details

Who/Where: Jeff Croci of Graven Image Tattoo

What it means: Lots of stuff packed into a little ink. The design is from a graphic novel called "Midnight Nation"...the author is someone I really like, whose work helped get me through some rough times. The tribal flame represents those hard times...they worked to burn away the outer layers and help me find out who I truly was deep down. And the flame is on my neck right over my damaged C4 vertebra, as a testament to the pain a random accident years ago caused [and is still causing] me.

When: Thursday, December 27th, 2007

Why: Life is short.

finally made it happen

[stunned silence]

My aunt Essie just died.

shit

My uncle died tonight. Waiting to hear more...sending love to his wife [my aunt], his son [my cousin] and my cousin's family, and to my Mom [sister of my aunt, Mom is with her right now].

I love you...

my kind of christmas carols

Pretty much the only version that doesn't make me want to stab an icepick into my eardrums...

my parents rock

Came home from a long day at work to find this waiting for me...

respite

Let the Wind Erase Me
by Assemblage 23

Attenuate the light of day
So I can see the lines and details
And not the hazy, plastic blur
That floods my eyes till I can't see

Let the wind erase me
Like the memory of a kiss
Let these waters take me
Away from all of this

I long for anonymity
To wipe the features from my face
One single moment of escape
Then I can wake myself again

Let the wind erase me
Like the memory of a kiss
Let these waters take me
Away from all of this

I need a respite from this noise
The distant roar of static oceans
Give me a haven from this bedlam
And let my senses rust away

Let the wind erase me
Like the memory of a kiss
Let these waters take me
Away from all of this

straight to the brain

There is a guy on our floor who whistles. Compulsively. Constantly. Tunelessly. He's a really nice guy...I guess he doesn't even realize he is doing it most of the time. I've mentioned the open floor plan at work, right? And sadly, the pitch of his whistling rips right through headphones and straight into your cerebral cortex. There is no ignoring it, try as you may.

I finally had to be a total meanie and ask if he could please stop...I felt so awkward, but then afterwards, I got three emails from other floor denizens thanking me. :^)

involuntary *clench*

(cold toilet seat)

what ironic timing

A co-worker just came up to ask me something and complained that "more and more people on this floor are wearing headphones". Go fig.

some help from skullcandy

Broke down and bought some "smokin' ear buds" from Skullcandy...very glad I did. Some amazing noise reduction for small in-ear headphone buds, and the three different rubber earpieces let you choose your comfort and noise-killing level [the tighter the fit, the less noise that gets through].

Looking forward to using them to minimize the ambient noise at work...

i frakking *hate* open floor plans

Facebook has open floor plans...no cubes, no walls, just desks spread out over the floor. Drives me crazy...noisy, no way to truly concentrate when you need to, no way to talk quietly on the phone, no shelves or places to put reference materials. Headphones are your only option for privacy, and those don't filter out everything.

There is such a thing as too much community...

a word that's growing on me

I laughed the first time I heard it, but the more I think about it, the more I like the word "bromance". It kind of captures that deep platonic connection and love that you can find with someone...it's meant to refer to two guys, but I think it can be used independent of the gender of the folks involved.

I like.

hectic times

Not a lot of time to update lately. Lots going on, some good, some busy, nothing horrendous or overly dramatic [whew]. Really good times with friends, a cluster<bleep> over a puppet show, working late and on weekends, making new friends, letting old ones go, discovering new music, rediscovering old favorites, heart-to-hearts and tears and hugs and trust and soul-baring, masks and hiding and smiles and pretending. You know...human stuff.

Facebook holiday party tonight...hoping to get enough work done so I can go. Back to the grindstone...

facebook shout-out

wisdom in the strangest places

Love this quote: "The past is behind us, the future unknown, and the moment is all that we have to call home."

And where did it come from? Here, courtesy of ItsJustSomeRandomGuy:

time

Three years ago this month, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and lymphoma. Three years we didn't think we'd have...three years of memories, love, sharing, fear, support, tears, hugs. Every moment since that diagnosis has been a bonus, another page turned when we thought we'd reached the end of the book.

Life is short. You never know when the chapter might end...make the most of it.

freebies rock

Facebook track jacket...awesome-sauce.

pop goes the bubble...

...cuz the bubble goes pop!

beddy bye

A few good nights with a few good friends: last night was dinner with MyFriendJen, catching up, sharing stories; tonight was another friend, dinner at the Tied House, music, and [re]watching the BSG mini-series...all three hours of it, starting around 11p. Meant to stop it halfway through, but got hooked and kept going. Soooo worth it...

So now it's off to bed to [hopefully] grab a few hours of sleep before the day starts anew.

[Oh wait...technically, the day *has* started anew. Whoops.]

winding down

A busy and good weekend: saw "Blade Runner: The Final Cut" Friday night, out for drinks after; ended up sitting around talking for another two hours after that...a good and unexpected evening. Saturday was spent at work...had the place to myself most of the time [except for the construction guys finishing up the conference rooms], so cranked some tunes and cranked out some work. Headed home, fed the cats, then drove off to kick back with a good friend and his kids...good talks, a fun sleepover [woke up to a four-year-old sitting on the couch near my head stroking my hair...a sweet and sneaky way to wake me up], cartoons, Starbucks, lunch, music, hanging out, Starbucks [yes, again...caffeine is a beautiful thing], playing with the kids, walking on the beach in Half Moon Bay [frickin' chilly, but still relaxing], grabbing dinner then watching some "Mortal Kombat" while picnicking on the floor, and just generally taking it easy.

Tonight is laundry, sorting change, bracing for Monday, stretching the weekend out as much as possible...and trying not to think about what the coming week has in store. Denial can be a lovely thing sometimes...

an elaborate dream

The Nine Inch Nails song I mentioned a bit earlier:

"Right Where It Belongs" - Nine Inch Nails

See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all
Right where it belongs

[Chorus:]
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees

[Chorus:]
What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

memory burn

I close my eyes, and it comes back: the memory of a kiss. The very first, a sweet and gentle soul, there in the hall at school; the butterflies, the anticipation, the floating after. Standing at my front door with the one that had my heart for so many years, the path that was started with that innocent and tender moment. Sitting on a cliff, watching a Pacific sunset with the one that I could still be with today, if we'd only met at slightly different times in our lives. That portentous kiss on the grassy hill during a stolen lunchtime moment. The inevitable one that day at home, filled with love and pain and longing and fear and rightness and connection. The one that caught me by surprise, nice but too soon, not ready for that dance yet. The one that hasn't happened yet. The one that won't happen. The one that should happen.

I close my eyes, and I'm there, in each moment. Feeling, tasting, seeing, celebrating, thanking, giving, taking, relaxing, tensing, overthinking, not thinking at all. Images, scenes, there in the archives, able to be reviewed any time I want. Access and enjoy, relive, relearn, relove. Afterimages of times past, burned into the wall of memory, like paintings on a cave wall.

Close your eyes and you are there.

flattery...it works

Seeing "Blade Runner - The Final Cut" with some geek friends tonight. When I thanked one them for the invite, he replied:

"Hey, you meet all the criteria: hot, blonde, and geek."

Ladies and gentlemen, never underestimate the power of flattery, true or not. :^)

rest in peace

Evel Knievel died today...

shiver++

Bathroom is only 46 degrees. And one of the small heaters I have isn't working, so need to trash it. Today will be spent buying space heaters and seeing what can be done about the furnace. Of course, nothing is open for business yet...but at least twiddling my thumbs will help keep them warm.

shiver

Furnace isn't coming on...woke up to 54 degree house. Brrr....

faking it

From PostSecret:

going through my head

I've become very smitten with the latest Puscifer album...the song "Momma Sed" really speaks to me [you can hear the song on the Puscifer website]:

- Momma Sed -

wake up son of mine
momma got somethin' to tell you

changes come
life will have its way
with your pride, son
take it like a man

hang on son of mine
the storm is blowing up your horizon

changes come
keep your dignity
take the high road
take it like a man

listen up son of mine
momma got something to tell you
all about growing pains
life will pound away
where the light don't shine, son
take it like a man

suck it up son of mine
thunder blowing up your horizon

changes come
keep your dignity
take the high road
take it like a man

momma said like the rain
(this too shall pass)
like a kidney stone
(this too shall pass)
it's just a broken heart, son
this pain will pass away

another sweet moment

I'll admit it...this one choked me up. From the description: "It was Disability Awareness day and the folks at Fenway did a lot of great things for kids with challenges..here is one who sang and when he got nervous the Fenway Faithful helped him out."

wow

I can't help wondering if I would have been as altruistic and quick-thinking...

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article/article?f=/c/a/2007/11/28/BACHTKB8O.DTL

rock on

Sent some email to a co-worker about some hardware we are tracking
down...he came over giggling and said that the subject of the email
sounded like a band name:

"Isilon and the Infiniband Switches"

<snort>

ticktickticktick

"60 Minutes" is filming at work today and tomorrow.

these need to go away now

* "at the end of the day" - specifically when used in a context that does not LITERALLY MEAN "at the termination of the current period we acknowledge as a day, be it the work day or sundown or midnight"

* "I threw up in my mouth a little" - just stop. this has ceased being funny.

