single again

Well, for the weekend anyway...Will finally gave in to my cajoling and snagged some time in Tahoe to go snowboarding with his buddy. He wanted me to go with, and I will definitely go next time, but right now I'm still having troubles with the social interactions, being smiley and happy and interactive. I don't like to admit it, but it's rougher getting through some of this than I hoped, especially given the time I had to prepare and the time I had with Dad before he died to talk things through. Been putting on the brave face for Will, and he's been awesome...but I'll admit that it's good to have some time totally to myself, time that lets me just be alone, no need to worry about being "on" for someone else. Still trying to figure out how to work through all of this...some days are okay, others not so much. Just kind of hanging in there, one moment after another, and making it through each day a bit at a time. I know that time is what it will take, and I've got faith in myself...but a fast-forward button would be really nice sometimes.

a tough subject, death

One which Sir Terry Pratchett discusses very frankly and with great thought and gentle humour in the following videos...dying with dignity, choosing your manner of leaving life. He is suffering from a very rare form of Alzheimer's, one which strips him of his ability to process visual information properly. Can you imagine being a very intelligent, very prolific, very clever writer who knows he is losing his ability to type, to follow words on paper, to even recognize his notebook in front of him?

On February 1st, 2010, he delivered the annual Richard Dimbleby lecture, giving a very personal, very straightforward speech about his illness, his feelings on terminal diseases and dying, and his own desire to die peacefully on his own terms. As he puts it,

As I have said, I would like to die peacefully with Thomas Tallis on my iPod before the disease takes me over and I hope that will not be for quite some time to come, because if I knew that I could die at any time I wanted, then suddenly every day would be as ­precious as a million pounds. If I knew that I could die, I would live. My life, my death, my choice.

Those of you who know me know that dying with dignity is a cause very close to my heart, one I feel very strongly about...so these videos were very hard for me to watch, but very, very worthwhile.

Here is the link to the article that pointed me to the videos, with good backstory to the speech: http://www.weirduniverse.net/blog/permalink/shaking_hands_with_death/

And a direct link to the slightly edited transcript of the speech: http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2010/feb/02/terry-pratchett-assisted-suicide-tribunal

The videos themselves:













There is a lot I can say here, a lot I am feeling, a lot I am dealing with and will be dealing with for a very long time...until I find the words to express some of it, I will borrow his.

Thank you, Sir Terry...I only wish that Dad could have heard this.

cozy, but...

Been stuck home sick the past few days, but my roommates have been keeping me company...this was the view from my lap a little bit ago [that's Bean on my upper lap, with Pepper nestled down by my knees/shins]:


Nice and cozy, except when you need to get up to go to the bathroom. I was treated to some seriously disapproving looks when I tried:

I braved the disdain, disentangled myself, and made it off the couch safely. Now they are sitting on the living room floor, semi-patiently waiting for me to stop typing and stretch back out again. Something tells me I should get everything I need to get done out of the way before doing that...I doubt they'll be as understanding the next time.

that's my story and i'm sticking to it

My excuse for any typos whilst IMing, blogging, or emailing [click to see bigger]:


It's funny to watch him bouncing along with my arm movements as I type and mouse and surf the web...silly boy.

[look closely and you can see the awesome blanket my sister made for me...it's a perfect "couch blanket" and gets used pretty much every time I sit on the couch]

forgiving felines

Luckily, the cats haven't held a grudge against me for disappearing for so long [though I'm sure part of their forgiveness is due to the good care the kind folks watching over them gave while I was gone]. Spent part of today just lying with them, with one on my chest curled up under my chin and the other sprawled out on my legs. I was effectively trapped, but wasn't complaining...

On a sadder note, this blog entry from Neil Gaiman [and his previous ones about Zoe] hit me hard...for many reasons and on many levels.

dad would have loved this weather

Heavy rain, thunder, hail, and even a rare tornado warning for the Bay Area.

not quite nightmares...

....but being plagued by bad dreams. The kind that leave you shaking and have your heart racing, where you wake up nearly crying and can't shake the feeling for hours. Only a few details stay into consciousness, just enough that you know you had a rough night and that the "rest" wasn't truly restful, but not enough is left to allow you to examine and dissect the dream and dismiss it or understand the roots of it. So you wander through the day, disconnected from reality by a weird hazy buffer of remembered emotions and not enough rest, hoping you are faking it well enough that no one asks.

Ensign, divert all available energy to emotional shields...engage mask on my mark.

Engage.

western lands

Made it back to California with no problems, luggage arrived, even the boxes Dad and I shipped earlier on all got here safely. Been hiding out at Will's for a few days, avoiding life for a bit longer...he's been really good, very patient, and very good at providing distractions like sushi, movies, telly, and lots of hugs and comfort. Still not sleeping well, being hit with bad dreams that leave me more than a little shaken...I know it will get better, that it will just take time. So I'm trying to give myself that time, though it's hard...can't say I've gone through something like this before, so not really sure what to expect. I know that the biggest thing I have to do is to be more patient with myself [something I've never really had much luck with], accept that things are going to be difficult for a while, and that I'm allowed to be a bit 'off' from normal. Easy enough to say, harder to do...

a personal tribute of my own

Just for Dad: lunch at Adornetto's, just me, a mini pizza, and a book.

not different enough

Every once in a while, I get reminded how things aren't quite as different as I thought they were. A comment here, a snide remark there, somebody saying "those people"...and it makes me realize again that I am very fortunate to live where I do. There, I can have friends because of who they are as people. I can eat pretty much any cuisine I want. I can experience people, cultures, foods, and creeds that boggle the mind. And broaden it.

There are things I will miss about Ohio. There are people I will miss. There are places, sights, smells, sounds. There are memories here.

But there are things I am just as happy to leave behind.