Friday, September 26, 2008

realization

Slowly realizing that, for many reasons, this specific time is the worst I've been through so far. Even the whole divorce and betrayal and feeling abandoned and totally alone and everything else that came with that...even that wasn't as soul-searingly draining as this.

One reason is that I'm *feeling* all of this. During the hell that came with the divorce, I shut down...I literally can't remember huge patches of time. Oh, it hurt, like nothing I'd felt before, but it was like an overload switch kicked in and shunted some of it away because it was too much.

I'm stronger now, and I know more about myself, what I want, what is out there. And that is precisely what is making this harder to bear...the numbness isn't coming, because of the strength I gained during earlier trials. From those experiences, I've gained the ability to continue functioning through hard times. The irony of being so strong that it makes me weaker is a cruel joke...

Adding to that is the knowledge and understanding and comprehension I gained through life, pain, experience. The weight of what will happen when my parents' health fails; the hard-earned awareness of just what I want and need in a partner, which means I can't and won't compromise who I am just to have someone; the wonderful thrill of having had an amazing connection with someone, which now serves to remind me of its loss and its lack and its rarity...all this and a thousand other things combine to make this a severe test of all that makes me "me".

I know I'll come through it...there is no other option. I just wish I could know for certain that there would be some gain, some reward, something that would make me able to look back and say it was hard, but worth it. On better days, I tell myself that and almost believe it...but there are the more realistic days when I just can't quite believe in karma or balance or the concept of "fair", days when it feels like this is all there is.

I try hard to be a good person, daughter, partner, friend. I can't do anything _but_ try...it's not in me to give up. And I know that life will get better...

...but right now it hurts.

1 comment:

Rowlock said...

Two things I'd like to say, if I may. Feel free to publish this publicly or not, but I wanted at least to say them to you.

Firstly, you succeed in being a good person, and a good friend. That much I can say without fear of contradiction. I suspect you are equally successful at being a good daughter, and a good partner. I can't imagine you being otherwise.

I believe you're right when you say that you don't have it in you to strive for anything less.

Secondly, there is an upside to the pain. It's a long-term one, and Goddess knows it's not an upside to the situation as a whole, but what you're going through right now is a good sign given your circumstances, and here's why:

It proves that you're fully aware and cognizant of the situation, and that you're dealing with the emotional reality of the hell that you've been put through these last few weeks. If you'll permit me to borrow an analogy from Terry Moore, this is exactly what shows that you won't be looking over your shoulder when someone or something good comes along.

You are internalizing and processing your emotions and the things that have happened in your life. You're grieving for the things you've lost. You're preparing and planning for things that lay down the path. You're not shutting the world away, burying your feelings, or putting reality on a back shelf, where it would jump out at you later.

This way you won't get ambushed in the future by things you haven't dealt with, and end up missing the good things that lie in store. You won't be staring back over your shoulder, because you will already know and understand what's back there. Your eyes will be focused on now and on the future, where they can do you the most good.

It hurts. It probably hurts more than anything you've felt before. I believe you're certainly more keenly aware of the pain than any in the past because, as you say, you're living through it wide awake. But the fact that you're strong, aware, and self-possessed enough to remain awake through all this means that it will be in your past all the quicker, and all the more thoroughly.

It's never going to be forgotten, and I'm in no way trying to diminish or trivialize what you're feeling - quite the opposite. But I believe that this way you will come out of the other side whole, and you will do so in a way that may have taken the Stacey of times past many years to achieve.

There are people in your world who understand, and who wish to help you bear your burden. But we also know that the burden is very personal and very, very real, and that you're doing your very best to bear it. We see your strength, and we trust in your resolve. You inspire us to try that little bit harder in our own lives. But right now, you need to focus on you.

Just try to remember that, in whatever ways that we can, we're focusing on you during these times too.

I believe in you, dear friend. Keep breathing.