* "it is what it is" - I get the concept being expressed, but whenever anyone uses this, they seem so dismissive

More to come...

[and yes, I am sure that I say things that people just roll their eyes at and want *me* to retire...but this is *my* blog so I get to post these. So there... <ppbbbbtttt!!!> ]

the best laid plans

Well, so much for heading out into the world. Got the Starbucks, but didn't get much further...we pretty much turned around, headed back, and promptly zonked out. Hard.

Off to find some dinner [technically, breakfast <wry grin>]...

recap

Let's see...starting with Wednesday evening:

* unexpected evening of drinks at Rudy's, laughing, balloon sculptures, Jack'n'Cokes, lost cars, found cars, and new friends

* a non-traditional and very relaxing Thanksgiving, including green curry chicken, naps [okay, maybe that part was traditional], phone calls to friends and family, pizza for dinner, movies, chillin'

* Beowulf in 3D [definitely the way to see it...the movie was actually mediocre otherwise]

* going home and watching Luc Besson's 'Angel-A' and having it grow on us

* starting to leave, then talking more, then finally leaving only to discover that somehow two more hours had passed

* getting home at 4:30am :^)

* going back out at 6pm after finally hauling my hinder out of bed and the house

* cheap-but-good sushi

* seeing 'Hitman' [entertaining, fluffy, a bit inconsistent but then it wasn't meant to be high art]

* sharing music

* opening the bottle of port

* finishing the bottle of port

* heading out in the wee hours to get an audio cable so we could listen to more music

* setting the goal of staying awake through the 'dry' hours of 2-6a so we could get another bottle of port

* achieving our goal

* getting another bottle of port

* finishing another bottle of port

* good music...good talks...good friend

* Pain's awesome-sauce cover of 'Eleanor Rigby'

* emotional and very personal chords being struck when hearing Nine Inch Nails' Japanese release of 'Right Where It Belongs'

* falling asleep with music still playing

* finally waking up to face the day, grab some Starbucks, head out into the world...but first, a nap <grin>

* most preciously: treasuring a rare moment in life when I was able to relax, live in the moment with someone I trust, let everything go for a while, and just *be*.

"effortless"

An amazing compliment was given to me by a very close friend: we were talking about life, the universe, love, pain...somewhere in there, he described our friendship as "effortless".

It was one of the highest compliments I have ever been paid.

crayon physics

Crayon Physics - Watch more free videos

happy today, everyone

I hope you have much to be thankful for.

great googly moogly, that reeks

Valerian root. Ew.

redemption

'Heroes' kicked ass tonight.

a shot of the flu

Flu shots at work today. The kid in me always loved the idea of shooting a dead version of something into your blood to help keep you from getting the live version of it. Sounds really bizarre, doesn't it?

the more things change...

A friend is going through a rough time. One of her closest friends told her recently that he had to cut off all contact with her...his wife was not comfortable with their friendship. She felt abandoned and hurt and betrayed; she understood that his priorities were his wife and family, but the way he handled it was less than mature.

I've been on all three sides of that scenario: the wife telling her best friend that she needed to disappear for a while to focus on the marriage, the wife wondering about the close relationship between her husband and a friend, and the one that got shuffled off to the side when another wife got uncomfortable. In the first case, I realized that it wasn't a marriage if I had to tiptoe around his insecurities, and so I fought to bring that friend back into my life [and I've still got him in my life <waves to him>]; in the second, I couldn't and didn't ask him to drop the friend...I knew it wouldn't solve the underlying issues, that keeping someone with me by force was not healthy and definitely not what I wanted. In the third, well, it hurt(s) like hell, but I know it was/is out of my control, and that in the long run, I'll be better served by the break.

Which is what I told my friend: that this was not her issue, it was between her friend and his wife; that yes, it hurts like hell that he couldn't take responsibility for his actions and was essentially running away and avoiding the underlying issues; that she was simply a catalyst and convenient target for those issues and that they pre-dated her; that her feelings were valid and that it would continue to hurt for a while that someone who was such an important part of your life could just walk away from you like that.

A validating part was when she forwarded me some email from her counselor...the email said almost exactly what I had been saying to her, which made me feel good. She's got some rough times ahead of her as she comes to grips with this...she's strong, and she'll make it, but it will be a bumpy ride between now and then. I have faith in her...

once more with feeling

Another Monday morning. Motivation was hard to come by this weekend...was supposed to go to a concert Saturday night, but those plans fell through. Got hit by dizzy spell, for the second time in less than two weeks...keeping an eye on that. Managed to get laundry done, but just had no desire to do much of anything, really.

Yesterday ended up all right, though. Hauled my hinder out and about, and happened to be leaving a mall just as a friend was parking on the other side; a chance text message at just the right time led to a u-turn and an impromptu meet-up. Hung out with him and his kids, we grabbed dinner, then watched part of "Return of the King". Those are the coolest kids ever...they are totally into the movie. And he is the coolest dad, letting them see it [with judicious fast-forwarding, muting, and covering-of-little-eyes to protect during some scenes].

The insomnia has been pretty bad lately. Even when I have all day to sleep, I can't. Hoping this long weekend will give me a chance to get some rest...a friend suggested valerian root, so I'm going to give that a try.

Off to start the day and head into the work...short weeks are always weird, because the same amount of work needs to get done in a shorter amount of time, but there is a more festive feeling in the air while you are doing it.

And awwwaaaAAAAAyyyyy!!!

wobble wobble

Hmmm...an afternoon/evening of wobbliness/dizziness, out of the blue. Shaky, lightheaded, the room spins when I close my eyes...you'd think I was hungover, except for the minor issue of not having imbibed alcohol [or any illicit substance].

What an odd way to spend a Saturday...

a rare thing

It isn't often you find a friend you can cry in front of. I'm not talking the "something horrible/painful/devastating has happened to me" totally-socially-acceptable crying, but rather the "this movie really affects me", "I'm really down for no specific reason", "this song is incredibly beautiful", or "these memories are hitting me in a very vulnerable place" kind of way. The kind of tears you normally choke down, try hard not to show, turn into a surreptitious wipe of the eye or a casual swipe of the nose, and try to talk around as if there wasn't a huge lump in your throat.

We hide those tears and emotions for a lot of reasons: not wanting to show weakness, not wanting to admit that something affected us to that degree, even not wanting to put the burden of "cheering you up" or "fixing it" on the other person. When you can find a person that you trust enough to cry in front of, and who simply provides a shoulder or quiet acceptance or who just gives you room to feel what you are feeling...

...you are lucky indeed.

beats the heck out of powerpoint

[whoops...video removed from youtube. go there and do a search for 'demetri martin'...there's some good stuff. be sure to look for the video of him in front of the giant flip chart, giving a "presentation".]

you know what I hate??

I really hate?? People who talk?? As if there were question marks?? After every other word??

You know???

"tastes like maple syrup"

A really good time tonight...an unofficial Facebook party to celebrate 50 million [plus] users, held at the Blue Chalk in Palo Alto, open bar and live music by The Spazmatics [80s rock]. MyFriendJen was my +1, and we had a lot of fun...I was so glad she could come. We danced, we bopped, we enjoyed...a good time was had. She headed home around 11:30p or so to check on her guy [who'd been out with his own buds and apparently had a *very* good time]; I walked with her to the corner then came back to keep dancing.

It was a little slow after the band came back for their third set, but then it picked up. In between 80s songs, Eric [of Facebook] came up on stage and played guitar...he rocked a Green Day tune. A bit later, another FB guy [Andy?] sang his lungs out on "Living on a Prayer". Serious points to the band for sharing the spotlight with grace and class. Towards the end of the evening and the last set, things definitely got livelier and the crowd got a lot more into it. I kept on dancing at the front, having a blast and sharing smiles with the band [and maple caramel lip gloss with the gorgeous-under-the-dork-getup lead singer [twice :^)]. As I headed out to walk back to Jen's for my car, the incredibly sweet and smokin' hot bouncer that Jen and I had been talking with earlier in the evening asked me to dinner...a very nice way to end a very fun evening.

Now to wind down and try to get a few hours of sleep before heading in to work...and to make a note to myself to buy more of this lip gloss. <grin>

compliment

Gretchen: "You're weird."
Donnie: "Sorry."
Gretchen: "No, that was a compliment."

from Donnie Darko

an aching need

A friend is going through a rough time...he recently had a woman leave him, and he is devastated. They hadn't been together long, but he fell hard for her...and she did the leaving, so it left him with a lot unresolved.

The timing is bad for this...he has been going through a period of existential crisis lately [it has been building for a while], and being an introspective type, it has been hitting him hard. To make matters worse, other people close to him are accusing him of going through a "midlife crisis", essentially dismissing his feelings and ruminations as "a phase" and "not fair to the people around him" [never mind being fair to him].

