punishment

Years ago, I found myself in a situation I never thought I would be in...but I came through it, found myself single for pretty much the first time ever, and somehow kept going.

I learned a lot about myself during that time. I learned what I want and don't want in a partner, lessons that I applied later on. I learned that I do want children...I just hadn't found the right person to start a family with. This was a huge awakening for me. I learned that I don't want to compromise myself simply to have someone. I maintain hope that there is someone with whom I click, that wants to share life with me as much as I want to share it with them.

So I have made hard decisions, let go of love that wasn't a good match even though it could have given me stability and a family, tried to stay true to myself and my values. But sometimes it feels as if I'm being punished for making these hard [yet ultimately correct] decisions. And the hardest part is if that is true, then I'm the one punishing myself. I could easily relax, make something happen, settle down, carve out a life with someone, even if they aren't quite the 'right' someone.

But it's not who I am. So I keep cranking along, knowing that if there is a payoff someday, it will be worth it. And if there isn't? Well, at least I stayed true to myself, and didn't hurt other people by giving them less than who I was. It's all about respect: for them, for me, for the people around me.

I respect myself too much to settle, I guess.