will is in New York today. He and a few others in the fire department flew out to be there when the Bay2Brooklyn team came into the city...two guys from the Santa Clara Fire Department who started a cross-country bike ride on August 2nd, in honor and memory of the 343 firefighters who lost their lives ten years ago today. This morning they are gathered with firefighters from all over the globe at the Firemen's Memorial in Riverside Park, a sea of uniforms, hats, badges, honoring fallen comrades and celebrating those who continue the work.

I can't imagine what it must be like to be there today. The emotion, the camaraderie, the brotherhood. Mourning what was lost, celebrating the courage, honoring those who continue to give. Realizing you are a part of something much, much bigger than you realized. Humbling and inspiring, and not just a little overwhelming.

Here's to the past and what it makes of us.

Here's to the future and what we make of it.

this is *not* going to be fun

Happily shopping away, putting some soda in the cart, feel a pinch/pull on my pinky. Look down to see that I've apparently caught my nail and bent it back...something we've all done at one time or another. Then I look closer.

That lovely red line in the middle of the nail? That's where it ripped. Ow. Ow ow ow. You know, there is a reason fingernails are common components in torture... >.<

[and I've realized that I use my pinky quite a bit while typing. I am currently hating the left shift key and the letter 'a'. thankfully 'q' and 'z' aren't used as often, so they escape my scorn. for now. until I have to type about quiet zebras or something. then I'll hate them just as much. maybe more. so here's hoping those striped horses stay noisy.]

a wonderful surprise

I came home yesterday to find these waiting patiently for me:

[sorry for the lousy picture...phone camera plus low light :^( ]

My Aunt Monie sent them to me for my birthday...and I don't think she'll ever really know how much it meant to me. Thank you, Antimony. I love you.

the other side of the coin

He heard a lot of things during those weeks before he died. Questions people had, their confusion, the hope that things would change. One thing that came up as a theme more often than others: cowardice. He wasn't thinking of others, he was being selfish, he was "running away", "giving up", "not trying".

I said it then and I'll say it now: his choices were brave ones. For him, for the type of person he was, "giving up" would have been to just keep going, losing more and more of himself, his health, his mobility each day. "Not trying" for him would have meant just going from day to day, letting things degrade, letting the diseases continue draining his life, his soul, his uniqueness, his savings, his dignity, his power, his independence.

Instead he made a hard choice, one that wasn't for everyone, but was the only option for him. What had once been a dim possibility, life without his love and with rapidly failing health, had become an exhausting reality. And things he had talked about in the abstract were now staring him in the face, forcing his hand and requiring him to evaluate, re-evaluate, re-re-evaluate everything that he was, everything that mattered, and the future he faced.

He stood tall, wrested control of his life back from the diseases that had taken it from him, and basically said "fuck you, you won't defeat me". That took a level of courage and fortitude that continues to affect me at profound levels, ways that will take a lifetime to process. He was a strong man who shared life with a strong woman...I was lucky to have them in my life. I can only hope I can be as strong...

certifiable

Will passed certification today...he's now a fully certified volunteer firefighter for Santa Clara city. Years of volunteering and hard work, plus running himself into the ground these past few weeks prepping for the testing, and it's all paid off. Me = proud.

low bandwidth update

Ibiza. Ryan, Nate, Will. Spoiled by United 747 Business Class on the way here. Tasty food. Ferry Corsten. Armin van Buuren. Sankeys. Space. Excellent people watching. Warm water, soft sand, gorgeous views. Unz unz unz unz everywhere, including cab from airport. Scooters. Dancing until 5a, talking until 8a, sleeping until 3p, good company, good conversation, repeat. Stupid migraine not respecting the whole "vacation" thing. Recovering today, on to Amnesia tonight. Good times.

connect the dots

Here are your clues:

• scrubbing the bathroom floor at 3:30 in the morning
• Bean getting an unscheduled bath, also around 3:30 in the morning

And a bit of necessary information: litter pans are kept in the bathroom.

I have faith in your deductive capabilities...and now you know how delightful my early morning has been.

Sigh.

and a bright and beautiful good morning to you too

Stacey asleep in bed. Bean lying on bed. Pepper tries to jump on bed. Bean hisses at Pepper. Pepper stops and just looks at her. Bean hisses and swats at Pepper. Pepper decides 'whatever' and moves to nightstand. Bean tries to follow, falling and flumpfing as she does. Pepper just watches. Bean gets to where she wants to go and suddenly decides that she MUST CLEAN NOW and proceeds to shlurp and shlorp noisily as she grooms fur that has apparently been tainted by the mere thought of contact with Pepper.

This was my early morning. >.<

Guh.