We talked, and I tried to gently find a way to tell him that he is
grasping for connections, desperately clinging to any bit of affection
and distraction he can get. He has recently admitted to himself that he is missing fulfillment and a human connection; he has people around him, and he cares for them and they for him, but he has realized that his needs have evolved and changed beyond what he is getting in his daily life.

Enter this girl. She gave him what he was so desperately craving: an external focus, someone to care for and who would hopefully return that affection. Sadly, it didn't work out...for reasons I don't think anyone will ever fully understand, she grew to dislike him, even as he grew more and more smitten [one theory: he was so attentive/needy and so focused on her that she couldn't handle it, and freaked out]. So now he is adrift; his daily life doesn't give him what he needs, and for a brief time he had something that he thought would fill that void...and it was taken away before it ever really started.

In an ideal world, he could take time to be totally on his own and get comfortable in his own skin...then hopefully he could see that he doesn't need fulfillment to come from external sources, that sharing life with someone is better when you aren't looking to them to rescue you or to "make you whole". Sadly, our world is far from perfect, and he has to keep slogging along day to day, while keeping up the mask and the front for the others close to him [who continue to make him feel guilty for having these feelings].

My fear is that he is now going to be seeking connections anywhere and everywhere, trying to fill this hole that he has only recently admitted was there. We all have needs and wishes and desires...the hope is that we can control them, rather than them controlling us. All I can do for him is lend him an ear and a shoulder, give him my love, and let him make his journey...he's spent so much time taking care of other people that he has no idea how to take care of himself.

I hope he can learn.

a favorite of mine

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-- by William Ernest Henley

unsteady

A weird morning. Woke up very groggy and disconnected...got the cats fed, sent a note and love to my dad, and when I tried to stand back up, I promptly wobbled and woozed and thunked back down on the couch. Lay still for a bit, then made my way to the bed and let the dizziness run its course. Sent an email to work letting them know I would be late...I know I drifted off a bit, because I remember dreaming [about being dizzy and not being able to drive...go fig].

Made it in to work around 10a...still a bit out of it, in that weird "fuzzy/distanced/not quite firing on all cylinders" way. Got some orange juice in me in case its the hypoglycemia...with luck, I'll be back to normal [or what passes for normal with me] soon.

malnourished

turn back the hands of time

Now you can have your very own Time Turner:

(image courtesy of amazon.com)

and so it begins

A friend told me he orders a venti no-water soy chai latte, extra hot, with one shot of espresso.

The game of "I can order a more complex beverage than you" has begun...

oh dear gods

This afternoon, I ordered a venti nonfat no-water chai latte with one pump of pumpkin syrup.

I've become one of the herd.

i crack me up

Controller, with invoice in hand: "Why aren't they charging us for screws on this order?"

Me: "Because if they charged for screws, it would be prostitution."

<ba-dum-bump KSSHHH!!>

weekend-end

And the weekend wrapped up nicely. Slept in a bit on Sunday, wandered about changing clocks, getting laundry done, showering. Got a call from a friend just as I was looking up movie times, asking if [hurrah for timing] I wanted to see "Bee Movie", so off we went for sushi and then the movie. It's a very different experience seeing a kid's movie with actual kids on either side of you...even better when one sits on your lap for half of it, so you can share the giggles and see what makes a youngling laugh. The movie was pretty good...enough to keep adults entertained, and the littles seemed to like it. I liked catching the Airborne patch on the sleeve of the "pollen jockey"...sent a smile and a thought to my Dad, he of the 101st Screaming Eagles.

Outside of that, things go fairly well. Still not enough sleep, lots of catching up to do there, but at least the coughing is letting up...there is hope. Now to get my head back into workaday mode and get something productive done.

<nose to grindstone>

please share my umbrella

A night of weird and very "scripted" dreams...you know the ones where they seem like they could have been a movie or an episode of a TV show? This one involved the universe deciding to set some things right and wake some people up. Odd things started happening: one person was forced to a decision by crossed phone lines only to find it was too late and they lost their best chance by waiting, another discovered a spare umbrella in their bag just in time to share it with a stranger on the corner [and thus started a long friendship and perhaps more], another found something precious that had gone missing and thus helped a person who despised them [thus showing that it was a one-way rivalry the entire time, forcing the second person to re-evaluate and grow].

It wasn't a Disney "everyone gets what they want" dream, but rather a Brothers Grimm "everyone gets what they *need*" tale. I wish I could remember more of it...

it's a small world after all

Behold the power of teh intrawebs. You write a blog entry about admiring a smart geeky wordsmith, and a few days later you get a Facebook friend invite from the man himself.

I heart technology.

best frend evre

An awesome night/morning/afternoon...a sleepover, movie watching ["Evan Almighty" with the kids, then "The Fountain" after they went to bed], talking, music, some sleep, having the kids to myself in the morning for a while. Leisurely breakfast, chilling, straightening up, making it out and about for bit [ah, blessed caffeine], then I headed home to feed the creatures and scrub myself.

This was a gift from one of the littles this morning:


Awesome-sauce.

yyyaaaaAAAAAaaawwwnnn

Another night of little sleep, home after midnight...and again, no
regrets. Have today off, which is nice...heading out in a bit for a
'whoo hoo, you escaped' lunch for a friend, then the day is mine to do
whatever I want [and I'm sure you wouldn't be surprised to know that
napping is high on that list right now <grin>].

long dark teatime of the soul

A long night, with zero hours of sleep [literally...got home around 7a, fed the cats, a quick shower, then off to work]. But I don't regret it, and I'd do it again in a heartbeat...very good time spent with a very good friend, sort of an existential slumber party. Life doesn't hand you those moments often, so they are worth grabbing...even if it means a day of, to quote a sage soul, "draggin' ass like a dog with hemorrhoids" [<snort> now *there's* a mental image that sticks with you].

Today is an all-hands company meeting...tradition is that all new hires in the past two weeks have to stand up, introduce themselves, say what they are working on, and one thing they've learned in their first days at Facebook. Weird, since I've technically been here for a few months, and it's not my normal mode of operation, to be honest...I'm not good at those 'rah rah' things. Going to be interesting when you add on sleep deprivation and a pensive mood...whoo boy. And I just realized that I'm wearing my Rob Zombie sweatshirt...rock on. :^)

Off to caffeinate and find some toothpicks to prop the eyes open...rah, rah, sis boom bahhhhhumbug.

math humour

sqrt(-1) says to e "Be rational!", and e answers "Get real!"

<snort>

[with thanks to todd]

heh

Excellent quote from one of the gazillion Facebook emails that went flying after the quake:

"The only aftermath I felt was the email thread."

<snort>

5.6

Whee!!

crushing on tyler

Watched "Wordplay" again, and can't help crushing on Tyler [just you shush about the age difference...it's a fantasy crush, it's fair game]. In his Trogdor t-shirt [long live the Burninator!], cranking through the puzzles, alternating between confident one moment and nervous/shy the next, smart, adorable smile, self-deprecating, funny, smart. He reminds me a lot of Steve, actually...

"i know what it's like...

...it's like when you fancy someone, and they don't even know you exist. That's what it's like."

<significant look shared between Martha and Captain Jack>

Captain Jack [to Martha]: "You too, huh?"

what a world

It isn't often that you get to loan $20 to a multi-millionaire who doesn't have any cash on him.

Even less often when you realize later that you will never see that $20 again.

Sheesh.

oooo, scary

"Pirates of Emerson" was a lot of fun...and quite frankly, kicked Gyro's 3-D ScreamFest's zombified ass for total experience. Gyro's was good, got the adrenaline pumping a lot, and had a lot of booga-booga, people-jumping-out-at-you, chains-smacked-against-walls moments, but it was rather haphazard and disorganized...we frequently didn't know which way to go, where the next turn was, and a few times accidentally walked through one of the many emergency exits to the outside, which tended to break the immersion and the mood. Surprising, considering it is touted as "the Bay Area's premier haunted house", and one of the three houses in it is designed by Rob Zombie.

"Pirates", on the other hand, was all about the immersion. Six different "haunted houses", ranging from very cool to slightly lame, but all with their appeal. Narrow passageways, different floor textures and varying degrees of unevenness, and one house had a very disorienting passage of very close air-filled walls that you had to push your way through in total darkness [I can't describe it sufficiently, but I found it interesting that the most psychologically challenging part of the whole thing was the one that was the simplest and the one that you couldn't see at all]. That and the walkway through the rotating tunnel [with 3-D glasses on, no less] were the two parts that made the biggest impression on our group tonight...definitely memorable.

