scuttled

And there go any plans for the summer...Will's dog Darwin had to have some pretty serious surgery on both of his hind legs. He tore ligaments in both knees, requiring a procedure called a TPLO [tibial plateau leveling osteotomy]. The surgery involved cutting the top bit of his tibia off and shifting it sideways to level out the angle at which the bones in the joint meet; the shifted bone end is held in place by a metal plate and many screws, so he has quite a bit of healing ahead of him.

Poor little guy is looking at 8 weeks of recovery, then another 8 weeks of rehabilitation. For the next two weeks, he is only allowed to walk three times a day for 5 minutes; then 10 minutes per walk for the next two weeks, building up to a whopping 15 minutes three times a day for the next month . This means careful monitoring of him to be sure he doesn't hurt himself or aggravate the injuries, which includes carrying him around outside of those allowed walking times...and he's not a small dog. Hauling around 40 awkward pounds of injured dog is interesting to say the least, especially one with two wonky back legs. Add in twice daily meds and sedatives, with all the fun of shoving bitter pills down a non-cooperative dog's throat, and you are looking at fun, fun times.

So for the next four months, no more having friends over for barbeques or drinks or swimming, no more both of us being able to go out together, and a lot more logistics and figuring out who/what/when/how until Darwin heals enough to be left safely on his own. Hopefully the poor puppy heals quickly and is patient with us as we try to make him as comfortable as possible...it's always rough when an animal is hurting. :^(

it's a start

Historic rulings from the United States Supreme Court today...as I've said before, we need more encouragement of love, devotion, and caring in this world.

conflicting emotions

Been a while since I posted anything here...I haven't been feeling much like doing the diary thing, and any random brain bits tend to get thrown onto Facebook and then purged from the buffer. Life has been both busy and chill...busy getting the house pulled together and doing the million and one things it takes to move into a new place and merge two lives, but chill in that we are taking our time, making sure to fit in some fun and downtime. We've had friends over for beer, barbeques, and swimming, Will has gone on motorcycle rides and car rallies, I've napped and read and scritched Pepper and walked Darwin, we've stretched out on the couch and watched the birds and deer and squirrels in the backyard, been fascinated by the sounds of coyotes howling and yipping nearby [eerily nearby], spent hours in front of the fire pit just watching the flames light up the night, snuggled up together enjoying the peace and quiet, basically enjoying the moments as they come.

Even with all that, though, I've been feeling rather melancholy. Part of it is a feeling of disconnection...from friends and family across the country, and from a world I left behind after Dad died. Folks that I was close to were lost to the oddness surrounding those times; they drifted away as they grew uncomfortable with what was happening, and then just faded entirely. A precious few are still in my life, and I love them dearly...nothing like a bit of chaos and pain to show you the underlying strength [or lack thereof] of bonds of friendship and caring.

Another part of the sadness is weirdly because of the new house. It's a really nice place; it has some weird issues [the people who owned it before us tended to choose form over function, so there are some strange choices they'd made that we are either learning to deal with or planning to fix], but overall, it's awesome. The location is the best part, though...the backyard is full of trees and plants that draw in all kinds of wildlife. Bobcats, quail, woodpeckers, finches, doves, hummingbirds, deer, coyotes, bunnies, frogs, lizards, hawks, moles, a bunch of different birds we haven't identified yet. There is even a donkey that someone nearby owns, and we can hear him ee-awwing once in a while. We are on a hill, so the view is of the sky and trees, and we can even see some stars at night.

It's all quite cool and a great place to picture living out the next 20+ years...and I keep finding myself thinking about how much Mom and Dad would love this place. Mom and I would sit out back in the early morning, watching the birds and sipping coffee. Dad would absolutely flip his shit over all the animals...he'd be loving it. He would also be volunteering to help fix some of the random electrical issues that pop up, or at least telling us what we should be looking for as we tried to fix them ourselves [or hired someone to do it]. Mom and I would be floating in the pool and relaxing with some margaritas or maybe a daiquiri or two, while giggling at Dad trying to lure in whatever random animal was in the yard at the time.

I know everyone says it when they've lost someone they love, but I wish they could see this. They saw me go through so much shit in life, they were always there to support and console and cheer me on. They gave me an amazing set of tools to rely on as life rumbles on its way...I wouldn't be who I am without them. And I dearly, desperately wish they could share all of this with me...Will, the life we are building, the house, the land, the place I find myself in life right now. It doesn't lessen what is happening and how amazing all of this is, but I find it coloring how I am able to appreciate it.

That, I think, is the cruelest aspect to death and loss: the loss of what could have been, the inability to share the 'now' with the ones that helped us achieve it and saw us as we struggled to get there. We all learn to move on; we've been doing it for as long as we've been emotional beings...and it is just as difficult for us now as it was for the first person to experience it.

goodbye, little one

He was a lucky little thing...Jennifer found him, Mom and Dad cleaned him up and gave him a good home, Dad spoiled him rotten, and then Monie continued the caring and the spoiling for years after that. He may have had a rough time before he came into their lives, but he had a pampered life once he was there.

Take care, Lil-Bit...you were a sweetie.

landmark days

Here is hoping the Supreme Court finds in favor of love and union, not fear and divisiveness. In a world fraught with anger, war, hatred, pain, confusion, and distrust, we need to encourage all the caring and support that human beings have to offer each other.

