realization

Slowly realizing that, for many reasons, this specific time is the worst I've been through so far. Even the whole divorce and betrayal and feeling abandoned and totally alone and everything else that came with that...even that wasn't as soul-searingly draining as this.

One reason is that I'm *feeling* all of this. During the hell that came with the divorce, I shut down...I literally can't remember huge patches of time. Oh, it hurt, like nothing I'd felt before, but it was like an overload switch kicked in and shunted some of it away because it was too much.

I'm stronger now, and I know more about myself, what I want, what is out there. And that is precisely what is making this harder to bear...the numbness isn't coming, because of the strength I gained during earlier trials. From those experiences, I've gained the ability to continue functioning through hard times. The irony of being so strong that it makes me weaker is a cruel joke...

Adding to that is the knowledge and understanding and comprehension I gained through life, pain, experience. The weight of what will happen when my parents' health fails; the hard-earned awareness of just what I want and need in a partner, which means I can't and won't compromise who I am just to have someone; the wonderful thrill of having had an amazing connection with someone, which now serves to remind me of its loss and its lack and its rarity...all this and a thousand other things combine to make this a severe test of all that makes me "me".

I know I'll come through it...there is no other option. I just wish I could know for certain that there would be some gain, some reward, something that would make me able to look back and say it was hard, but worth it. On better days, I tell myself that and almost believe it...but there are the more realistic days when I just can't quite believe in karma or balance or the concept of "fair", days when it feels like this is all there is.

I try hard to be a good person, daughter, partner, friend. I can't do anything _but_ try...it's not in me to give up. And I know that life will get better...

...but right now it hurts.