One thing that Gyro's had over Pirates, hands down: the performers wandering the grounds. Somehow a buxom wench saying "'Ello, love...gi' us yer ticket, then" just doesn't inspire much fear, and while the costumes were good, the performers were just wandering, not really interacting much. Gyro's, however, gives you the creepy zombie guy who comes lunging at you with a running chainsaw, or the scary clown who slaps a quite-substantial metal chain against the wall just as you walk by, or the skeletal man in ragged clothing who runs past you screaming maniacally, waving a shovel...then as he gets past you, he flips the shovel over, puts the blade down against the pavement, jumps onto it, and surfs it for a few feet, spewing sparks behind him and making a horrendous screeching noise. Awesome.

Gyro's was about the people and lots of booga-booga moments, while Pirates was the more immersive experience with occasional booga-booga moments. Both good, but very different from each other...and both worth the money.

mute horror

Tonight is "Pirates of Emerson" with Jen 'n' Andre 'n' gang. I'm a haunted house junkie... :^)

i have no voice, yet i must scream

Heading down to San Jose in a few minutes to hit Gyro's 3-D Terror Festival of Horrors and Screams and Frights Galore [or something] with a friend from work. Shouldn't be going, sick, blah blah, but come on...how often do you get a chance to go to a frickin' *Rob Zombie* created haunted house??

the universe is laughing at me

That will teach me to taunt the universe. It saw that I was in my 'path less traveled, face the fear, take the shot' introspective mood, and it decided to call my bluff. Big time.

Facebook counter-offered.

One [big] difference: I would be working on fixed asset accounting, using my IT knowledge, retentivity, and familiarity with corporate-wide asset processes to help pull things together. I've been doing a lot of it for years; this would be making it official and my primary role. It is outside my comfort zone, but within my abilities...and the potential is worth the risk. The suckiest bit? Having to miss out on Atheros. They are the rockingest IT team and just plain excellent people, and I was really looking forward to joining them. Sigh. No reward without some compromise, I guess.

So this is me...practicing what I preach, taking a leap of faith, changing my path, taking a chance, taking the detour, trying something new.

<holds her breath and plunges in>

a cool phone number

Round Table in Mountain View: 961-0361

[hint: think square]

[[yeah, I'm a dork]]

happy birthday, sister of mine!

Happy birthday to my favorite sister...love you!

wheeze

Frakkin' sick again. Very wheezy, fever of 102, throat is swollen nearly shut. It's been threatening to come on for about a week or so now, but I was hoping I'd beaten it...guess not. Been a rough few months for Stacey's bronchial passages...sheesh. But hey, maybe I'll get lucky and skip Minnie Mouse and go straight into Kathleen Turner this time [though with my luck, I'll end up in Bea Arthur Land again].

[And a really gross observation: don't you hate when you cough and are left with that phlegmy aftertaste? Blech.]

secrets

An incredibly powerful site:

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

teh r0xx0r!!!11!!!

http://www.boingboing.net/2007/10/21/ninjas-attack-richar.html

i *so* want to see this movie

Baaa!!!

http://www.blacksheep-themovie.com/

to sleep, perchance

Another late night [early morning?], but I'm not complaining. Dinner at my favorite cheap sushi place with Lawrence [a table full of bento, edamame, sushi, tea, and salad, all for under $40...r0xx0r], a walk down to Starbucks for some chai [new trick learned: order it "no water"], then back to my place to kick back, sip chai, talk, watch "The Invisible", then more talking for two or three hours about anything, everything, and nothing. Maybe not quite as exciting as last night, but just as enjoyable.

Tomorrow [today] is breakfast with Anne...looking forward to catching up with her. It's been a while, and we both have stories to share about recent life events. After that, I'm not really sure. Watching more "Weeds" [thanks, moviestar!], reading more graphic novels [just re-read "V for Vendetta" [thanks, Sean!] and have volume 2 of "Grimm Fairy Tales" waiting], maybe see a movie, go geocaching, nap, walk, drive...basically play it by ear.

Exactly what a weekend should be... <contented sigh>

this was *totally* my morning

Grumble. Didn't crawl into bed until 3a or so, and frickin' Bean decides she's dying of starvation and simply MUST be fed RIGHT NOW at murfleburfing 6:30am.

How utterly appropriate that CuteOverload posted this for Caturday morning:


I'm going back to bed...

wow.

http://www.mediastorm.org/0014.htm

awesome-sauce

To Bay Meadows with S and L to see Tainted Love, ended up doing more hanging out in the stands and talking than rocking to the 80s. Crowd was rowdy, wasn't as much fun as the concerts normally are, place was packed and hot, so we stood in line for-frickin-EVER to get some pizza, snagged a tray to carry everything, then headed outside. Even with the drizzle, it was an excellent evening...we bet on a few races, Susy won big on the last race, I won my money back, and [just for you Andre!] I went inside to rock out to "Pour Some Sugar On Me". Then the place closed up around 11p, and we weren't willing to call it a night yet...so we throw out some suggestions, and one of us [not sure which] jokingly suggests a strip club.

Silence. Thoughtful silence. Then agreement from all parties.

So away go two gals and a guy to hit the Kit Kat Club. A *major* disappointment...$20 each to get in, no atmosphere, no energy, no vibe, just bored-looking girls shilling for every dollar, trying to get us to invest in a private table dance [and ignoring us completely if we said "not yet"]. We stayed for a while to try to make it worth the $60 plus sodas, then head out...

...to the Brass Rail. And proceed to have a EXCELLENT time. The vibe was awesome, the Tokyo Teas were tasty, the crowd watching was intriguing, the girls were real and interactive and possessing of booties that were frickin' hypnotic. Susy and I got in free, and it was only $5 for our male fellow guy-type person friend to get in. Bonus.

Many smiles, laughs, jokes, shakings-of-head-in-disbelief-and-utter-admiration <deep breath> -and-fascination-that-a-body-part-could-bounce-like-that, and many, many dollar bills later, we close down the Rail and head back to my place. Susy heads home, L and I hang for a bit and chat, then away he goes into the night, hopefully to sleep in.

And that is where I end my tale...hopefully to sleep. Thanks, youse guys. I had an excellent time...

leap of faith

I mourn the times I didn't jump
Regret cold fear that stayed my hand
Rue the path I didn't take
Tsk the times I over-planned

For I have found the moments best
Were those that came as pure surprise
When I allowed the hand of fate
To guide me forth with open eyes

Eyes that saw a chance to leap
Though the head would argue no
The heart said yes and so I jumped
Onto that unknown path I'd go

Not always good but always forth
At least I knew that I had done
Something to fight against the fear
That for the moment I had won

So come the next fork in the road
Diversion, barricade, or bump
I shall think upon the times
That I had mourned I didn't jump

half a bottle of wine later...

doo bee doo bee dooooo....

wheeeee!!!!

the paralysis of choice

It's an awkward fact of life that having too many choices can be far more inhibiting and paralyzing than having limited choices. When there is only one road to take, we have no option but to keep on it...but when faced with multiple paths, the woulda/coulda/shoulda/yeah-but/what-ifs can be overwhelming, locking up the system and grinding the gears. We end up choosing by not choosing, continuing with the status quo, one foot in front of the other. This also means that it is much easier [and very much a part of human nature] to convince ourselves that we have no choice, that we are helpless and at the whim of fate, circumstances, the past, the present, the tides, the constellations, the gods, the neighbor next door, anything and everything that helps us cope with what life is for us right now.

You see, the trouble with admitting to yourself that you have choices and paths and options is that once you do, you then have to act. The blinders are off, you can't pretend to yourself, and you are now faced with the fact that the reason you are still in that position is that, for whatever reasons, you are *choosing* to be there. Granted there are things that are entirely out of our control, things like weather, some health issues, other people, the price of oil, that barking dog down the street...but there is much more that is within our ability to influence than we are comfortable acknowledging.

One thing I am working on is being aware of when I am "choosing not to choose". I'm taking the uncertainty out of the hands of fate and putting it into my own, simply by acknowledging that I'm not ready to broach that paralysis yet and start off on another path. It gives me control of the situation, and gives me time to think it through, work it out, and truly own it, without feeling as windblown and lost at sea. Nothing has changed except how I perceive the situation, but that is a fundamental and empowering perception...and when the time is right, and things fall into place, I can make a better decision. This in turn gives me the additional freedom of knowing that no matter what path I choose, I can always adjust and correct it...which breaks the cycle of "if I choose the wrong path, I will be miserable forever, so better not to choose at all, but I'm unhappy now, but I can't do anything about it because if I choose the wrong path, I'll be miserable forever..."

So yes, too many choices can be intimidating and terrifying...but I prefer facing that fear, rather than feeling that I have no options at all. At least with choices, I have hope...

and the answer is...

...Atheros. I start the first week of November. w00t.

not a good start

Verily, it is a Monday. My dryer is dead...damp clothes hanging all about. My voice is going [again, damn it], and I'm wheezing and coughing.

Humph harrumph garrumph.

jamaican a pig of yourself, stacey

[har har har]

Some yummy Caribbean food with Ro[d/y] at Mango Caribbean tonight...good conversation, good food, good drinks [mango mojito...mmmmm], nice walk after. And a bonus: leftovers in my fridge, just waiting for the BuddhaBelly to subside before being enjoyed.

