no cutesy title

It's the little things that wear you down. The big things are exhausting, definitely. But with the big things, you have no choice but to concentrate on them, spend energy on them. And life can be shunted aside temporarily while you deal with the big things...everyone understands, you are justified in focusing exclusively on the big things.

But the little things are sometimes harder. Especially when a lot of little things all hit at once. You have to keep everything else going while you deal with the little things. You can't just stop the merry-go-round for a bit while you address them.You have to keep going, keep everything moving, don't let anything drop. And you feel trapped, like there is no end to the exhaustion and drain on your time, your will, your energy.

I'm being beaten down by the little things, and I don't see when it will end. The changes I would have to make to make things better in the longer run, like finding a new job, giving Bean away, moving somewhere more affordable...they all involve more energy and resources than I have to give. It's a no-win, a catch-22. All I can do is keep slogging forward, one foot in front of the other, and hope that foot lands on solid ground.

i just flu in, and boy is my body tired

Yup. Flu. Fever, chills, body aches. Nothing to do about it except rest, stay hydrated, and take a pain reliever for the aches. If the fever stays above 102 for more than a day, then head in to the doctor, pronto. So staying home today; checked work email, got some stuff done, now off to bundle up and get healthy. Really hoping Bean respects the flu bug and lets me rest...I think she owes me.

answers but no solutions

The biopsy results came back: interstitial cystitis of the bladder mucosa. Basically means that Bean's bladder lining is pockmarked with ulcerations and erosions as her immune system went into overdrive. It is not the cause of her troubles, but a symptom of a more systemic issue. I can't remember the fancy name for it, but basically there is something wrong with her immune system that is expressing itself as bladder trouble right now.

Sadly, there is no "cure" for her troubles. There are some remedies we have to try, but they aren't sure-fire solutions [damn it]. First is to get her onto wet food, to keep as much moisture in her system as possible and get the concentration of urine down [to prevent irritation and keep her immune system pacified]. Second is to start giving her glucosamine, to help with inflammation and keep her immune system from over-reacting. Third is [believe it or not] prozac, to help keep her system at a baseline, keep everything in balance, and try to prevent radical changes in her body chemistry. No guarantees that any of it will work.

This isn't going to be fun...

damn it

I need to clean the bathroom and the cat *again*.

not a good morning

Woke up in the wee hours shaking and shivering, aching all over. Pulled out extra blankets [making sure the sacrificial blanket was on top, of course], only to start sweating and overheating. Checked my temp [101], took some ibuprofen to see if it helped, and eventually managed to drift off a bit...not real sleep, but an odd state where you know you aren't asleep, but you aren't fully aware, either.

Got up to discover that Bean is recovering from the effects of the anesthesia and surgery...or rather, her bowels are recovering. A lot. So I spent half an hour cleaning up the bathroom and her...and since she has dissolvable stitches, I couldn't just throw her in the tub and clean her off. I feel awful, and I really don't want to be cleaning up cat shit while shaking and fevery.

And to top it all off, my new manager starts today...so I'm sick, running late, and on the verge of tears. A lovely Monday.

a very nice evening

Spent some time webcamming with Dad, then later on with Mom and Jennifer...was really nice to see them and talk in near-real-time. I miss them...

crashed

Wow, I crashed hard this afternoon...and it was much needed. Napping is a beautiful thing. Would love to crawl back into bed, but if I do, I won't sleep tonight, darn it...

so sweet...

Pepper just curled up on my lap...poor neglected kitty.

feh

Figures. Can't sleep. The little bit of sleep I did get was plagued with dreams about work [coordinating with our distributor to get eval units of BlueCoat SG-200A boxes, if you were curious...aren't you glad you asked?]. Yeesh.

Was awakened by Bean snuggling up by my armpit...or rather, by her plastic surgery collar smooshing into my face. She's resting a little better tonight than last night, thankfully. Still restless, but able to lie still for a longer period. She's still hurting, and makes little 'mew' sounds sometimes when she moves or tries to stand, but I'm seeing an improvement.

So I'm up for a bit to try to exorcise the brain monkeys, catch up on some online stuff, tire myself out a bit. Bean's next meds aren't due for another 3.5 hours, so I've got a bit of time to snag some zees [or zeds, if you prefer] if I can shut off the brain for a while...

calgon, take me away

Running late...Bean had a rough night. She was really hurting, even with the pain medication, and her collar is confusing her and getting in the way when she tries to lie down. Just when she would get settled and I'd start to drift off, she'd twitch and move, get up and head to the litter pan, then make her way back. I ended up lying on the floor for a while; she kept trying to come up on the bed with me, which just isn't good for her stitches.

Tough morning, too, but I finally got her settled down after much petting and soothing. Just gave her pain meds, so hopefully they will take effect soon. Will need to come home during the day today to give the next dose...but I'm glad we've got something for the pain.

Off to quickly scrub and preen and get in to work...