it's funny...

...even when I start out writing or talking honestly about how I'm doing, I spin it. I've noticed that I'll bitch and moan and whine [or whinge, if you prefer], then I'll turn around and say something to distract or turn the conversation to another topic [yeah, I'm looking at you "ooo, look over here, I'm playing EverQuest II, pay no attention to the emo chick behind the curtain" sentence from my last post].

So here it is, no misdirection or sleight of hand: I'm struggling. There was a lot of shit that went on with my Dad and with my Mom, their illnesses, and their choices...the ones they made, the ones they avoided, and the ones they wished they had made. The time I spent with Dad before he died was priceless, but I also learned a lot and saw too much while I was sharing life with him. He confessed a lot, shared a lot, and to be honest, he laid a lot of weight on my shoulders. As he said frequently: "sorry to lay this on you, kiddo...in a little while, it's not going to matter to me, but you are going to have to deal with it". Many late nights listening to him, comforting him, trying to help him through the shit he was dealing with. And now I have my own lifetime to try to sort through it all, make my own choices, try to follow through on some of the things he asked of me, and get my own shit in order.

I'm tired. I'm losing patience with myself. I know that it can take years to work things through and move on after losing your parents, and that's without factoring in all of the weirdness and drama and extraordinary circumstances of the situation with my mom and dad. But it's exhausting, and I never know when something will sneak past the defenses and masks. Even now, I'm fighting the impulse to end on a forced hopeful, positive note, like "it will just take time, and I know I'll get there eventually" or something similar [look back at some of my prior entries and you'll see I've done that more than once]. So instead I'll just end it with a final confession [one that's actually kind of hard to admit out loud]: I'm a bit lost right now.