Happy early birthday, moviestar...

poor ianto...

Man, Torchwood is intense. Doctor Who for grown-ups...wow.

connecting

A really good evening, full of connections...old friends, new friends, people much missed. A going-away/congrats-on-the-new-job gathering for a friend [yay!! congrats!!], some incredibly lively conversation with a fun mix of folks [that I *so* need to go out with again], a nice surprise connection from another much-missed friend, and the evening ending with my belly aching from laughing so much.

Good times....

pretty

Rainbow.

and the decision is made

Informing the interested parties now...more soon.

nearing a resolution

More talking with Atheros, conference call with director and manager; also talked with Facebook helpdesk manager. Decision time coming very soon...

i have the coolest friends

Wearing a rockin' rhinestone skull t-shirt today, courtesy of Susy. Coolness.

'vicar of dibley' is back!

w00t! KTEH is showing 'Vicar of Dibley' again...I loves me the BritComs. Hurrah!

international comfort

I love when Cost Plus brings out their international holiday treats...I can get my German goodies (lebkuchen, pfefferneusse) and my British yummies (Penguins, McVitties, Walker's). Some of them are here year-round, but the selection, freshness, and nostalgia are better at this time of year.

Soon will come the real German advent calendars [little windows for every day in December until Christmas, with chocolate treats hiding behind each one]...can't wait.

time to crawl into bed

Just got home...ye gods, what a night. So much fun...dinner at Pyramid Brewery, the pre-show festivities [glam up your own Hed-Head [cardboard "wig" that looks like Hedwig's signature wig], throw gummi bears through Hedwig's open mouth to win prizes [I was the first to make it! Yay me!], get your picture taken as Yitzhak, play lyric trivia, get your t-shirt], the show itself, and the aftershow party at Badlands [whoo boy, the stories we have to tell about that...fondling Lori's chest and admiring her nipples [and getting her phone number], dancing our hinders off, drinking some mighty tasty "Starbursts"]. A very, very, very [repeating] fun evening...definitely worth driving 4+ hours and 250 miles for.

I'll try to write more later...right now, I need to wind down and get some sleep. Something tells me tomorrow [today] is pretty much shot... :^)

Thank you, Susy...

live version of "origin of love"

I liked this so much that I had to give it its own post and embed it. I was lucky enough to see John Cameron Mitchell live at a Hedwig Christmas show at the Castro Theatre in San Francisco one year...he was on stage, talking to us, reading to us, and after a lot of festivities, he screened the movie. He has a very compelling and personable presence, which comes through in this clip...

much needed

Got to spend time with a very dear friend tonight...she came up my way after work, we had some extremely yummy pizza at Patxi's, then wandered University, got some coffee, sat, chatted, caught up with each other and basically relaxed. I love this woman...I can just relax and be myself with her, don't have to censor or wear a mask. She delivered the coolest shirt that another friend brought back from Cabo for me: a pirate skull and crossbones, demanding you surrender the booty. My friends know me so well... :^)

Tomorrow is heading to Sacramento to see a "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" stage show with Susy. It will be the second time we've seen it together [my third time], and I am really excited about it. It's a unique story, very sweet and powerful and strange and tender and funny, with really good music ["Origin of Love" is one of my favorites]. Seeing it live is amazing...not as much detail as the movie, but much more immediate and personal. Can't wait...

"And when you've got no other choice, you know you can follow my voice..."

i lost the game

Just following rule 3...

dead on

http://briankim.net/blog/2007/10/top-5-things-every-extrovert-should-know-about-introverts/

thursday, october 4th, 1984, 7:47am

All in all, I was [am] a pretty fortunate person.

why apropos?

Funny how song lyrics jump out at you. The one I quoted earlier today, from "Solsbury Hill", hit me hard on the way in to work this morning, dredging up years-old memories. This week is always a hard one for me...coming up in a few days will be the 23rd anniversary of when Greg and I first started dating [gods, how the time flies]. It's a bittersweet, introspective time...I celebrate the years we had, mourn how it ended, am thankful for how I came through it all, and am hopeful about the future.

It took me too many long, painful months to finally "cut the connection" with Greg. I held on too tightly for too long, but it was all I ever knew, and I was terrified to face the world alone. Who would love someone like me? What did I have to offer? If a guy who knew me so well didn't want to be with me anymore, what did that say about me? How could he say I was so important to him, yet turn his back? How the hell would I start dating [for the first time, really] at age thirty-one?? Who was I when I wasn't being someone for somebody else?

Finally I saw past the fear and was able to realize that hanging on to him and to the life we had wasn't worth the pain, distrust, uncertainty; the cost to my soul was too high. The foundation was gone...nothing left to build on. I never really blamed him [though I desperately wanted to]...people change, and we happened to change in ways that no longer meshed. Oh, it hurt, don't get me wrong...but looking back, I realize that it would have been worse for me to stay.

And I've been fortunate. I've found friends who love me, people who were partners and shared the paths with me for a while, even realized that there are such things as soulmates out there. I've learned a lot about myself [and still learning], and grew to like the person I was becoming. October 4th will still bring melancholy moments, but in an odd way, I treasure those as well...there were many good times, and just because they ended, they don't stop being good. I'll always have those memories to smile about, and the entire experience helped create who I am today.

So when a song, a scent, a sight triggers those emotions, I sit back, let them roll over me, and pay homage to times past, present, and future...

flattering

More compliments on the work I'm doing here at Facebook, plus appreciation of my IT knowledge [as it relates to the project] and skills [as the "clandestine IT person" for the Finance team :^) ].

<tail wags happily>

apropros

"So I went from day to day
Tho' my life was in a rut
"Till I thought of what I'd say
Which connection I should cut

I was feeling part of the scenery
I walked right out of the machinery
My heart going boom boom boom."

[And a quote from Peter Gabriel about one meaning of the song: "It's about being prepared to lose what you have for what you might get, or what you are for what you might be. It's about letting go."]

word of mouth

A few weeks ago, someone posted to the Facebook 'social' list, asking for recommendations for a cleaning service. I replied and sang the praises of The Maids [licensed, bonded, *and* insured; if you don't like the job they did, they'll come out the next day to fix it; they can do your laundry and change your linens; all the good stuff you expect, plus you get to come home to the paper towels and toilet paper folded into happy little triangles :^) ].

Turns out a few folks contacted them...I got a nice call from Claudia at The Maids thanking me for the referrals, and giving me a discount off my next cleaning. Very cool...very smart.

one more time...

Another meeting at Atheros this Wednesday afternoon...this time with boss-of-[potential]boss.

today's science lesson: metal conducts heat

Hair dryer + circular barbell in ear cartilage = YIPE!!

half price is a good thing

The site I order some of my body sprays from [http://www.azaftigwoman.com] is having a half-off sale. Time to stock up on vanilla musk and vanilla nutmeg, and try some new scents [thinking creme brulee, green apple, and chai tea]. It's a dangerous site...candles, lotions, perfumes, body sprays, all in not-your-typical scents. Me gusta.

these are awesome

Want.

http://www.perpetualkid.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=2293

my new jewelry

Pics of the ring I had made...

(click to see bigger)

speaking of new worlds

Found two large pieces of the Berlin Wall whilst out geocaching today...who knew??

tricorder readings are nominal, captain

Out geocaching today, and cracked myself up when I realized I was essentially a Star Trek landing party: get the readings, circle in to the specific spot, try not to attract too much attention, explore strange new worlds, avoid the alien muggles, observe the area and civilization around me, all while holding a bit of technology out in front of me, scanning the area. I literally laughed out loud [LLOL] when I had to reset my compass, which had me turning slowly in circles, the GPSr in front of me, looking for all the world like a redshirt with a tricorder, scanning the territory for hostile aliens [luckily I made it to the end of the episode, unlike most redshirts].

From now on, I'm not going caching...I'm going startrekking. :^)

floaty

Three Kier Royales later...

sentimental street

Found it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z03Zcq_l_ag

Memories...I saw their "7 Wishes" tour, umpteen years ago, in a different life.

[Giggling at Kelly's outfit...]

memory-go-round

One of my favorite Night Ranger songs [along with "Sentimental Street"...looking for that one now].

a peaceful day

Didn't sleep much last night, but made up for it with a very peaceful day. Got up early to feed the cat, sat with both of them as I read for a while, then got some small things done around the house. Wandered back into bed and read some more; was joined by both cats [one curled up on my chest/arm, the other behind my knees]. As cat owners know, this is a most powerful soporific...who am I to flaunt the wills of the feline overlords?? So yes, a nap ensued, most comfy and comforted. Up a bit later, more small things done, then into the shower...nice, long, gingerbread-scented one, big floofy towel. Been busy working on taking care of some inner conflicts and soothing the heart/mind, and today helped with some body/physical pampering.

