monkeys

Talked with a close friend for a few hours the other night...they've been going through some really rough times, and I'm continually blown away by how strong they are. We talked about life, and choices, and things in our control, and things forced upon us...it was one of those "we laughed a bit, we cried some more, we commiserated" kind of conversations, the good ones that are rare and all the more precious for it.

We talked about those awful hours in the night, when you are desperately tired but can't escape into sleep...and how even when you do, it sometimes ends up being more of a trap than a respite. The brain can be a right bitch sometimes...it fights you at every turn, fixates on things you'd rather it let go, lets go of things you'd rather it kept hold of. My dad and I both struggled with brain monkeys, jumping around, keeping us awake longer than we wanted. And my friend is a member of the brain monkey club as well, memories and thoughts and wishes and if-onlys and I-should-haves and yeah-but-what-ifs all running and jumping and climbing and refusing to acknowledge our authority over our own brains.

They own our brains, those monkeys of thought. We can occasionally wrest control away, through distraction or diversion, but they come back fighting...the only thing that stops them is time. Time to process, time to accept, time to work through and work out whatever issues have them buzzing about. Which sucks, to be honest...I want an instant fix, damn it.

Tonight is a brain monkey night, another one in a streak of a few too many in a row. Usually I can tire them out with books or solitaire or television or the internet (or various combinations thereof), but they are being especially distraction-resistant tonight (the little bastards). So I'll finish typing this up, then re-fluff my pillow, roll onto my side, shift the cats a bit, turn on some late night telly (hello "Cold Case" and "Without a Trace" and "Criminal Minds" and "She-Ra" and "Bravestarr"), and play a few games of solitaire...eventually I'll drift off. After that come the dreams...but that's a whole different blog post.

G'night...