Thursday, January 28, 2010

cozy, but...

Been stuck home sick the past few days, but my roommates have been keeping me company...this was the view from my lap a little bit ago [that's Bean on my upper lap, with Pepper nestled down by my knees/shins]:

Nice and cozy, except when you need to get up to go to the bathroom. I was treated to some seriously disapproving looks when I tried:

I braved the disdain, disentangled myself, and made it off the couch safely. Now they are sitting on the living room floor, semi-patiently waiting for me to stop typing and stretch back out again. Something tells me I should get everything I need to get done out of the way before doing that...I doubt they'll be as understanding the next time.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

that's my story and i'm sticking to it

My excuse for any typos whilst IMing, blogging, or emailing [click to see bigger]:

It's funny to watch him bouncing along with my arm movements as I type and mouse and surf the web...silly boy.

[look closely and you can see the awesome blanket my sister made for's a perfect "couch blanket" and gets used pretty much every time I sit on the couch]

Monday, January 25, 2010

forgiving felines

Luckily, the cats haven't held a grudge against me for disappearing for so long [though I'm sure part of their forgiveness is due to the good care the kind folks watching over them gave while I was gone]. Spent part of today just lying with them, with one on my chest curled up under my chin and the other sprawled out on my legs. I was effectively trapped, but wasn't complaining...

On a sadder note, this blog entry from Neil Gaiman [and his previous ones about Zoe] hit me hard...for many reasons and on many levels.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

dad would have loved this weather

Heavy rain, thunder, hail, and even a rare tornado warning for the Bay Area.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

not quite nightmares...

....but being plagued by bad dreams. The kind that leave you shaking and have your heart racing, where you wake up nearly crying and can't shake the feeling for hours. Only a few details stay into consciousness, just enough that you know you had a rough night and that the "rest" wasn't truly restful, but not enough is left to allow you to examine and dissect the dream and dismiss it or understand the roots of it. So you wander through the day, disconnected from reality by a weird hazy buffer of remembered emotions and not enough rest, hoping you are faking it well enough that no one asks.

Ensign, divert all available energy to emotional shields...engage mask on my mark.


Thursday, January 14, 2010

western lands

Made it back to California with no problems, luggage arrived, even the boxes Dad and I shipped earlier on all got here safely. Been hiding out at Will's for a few days, avoiding life for a bit longer...he's been really good, very patient, and very good at providing distractions like sushi, movies, telly, and lots of hugs and comfort. Still not sleeping well, being hit with bad dreams that leave me more than a little shaken...I know it will get better, that it will just take time. So I'm trying to give myself that time, though it's hard...can't say I've gone through something like this before, so not really sure what to expect. I know that the biggest thing I have to do is to be more patient with myself [something I've never really had much luck with], accept that things are going to be difficult for a while, and that I'm allowed to be a bit 'off' from normal. Easy enough to say, harder to do...

Sunday, January 10, 2010

a personal tribute of my own

Just for Dad: lunch at Adornetto's, just me, a mini pizza, and a book.

not different enough

Every once in a while, I get reminded how things aren't quite as different as I thought they were. A comment here, a snide remark there, somebody saying "those people"...and it makes me realize again that I am very fortunate to live where I do. There, I can have friends because of who they are as people. I can eat pretty much any cuisine I want. I can experience people, cultures, foods, and creeds that boggle the mind. And broaden it.

There are things I will miss about Ohio. There are people I will miss. There are places, sights, smells, sounds. There are memories here.

But there are things I am just as happy to leave behind.

Saturday, January 09, 2010

murphy's law

My dad was very found of referring to Murphy's Law. Very fond. To the point that my mother would get frustrated every time he would mention it. And today, I'm going to follow in his footsteps...frickin' Murphy's Law hit again. Had another rough night of the toss-turn variety. Getting way too familiar with what is on television at three and four in the morning. Finally managed to drift into a sort-of-kind-of sleeplike state around 5am...

....and my mobile phone rings around 5:45am.

So now I'm awake, but very groggy. I try the tricks [reading, solitaire, watching telly], no joy. Hours later, finally, finally, finally get my brain to settle down a bit and am lying there in that weird "mind is just wandering and things are all disconnected, not asleep yet, but could drop off at any time" state...