Tonight is still up in the air: could be dinner out and a book, with some nice alone time; could be checking in on a sick friend; could be working in a bit of geocaching; could be curling up with some wine, candles, and a movie; could be going out to celebrate a friend-of-a-friend's birthday; or could be nothing at all, giving in to mindless telly and a Lean Cuisine microwave dinner. Any and all have their appeal...

cats just don't understand "weekend"

They still want fed at 6:30 in the morning on Saturdays. Harrumph.

okay, this is better

I'll take any of the three, please. Or all. I'm not picky.

for the love of god, get it out of my head

(by the way, the ugly aspect ratio isn't my fault)

mmm, pizza

Went to do the Palo Alto Moonlight Walk/Run with MyFriendJen tonight...we've done it for the past few years, but this year we just weren't feeling it. Tired, stressed out, it was sprinkling/spitting/raining...meh. We wandered the sponsor tables and got freebies, then headed back to the car and hit Amici's. Pizza, beer, giggles, catching up on our lives, throwing mushrooms at each other, then wandering down to Starbucks for chai and hanging out. Very good time, very much needed.

Tomorrow's primary order of business: sleeping in (if the feline roommates permit it).

eye yai yai...

Chatting online with a friend today when they said "got to go, something's wrong...Emanoel [a former co-worker, I just saw him on Wednesday, in fact] is lying on the floor, on the phone with a nurse." The last I heard, he was being driven to the hospital with a possible detached retina. Hoping everything is okay...sending hopeful vibes his way.

time passes

Ten years ago today was the last time I saw my dear friend Todd. Though we live on opposite coasts, we still keep in touch almost daily...an IM here, an email there, a shared URL or video. He's been a part of my life for sixteen years now, and we've seen each other through all kinds of "interesting" life situations, good, bad, and indifferent. We are definitely not the same people we were back then, and it's been quite the journey for both of us.

Hugs and love, old friend...

make it so...

Twenty years ago today, the first episode of "Star Trek: TNG" aired.

good news for my friend

It's not strep. He's still very sick, very feverish, and pretty much death warmed over [the doctor has told him he needs to quarantine himself for a while], but at least it's not strep.

Feel better, dude. Get much rest 'n' shit... <grin>

ponderings from the past

Just found this one on a private journal I was keeping...it was dated September 2006, long before things like Code Green, going to Vegas with my parents, saying goodbye to Jim, random bits of family drama, bronchitis, sick cats [heck, it was before I even adopted Bean]. I find it just as relevant now as it was a year ago...though I'm not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.

<--begin inserted text-->

September 3rd, 2006

I dreamt I was given a choice: forty more years of life as it is right now in this moment, status quo, or two years only, to be filled with joy, love, companionship, confidence, contentment, all guaranteed. A choice between existing and *living*.

And then I awoke. And thought. And pondered. And told myself that I didn't need some nebulous, dreamworld "they" to give me a chance to live, and certainly didn't need "them" to limit it to two years. I can live now, this moment. Go, travel, be, do. Live, love, laugh.

Then reality sank in. It's not that easy. Life is a struggle. It takes money to "go, travel, be, do". To have money, you need a job. But once you have a job, your time is limited, and it's harder to travel and go and do. So you quit the job. And for a while, you are free. Your time is your own, and you are living. But then you worry...you can't go *there* because it costs too much. You can't do *that* because it will eat into your savings. You find yourself doing less, living less, in order to conserve dwindling supplies of cash.

And companionship is hard to find, harder to maintain. That one is too needy too soon. That one has too much history, too much baggage. This one is too self-focused, that one is too far away, and the other one is just too different. You find yourself compromising more and more, just to have someone to spend the time with. Then you pay more of that too-important money to someone who helps you realize that the compromise has to be a mutual venture, and if it isn't, then it's not healthy and you need to move on. But that means that you find yourself alone more than you'd like, and wondering if it's all worth it. "Trust me," says the person-you-are-paying, "it's worth it. When you find it, or it finds you, it will all be worth it. And you'll be doing it on your terms, and their terms, and it will be happy and healthy and wonderful."

Intellectually, you agree. Absolutely, you say. Darn tootin'. And for a while, you feel better, knowing that you are improving yourself, becoming healthier. But time passes, you look around, and you see that others have somebody and you don't. Yeah, sure, that one has somebody because they *always* have somebody...they haven't been without somebody for more than six months at a time. Good for *you*...you aren't with someone just to fill a void. They don't know if they can truly be alone, while you've faced that demon and come through it, knowing you are okay with being alone. But damn it, is it worth it? Is this enlightened self-knowledge really worth it? Ignorance can really be bliss sometimes...trouble is, you can't go back.

So given the choice of forty more years of self-knowledge and the possibility of something better being around the corner, or only two years of living, really living, guaranteed...which would you choose? Take the chance and play the odds of time, or take the sure thing and live those two years for all they were worth?

Not an easy choice...

<--end inserted text-->

oh no...

The friend that I spent all yesterday evening with, from 5pm to 11pm? Yeah...he has strep throat.

Joy.

a very cool pattern

I love the pattern of my walk from the parking garage to work right now. The timing is just right from when I go through the light on Bryant across University, turn into the garage, wind my way up to the fourth floor, park, make my way to the staircase, walk down four floors, down onto the street and head towards University...somehow it all clicks together and I get the walk light on University crossing Bryant. The streak continues as I make my way towards Facebook...my pace seems just right to hit the walk light at every intersection.

Too frickin' cool... :^)

worth fighting for

One of the land mines that was installed during "the dark days" with Greg was a need to have someone in my life that found me worth fighting for. More specifically, someone that followed through when they *said* I was worth fighting for and they wanted me as a part of their lives. The hypocrisy and manipulation were the parts I struggled with...telling me what a priority I was, that they loved me and couldn't picture their lives without me, that I was important to them, only to have their actions not match their words. It has happened three times in my adult life, with my heart invested in each person, only to find that the words were just there to keep me on deck, to keep them from having to truly face the situation and their feelings, to keep their own status quo, and to keep them from having to choose to either make it work or to let me go. Limbo is an unhappy place, especially when it is forced upon you from outside.

With the help of time, introspection, and some outside assistance [thank you, DrBob], I am slowly and painfully learning to recognize when the words are just words, to distance myself and open my eyes to *actions* and the truth that is shown through them. It hurts like hell, because we all want and need to believe that we are important to others; that's what makes it so easy to want to trust the words and not look any deeper. But being played with hurts more in the long run, and is far more damaging to your self-worth and confidence; taking control of your own life and getting yourself out of limbo is hard, but necessary if you want to grow and survive.

This all ties in to the 'reexamine where your energies are going' vibe that I am forcing onto myself currently...look at actions, look at the people who genuinely give and make room for you in their lives, and you'll find the people who are worth keeping room for in your heart. That objectiveness is hard to come by, hard to achieve, and harder to hold on to, because the things you see at that distance are not ones that are easy to look at under the bright light of scrutiny. The trick is learning not to squint...

[But damn it, one of these days there will be someone who feels for me what I feel for them, someone who truly means it when they say they want me in their lives and is willing to follow through and team up with me to make it through these limited days we have on this planet. Mind you, I'm not holding my breath or pining pitifully for that mystery person...the good news is that I am okay being alone, and I like myself and who I am. So while being lonely may suck, and people playing with your heart can hurt like hell, I don't have to compromise my principles or myself just to have someone there when I come home at night. I *want* someone to share the moments with...but I don't *need* someone to be whole. And that is a lesson that was very hard won...]

shit

Big-ass brain monkeys. Drifted off to sleep for a bit, then woke up crying. Can't remember the dream [mercifully, I think], but it left me unsettled. Apparently my head/heart/subconscious have some things they need to work out...

Going to be a rough day at work tomorrow [today]...mask is ready, cue Mr. Roarke: "Smiles, everyone, smiles!!"

so far, so good

The lunch was a lot of fun...the team is awesome, I felt really comfortable with them, and the camaraderie they have is quite obvious. Made me feel really good when they started saying things like "when you start, we'll <blah>" and [to the manager] "will you just hire her already??" My "propaganda pack" [resume, samples of docs/procedures/forms I've pulled together in previous jobs, a choice quote that a previous manager made about me, my "geek for hire" business cards] made a good impression, which was nice to hear. It also made me feel good that I was able to contribute to work-related conversation, and that I could talk to the helpdesk folks, the server guy, and the Linux guy and be comfortable with the varied and various threads. Got a call from the corporate recruiter later in the evening; we are going to talk more tomorrow about benefits, corporate culture, and the like...I'm taking that as a good sign. :^)

Since I was right across the street for lunch, I headed over to Code Green and met up with some of the old gang. Good gods, it was nice seeing them...I've missed them, and don't get to see them near enough. For being there a short time and for the company not being a good fit, I made some really good friends, ones that are worth hanging on to.