Just care about each other, people. Respect each other.

We need more of that.

old-fashioned values

Watching a PBS documentary about Grace Kelly...she was asked if she would continue acting after she married Prince Rainier, and she answered quietly, "That is up to the Prince." Cut to the Prince being asked the question, and he answered simply, "No." Then a bit later in the documentary, the [now married] couple were asked what the succession would be if she gave birth to twins and a girl was born first...the Prince answered that while the rule is firstborn without regards to gender, the girl would not be allowed to rule and would be expected to voluntarily cede her right to her brother.

It was jarring, and I was relieved that things had changed so much since then...then I thought about current events and some of the ways that we seem to be heading back to those times, and then recalled a surprising turn a dinner conversation took the other night. One man spoke very strongly about what was "ladylike" and "classy" and the things a lady "absolutely should not do" [for the record, the ones he mentioned specifically were "fart openly, even in the solitude of her own home; take out the garbage; hang shelving; and 'anything that is very clearly a man's job'"]. Thankfully, he didn't find the support he seemed to think he would amongst the group, but it was a stark reminder that these mindsets still exist, and that I am very lucky to be surrounded by people whom I respect and who respect and accept me for who I am as a whole, even if I do put up my own shelves.

[And for the record, if being "ladylike" and "classy" means not being able to take care of myself or my home, or take out my garbage, or fart and burp in my own home, then I'm absolutely okay with not having those descriptions applied to me. Though I doubt that comes as a surprise to anyone who knows me...]

the 80s rock :^)

Saw "Tainted Love" [80s cover band] with Susy tonight...we can't remember how long ago it was when we first saw them, but we know it's been a while. Many years on, they still know how to give you your money's worth...much fun was had by all. Even better, I got to catch up with a much-loved long-time friend.

[note to self: next time, remember your ear plugs. >.< ]

progress is being made

There have been painters cranking away on the inside of house since Wednesday, painting pretty much every wall and ceiling in the place. These guys have been working their asses off, nine hours a day, eight in the morning until five in the evening...they are awesomely thorough, very detailed, and very considerate. They've been filling holes and sanding where needed, and even put up with us having to make a paint color change after the first day [in a house with a lot of sunlight, bright white paint is *not* the solution you thought it might be >.< ].

[And can I just say that trying to pick a color of paint is more mind-melting than you would think? It's easy to say "we want a light tannish color"...but do you want "Wise Owl", "Baby Turtle", "Moroccan Sand", or "Malted Milk"? Even scarier is finding out you actually have an opinion about each of those colors...buh.]

So one more obstacle to moving in is being knocked down...a few big ones are left [new water heater and recirculator, getting the garage done], then it's fair game for moving in. Which means time to get serious about packing...eep.

time flies

We've been married a year today. Too cool.

brick by brick

Many years back, I was having a rough time of things. Nothing like what I would find myself going through in later years, but at the time, it was a crisis of confidence and identity that left me pretty empty and confused and alone. Interestingly, it wasn't the earlier dissolving of the seventeen-year relationship that was tearing me down, but rather a later, shorter term one that had [and continues to have] resounding and rebounding effects on me.

Eventually, I gave in and saw a therapist. I have a hard time with facts and realizations that don't come from within my own head/heart, so I'd avoided or ignored that avenue of assistance for a while. In this case, I'd already done a bit of it with a joint/group counselor, so taking it a step further and finding someone who was strictly "on my side" was a bit easier. And it ended up helping, to an extent...it let me get some things that were rattling around in my head out into the open, throw some light on them, and let them air out a bit after being kept in the dank, dark bits of my brain for so long.

A short while after that situation resolved itself [or at least was in the process of being resolved], I had a conversation with each therapist about what had happened and what I was planning going forward. Both of them, independently, encouraged me to find a support group for "people who'd been through similar situations". I demurred, deflected, downplayed...and they saw through it, but were both savvy enough to plant the seed and then back off. A short time after that, one of them followed up with me, and told me point blank: "Stacey, it may not have been physical, there may not have been bruises, and you may have felt that your eyes were open and you were aware of what was happening, but it was still *abuse*. You took an emotional beating, you were worn down, you were forced to defend who you were at the core of your being. You faced anger and defensiveness and belittling and projection of insecurities onto you; you were left doubting what you wanted, choices you'd made, and where you wanted your life to go. You were precariously close to letting yourself make decisions that would have affected you for the rest of your life because it was easier than continuing to swim against that tide, but you pushed through, dug in, and stood tall. Never forget that. With everything you'd been through before then, with everything that happened during, and everything that came after, you took control of your own life. You took responsibility. That is something that will serve you for as long as you need it, for as long as you live."

And a few weeks later, the other therapist said something very similar, and encouraged me again to look into support groups. I never did end up doing that; instead I worked with both of them to build a foundation for those newly-rediscovered and hard-fought lessons. Both were skilled in letting me get to the conclusions on my own; rather than pushing me where they thought I should go, they simply provided a conduit to let my thoughts flow in the right directions, which was the best way for me to internalize and actually trust in what I was figuring out.

Because of them, a lot of difficult introspection and truth-facing, and some very kind, patient, and loving friends and family, I gained tools that served me well in the times that were still to come. With luck, I won't need what I learned again...but if I do, I know that it is all still there, and that it can never be lost or taken from me. It was hard-earned, and worth the fight.