....and the phones in the house all start ringing. With a call from a telemarketing company. Who hang up just as I fumble the phone to my ear.

Stupid Murphy and his stupid law.

Friday, January 08, 2010

thank you

Thank you to everyone who was at the funeral tonight, both in person and in spirit.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

no luck

Sleep, it eludes me. So instead of napping, I spent the evening talking to a couple of close friends back in California. And it was hard, because they are also going through hard times of their own...and I just don't have the focus right now to give them the attention, love, and empathy they deserve. I hate that they are hurting, and I hate that I don't have the resources right now to support them the way I would like. So frustrating, so tiring...

long night, long day

Another zero sleep night. Today I had some things I wanted/needed to do for Dad [people to talk to for him, things to get that he didn't have a chance to], and I needed to get some groceries for me, so spent the day out and about. The weather is turning very wintery, with heavy blowing snow and the roads disappearing in the whiteness. I really enjoyed being out in it, but everything is starting to catch up to me [as you can probably tell by this somewhat disjointed entry], so had to head back. I think I'm going to turn off the phones for a bit and try to get some rest...with luck, the snow will still be there to enjoy when I wake up.

on a different note

Five years ago today, Dad and Mom gave a three-footed black cat an airline ticket to California and sent him on his way. Happy "birthday", Pepper.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

the obituary

Major John Buncak
(US Army Ret)

Trinway - Major John W. Buncak, 69, of Trinway, died Tuesday morning January 5, 2010 at his home.

Major Buncak was born June 11, 1940 in Waukegan, IL, a son of the late Stephen and Irene Buncak. He retired from the US Army in 1979, after serving his country for twenty years. Major Buncak and his wife Sharon then returned to Sharon’s home in Ohio, where they lived until his death.

Surviving are two daughters, Stacey Gladman of Palo Alto, CA, Jennifer Stewart of Dresden; two brothers, Robert (Bobby) Buncak, Thomas (Tom) Buncak; and two sisters, Lonah Buncak and Cindy Ahola. In addition to his parents, he was preceded in death by his companion and wife, Sharon, and his brother Stephen.

John was a very self-determined man who greatly enjoyed sharing life with his wife, and who looked forward to being with her again. He asked that no cards or flowers be sent; instead, his girls ask that you indulge in one smartass moment with a smile on your face for John.

Friends may call 6-8PM January 8th, 2010 at the Dresden Chapel of Vensil-Orr & Chute Funeral Home. Military Funeral Honors will be held at 8PM at the funeral home.

[online version - courtesy of Vensil-Orr & Chute]
[online version - courtesy of Zanesville Times Recorder]

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

he's gone

Love you, da...

rough night

Another no-sleep night, toss, turn. And to quote Dad, Murphy's Law hit: trains whoo-whooing through at 3am, again at 4am, then snowplows scraping and backup-beeping at 5am, then another train around 6am. I know Dad was up for a while in the wee hours too, but at least for the moment, he's soundly asleep on the couch, snoring away. Funny how a sound that is usually considered annoying can be actually rather comforting in the right circumstances...

Saturday, January 02, 2010

a message for the saylor clan

Things are going to be a bit hectic in the next days/weeks/months, so I want to take a moment while I can and say something to the Saylors:

Thank you. Your empathy, support, hugs, commiseration, validation, and love have meant a lot to me. Not just during this trip, but for most of my long as I can remember, you've all been there for me, cheering me on, keeping me humble, and giving me a touchstone in tough times. Through happy times, sad times, smooth sailing, and drama-ridden seas, you've been there, and I'm lucky to have you as family.

I'm not even sure if any of you read my little online diary here, but if you do, can you please pass on my love and thanks to the others? I'm also trying to do it in person as much as I can while I'm here...I want you all to know that your love and support are very much appreciated.

Love you guys...

Friday, January 01, 2010

small town

Went for a walk last night...forgot how small this town is, hit the end of it in less than 10 minutes [seriously...after the train tracks, there's pretty much nothing for miles]. Kind of made the 'take a long walk to clear the head and work things through' effort a bit fruitless, though I did get a bit of a smile at the reminder of how tiny this little hamlet is. And I'll take a smile, however small, where I can get it...