Met Lawrence after work, grabbing dinner with him and his kids, catching up, hanging out. Played "zombie" with the incredibly-energetic young ones...they "buried" me with pillows and cushions, then I climbed out of my "grave" as a zombie and chased them around [I was the dreaded "tickling zombie"...mu ha haa haaaa!!!!]. Finally dragged my butt home about 11pm or so, fed the cat, got some stuff done, and am now trying to calm the brain down enough to get some sleep.

[An aside: It's funny...just as I have realized [or allowed myself to realize] that I need to take a look at the relationships in my life and start closing some doors, to make the tough decision not to cling to the ones that I put more into than I get out, some really good friends pop back into view. It makes me appreciate them that much more for their rarity, and hopefully knowing they are there will help make it a little easier when I finally do get the courage and energy to move on from those acquaintances that are just too much pain, drain, or strain to really be good for me.

The hardest part is that all the people around me are good people...but I deserve people in my life that can give *and* take, people for whom I can be there and who can be there for me when we need each other, not just when convenient. I'm damn lucky to have more than one of those true friends...

...and I'm glad I've got them.]

again with the luck wishes, please

The interviewing continues...second round tomorrow, meeting the rest of the IT team. Should be a fun time...it's a lunch gathering at Mexicali Grill [mmmm, enchiladas mariscos]. Wish me luck!

brain monkeys

Lying here with two sleeping cats and a wide-awake brain, listening to mp3s (just played: Saw Doctors, "Share the Darkness"; now playing: Icehouse, "Great Southern Land") and playing solitaire on my phone.

On the plus side, I've still got three hours to get some sleep. On the negative side, I've only got three hours to get some sleep...

(Now playing: Weird Al Yankovic, "You're Pitiful")

wtf??

Target has Christmas stuff out already.

a moment of...

Marcel Marceau has died at age 84. I can't help wondering...do you have a moment of cacophony to show respect when a mime dies?

the best laid plans

Last night didn't quite go as planned, but ended up being a good time. Susy and I made it to the city with no problem [navigating with my GPS...fun!]. It took us about 20 minutes to park [typical for SF], but we ended up with a good spot. Make our way to the club to see a huge line of people waiting for tickets.

Whoops.

We get in line and decide to take our chances, chatting, catching up, laughing, snickering at the whiny girls behind us, passing the time. Got a surprise when Rod showed up unexpectedly [wasn't until I got home that I saw he had sent me a text message saying he was coming...that will teach me to leave my phone behind :^) ]. We hung out, talked about movies [see "Shoot 'Em Up"!], moved a few feet, chatted some more, moved a few feet more, made it around the corner, box office in sight...

...and heard the door guy telling us that the show was now sold out. Whoops again.

But we rolled with it, walked down Columbus to find a place to eat that didn't require an hour wait. Walked past Cobb's Comedy Club, saw that we'd missed the first show by 20 minutes, but the next show was at 10:15p. Asked the woman at the door if we should buy tickets now, she said not to worry...go eat first, come back, no problems. So away we walked, looking for sustenance.

We ended up at a place that I can't remember the name of [Susy? Moviestar? Do you remember?]. They had good food at surprisingly decent prices, with immediate seating [they only accepted cash, so we figure that had something to do with the lack of a waiting list]. Some pretty good bread, wine, and extremely yummy spaghetti carbonara later [mmmm....], we headed back towards Cobb's, take-out container in hand. Walking, chatting, people watching...Rod jokingly says, "Umm, what if the comedy club is sold out?" We laugh, keep walking, and then Susy very nonchalantly says, "Uh, guys, take a look in front of us..."

Yup. Big-ass line wrapping around the corner from the comedy club. We laughed our hinders off, got in line, and thought it would actually be frickin' hilarious if *this* one was sold out too. Didn't have to worry...Rod headed up and got tickets while we held our space, and we ended up with pretty good seats right in the middle...not too close, not too far back.

The show was pretty good: host was Steve Schirripa [Bobby from the Sopranos], there was the obligatory dumbass in the back, a very funny female comedian who smacked the dumbass down quite handily, an amusing local guy, a not-quite-as-amusing-but-had-his-moments other guy. SteveTheHost [aka TheGuyFromTheSopranos] showed hilarious videos between performers called "Steve the Judgmental Bastard", where he would walk the streets of New York and make predictions about someone walking towards him ["She's single, she has a tattoo, and she's had sex this weekend."]. He then interviewed the person to see how close he got. The best part was seeing him crack himself up...some of the answers he got were quite funny, and he was genuinely enjoying himself.

So a good time was had, in spite of the evening going nothing like we had planned. Good weather, good food, good company...can't ask for much more.

rock you like a hurricane

A good few days. The interview was a lot of fun; I go back for a second round to meet the team this coming week. Talked with IT at Facebook, submitted my resume there; got a very nice compliment from a co-worker. Chatted online with my nephew, which was awesome. Caught up with a friend last night, ended up talking on the phone for over four hours [!!]...talked about anything, everything, work, life, how his knee is healing, loneliness versus being alone, movies, music, phrases that sneak into your lexicon at the end of the day when you don't want them to 'n' shit, traded URLs and hilarious pics, talked about gods know what else.

Got to chat online with my Dad this morning, which is a wonderful thing [even if he won't give me any career advice]. Today is going to be getting out and about [ootnaboot] and enjoying the grey, rainy weather [happyhappyhappy!], then up to TheCity(tm) with TheSusy(c) to see Tainted Love [yes, again. shush. it's fun. wanna go?? meet us at Bimbo's 365 Club, doors are at 8p, show is at 9p...be sure to flip your polo collar up, baby! tonight we're going to party like it's 1999!!!].

yay!

And lightning! Cool!!

rrruuuuUUUMMMMmmmmbbblle

Thunder. Glee!!

pretending

comfortableness

Bunny feet pajamas, raspberry cocoa, warm blanket, a book...not a bad way to spend an evening.

wish me luck

Interview tomorrow. Propaganda packs all pulled together, "Stacey Gladman: Geek for Hire" cards printed, directions printed out, "See you tomorrow" email sent [and acknowledged], page of references typed up [thanks, you guys!!]. Crossing my fingers...I really like the vibe so far, and the job sounds like exactly what I'm looking for.

in honor of the day

Wearing my "Pirate Princess" shirt [skulls with crowns and scepters], skull bracelets, skull earrings, and to top it all off, the skull pendant my dad gave me [complete with peridot gems in the eye sockets].

Yaarrrrr!!!!

arrrrr!!

Today be talk like a pirrrrate day!! Aaarrrrrr!!!

i love the bay area

There is a severe weather alert for the middle to end of this week. Because it might rain.

Seriously. See?

...LATE SUMMER RAINFALL POSSIBLE DURING THE SECOND HALF OF THE WEEK...

AUTUMN DOES NOT OFFICIALLY BEGIN UNTIL SUNDAY MORNING. DURING THE REMAINING DAYS OF SUMMER AN UNSEASONABLY STRONG WEATHER SYSTEM ORIGINATING IN WESTERN CANADA WILL PRODUCE WEATHER CONDITIONS ACROSS THE SAN FRANCISCO AND MONTEREY BAY AREAS THAT WILL BE MORE TYPICAL OF LATE FALL THAN LATE SUMMER.

A DEEP UPPER LEVEL LOW PRESSURE SYSTEM IS FORECAST TO MOVE SOUTH INTO NORTHERN CALIFORNIA ON WEDNESDAY. GUSTY WEST TO NORTHWEST WINDS WILL DEVELOP ON WEDNESDAY AND TEMPERATURES WILL COOL TO LEVELS WELL BELOW NORMAL...ESPECIALLY ACROSS INLAND AREAS. THIS WEATHER SYSTEM IS EXPECTED TO BE RATHER DRY...BUT THERE IS A CHANCE THAT SHOWERS AND ISOLATED THUNDERSTORMS WILL DEVELOP IN THE NORTH BAY LATE ON WEDNESDAY. BY WEDNESDAY NIGHT...SHOWER AND THUNDERSTORM CHANCES WILL SPREAD SOUTH THROUGH THE REMAINDER OF THE SAN FRANCISCO BAY AREA AND INTO THE MONTEREY BAY AREA. BRISK WESTERLY WINDS WILL CONTINUE ON WEDNESDAY NIGHT.

THE LOW WILL CONTINUE TO MOVE SOUTH AND BY THURSDAY AND FRIDAY RAIN CHANCES WILL BE HIGHEST OVER THE SOUTHERN PORTION OF OUR FORECAST AREA. COOLER THAN NORMAL WEATHER WILL CONTINUE ACROSS THE ENTIRE REGION. THE WEATHER SYSTEM IS FORECAST TO MOVE OFF TO THE EAST BY SATURDAY AND TEMPERATURES WILL BEGIN TO WARM OVER THE UPCOMING WEEKEND.

letting go

A few years ago, I had to make the tough decision to let a twenty-plus year friendship go. It was incredibly hard; I agonized about it for far too long, and needed some help to work it out and figure out why I was so conflicted. I finally came to the realization that I was clinging to the ideal of what the friendship was, and glossing over the less-beneficial aspects of it. Long story short, I was putting more into it than I was getting out of it.

It was an important lesson to learn, and it's one that has been on my mind these past few months. I am realizing that I need to take inventory of my life, my relationships, my priorities...distance myself from them for a bit, look at them as objectively as I can, see if the reality measures up to the dream. Nothing drastic or dramatic; just figuring out what my priorities are and try to keep from pouring myself into buckets that are bigger than they should be. Time to pull back, reset my own expectations and limits, focus on what matters to me. It's not going to be easy, and it's not going to be quick, but it needs to be done.

To quote a sage: "You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run."

whoo hoo!

Pumpkin spice lattes are back...yum.

speaking of cats...

Bean is doing better. The problem: hairballs, which caused a bit of constipation [glamorous, no?]. Seems like the warm weather of the past month made her shed more; and since she has lost weight and is getting a bit more limber, she can clean herself better. Combine the two, and tah-dah! Hairballs!

Ah, the glamorous world of cats...

sitting on cats

Spent the weekend cat-sitting for a friend while she was off getting married [congrats!!]. A nice weekend...time with her cats, relaxing in her back yard, wandering over to the Santa Clara Art & Wine Festival. Today was productive, getting laundry done, grocery shopping, straightening up.

Kicking back for a bit with a book...it's a perfect afternoon for it.

and the hilarity continues

Go to http://josgrain.com/ and spend some time going through the links. Humour abounds.

frickin' hilarious

Iggy Pop's concert rider, written by his roadie Jos Grain...too effing funny:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/backstagetour/iggypop/iggypop1.html

Well worth the 18-page read...

rude awakening

Woke up to Bean licking my nose with her sandpaper tongue...

a wish fulfilled

For years, I have wanted to have a ring made for myself...a simple silver ring with "life is short" engraved on it. I wanted it as a reminder of how fleeting life is, to make the most of the moments you have, to find contentment where you can and make it happen if you don't have it. Another interpretation that I like is that everything changes, everything ends...good things can end, so cherish them, and bad things end too, so have faith in yourself and you'll come through the other side.

This weekend, I found an artist at the Mountain View Art & Wine Festival that makes custom rings, and I finally made it happen. With big thanks to Janet Wight of "Jewelry for the Soul" [http://www.jewelryforthesoul.com], I now have a very awesome silver band with "...life is short..." on the outside, and "be content" on the inside [see my earlier blog entry for why that is meaningful to me].

I'll try to get a picture that does justice to it. In the meantime, check out Janet's site...the fortune necklaces are especially cool.

[Update: She is going to be at the Santa Clara Art & Wine Festival this weekend.]

[Update^2: Finally got the pics posted!]

over-the-top awesomeness

"Shoot 'Em Up" kicked ass. A violent, humorous, way over-the-top, dark, non-stop, not-for-everyone 80-minute thrill ride. And Clive Owen is awesome-sauce.

I will never look at organic carrots the same way again.

ways in which stacey is a freak [part 3 in an infinite series]

She eschews chick flicks and sees "Shoot 'Em Up" instead.

bean watch, day 2

She seems a bit better...she's acting more like her normal self, walking better, falling down less. She's eating well, used the litter pan [though not easily, which is why I'm concerned]. Keeping an eye on her, vet's number is right on hand just in case...

vroom!

New battery did the trick, though going to be cautious for a few days to be sure that there wasn't an underlying issue that contributed to the battery troubles. Can't say enough about East Bay MINI in Pleasanton...great folks, took good care of me, and best of all, their parts and service department is open on Saturday. Halle-frickin-lujah.

A very cool thing: got a call from my friend Susy this afternoon while I was in the middle of everything...she had seen the blog entries, and called to see how everything was going and to offer one of their cars if I needed it. Got text messages and email from a couple other friends, checking in and sending sympathies. You know, just when I am getting frustrated and start swearing at the universe, I get these little smacks upside the head reminding me that I have got some incredibly good people in my life. It's rare to find people that give to you as much as [even more than] you give to them, true friends that make it possible for you to ask for help by simply not waiting for you to ask for it. I'm very lucky to have found a few of those...

More updates:

Bean seems a little better [she's not crying as much, and is walking a little easier], but still not 100%, so need to keep a close eye on her. Have this awful feeling there is going to be a midnight trip to the emergency vet tonight..I really, really want to be wrong about that.

The bronchitis is getting better [to repeat: halle-frickin-lujah]. Voice still cracks like an adolescent boy, but a little more air is getting through and I'm coughing less. Need to keep medicating and take it easy to give my lungs a chance to bounce back.

Missing a champagne dinner in the city for a friend's birthday because of all the drama...though with the unexpected expenses, I couldn't have afforded the drive and the dinner anyway, so I guess it's a mixed blessing.

And now it's time to take my medication, check on Bean, and get some stuff done that had to be pushed aside while I was zooming my way to and from Pleasanton.

Thanks for the good vibes, everyone...sending hugs back at you.

sigh, cry, moan, groan, grumble

AAA made it out in about half an hour, nice guy, great service from Ellison Towing. However...

...the battery for my car is dealer-specific [the way the battery is clamped down means the top is molded very specifically]. Okay, we jumped the car, got it started so I could take it to the dealer. However...

...the parts and service department is closed on the weekends. The nice woman at the dealership gave me the MINI roadside assistance number. However...

...the very nice woman on the other end of the phone told me that most California MINI dealership parts and service departments were closed on weekends, that I would have to contact my dealer on Monday. However [and this one is good, finally]...

...she called around, found a dealership in Pleasanton that was open, stayed on hold with them to be sure they had the part, and told them I was coming. She gave me the address, so while we were on hold, I printed directions...so now I'm heading out the door [the car has been running this whole time, since there is no frickin' way I'm turning it off].

Cross your fingers that there isn't another "however" in the story...

clickety click

Confirmed. Battery is dead. Tackling that task now.

worry

Bean is hurting. She is meowing a lot, and her hind legs aren't working very well...she's wobbling more, and she's falling down. Giving her meds now, and gave a bit of pain medication along with them to give her some relief. She's moving around, following me from room to room, so she's not totally incapacitated, but it's still not normal.

So now I really need to get the car working, in case I have to take her to the vet. Sigh. Just as I get a job, all these expenses pop up: the parking ticket, a new battery, getting stiffed on a concert ticket, the bronchitis and related expenditures, and of course it's also when bills like renter's insurance and car registration come due. Luckily I always try to pad for emergencies, but it would be really nice if they didn't cluster like this.

Going to go check on Bean, get showered and dressed, give a last 'pleasepleaseplease' try at starting the car, then call AAA. And put the sacrificial blanket on the bed, just in case poor Bean keeps hurting.

well, of course

Car won't start again. Glee.

click click click sigh

Left work, excited to spend an evening with MyFriendJen at the Celebrity Forum lecture tonight. Call her on the way to my car: "Hey, since I'm parked two blocks from your place, want to meet there, catch up, grab some dinner before the lecture?" Get in car, turn key...

...click click click click.

Dead battery. Dead dead, shuffled off this mortal coil, nailed to the perch. Bleedin' demised.

Call Jen, let her know I can't make it. I look for my State Farm 'roadside assistance' info...what's this?? The roadside assistance code isn't on my insurance card...but I'm pretty sure that I have the coverage. Hmmm....call agent, leave message asking her to confirm that I have it.

Call AAA. "Hi, I'm Alex. Oh, I see a Stacey Gladman in our system, but I'm afraid your membership expired." Doh. But very, very, VERY nice AAAlex looks up a local towing company for me on Yahoo and gives me the number [that was some incredibly cool customer service...thank you, AAAlex].

Call MyFriendJen to let her know, and she offers her AAA card. She comes by [since I'm only two blocks away], calls AAA for my car, and then hangs out with me while we wait. And she even brought me chocolates [my birthday present...extremely yummy Godiva choccies].

[Have I mentioned how much MyFriendJen rocks?? It's worth repeating.]

Car started with a simple jump [hurrah], but turns out I'm in the sixth year of a four-year battery, so need to replace it, don't trust it, et cetera. Had to keep car running for half an hour or so to let the battery charge, which meant I couldn't make the lecture [darn it!!], since I would be late, and I wouldn't trust the battery afterwards anyway.

Puttered around for a while, sending positive thoughts to the battery. Made sure to park on the street and not in the garage, just in case it doesn't start up again. Tomorrow will be the necessary chores of trying to start car, calling dealership to get car in as soon as possible, dealing with car if it doesn't start, and all that fun stuff. Oh yeah...and renewing AAA.

Now to get some dinner, then most likely go out and see if car starts [out of sick curiosity], then come back in and catch up on life around the house, medicate the bronchitis [still there, but not coughing as much, which is a truly wonderful thing], and then sit down to breathe for a bit [as much as my congested lungs will let me, of course].

Isn't being a grown-up *fun* sometimes?? :^p