another goodbye

Goodbye, Aunt Monie...you were one of the good ones. Sending love and hugs and tears to my family...

helplessness

More rough times for the Saylor clan: My aunt Monie is very, very ill. It's very much a wait-and-see, time will tell situation, and the helplessness is hard for everyone. I'm stuck on the other side of the country, but I'm lucky to have some amazing family who are keeping me up-to-date on how she's doing...daily calls and texts and messages back and forth.

It sucks to see someone you love hurting. I love my Antimony, she's a friend as well as family...a rare thing.

Hugs and all my love to everyone...

music and memories

Got a random reminder the other day of how intertwined music and memory can be...it's amazing the power a song can have, even if you only hear a snippet.

Backstory: Many years back, my long-time partner developed feelings for a co-worker (spoiler: It led to the end of the relationship and was a very dark time for me, though the passing of time (and a lot of introspection and effort) would eventually lead to a better path and a better Stacey).

Back then, there was an older song that played a lot on the radio for some reason (maybe it was on a soundtrack?), whose title was the name of that co-worker. Plus (extra bonus!) the theme of the song was that the singer was smitten with the titular person, could see them being together, that things they thought were wrong in the past could be right in the future. You know, the kinds of lyrics someone going through a tough breakup loves to hear...Hollywood couldn't have written it better. <eyeroll>

Fast forward many, many years down the road. I'm a different person now. After coming through the other side, the lessons learned from that time in my life still serve me well...not the way I recommend learning about yourself, but if it has to happen, you might as well face it head on. So yeah, there I was umpteen years later, sitting at lunch, in circumstances that I couldn't have imagined in a million years, and I catch a bit of the song playing quietly over the speakers.

It was weird. It didn't hurt. It didn't bring back the emotions. It just tweaked me a bit...like tugging on a loose thread at your cuff and feeling it pull further up your sleeve. Connections, vague outlines of memories, a diaphanous blob of long-forgotten feelings.

It definitely didn't hit as hard as it did back when it was all fresh. In fact, it had no true effect, but I found the *memory* of the feelings to be fascinating. It was kind of like looking at a picture of a flower: You see the picture, you can match it to a memory of a real-life flower that you've seen, and you might have a recollection of what it should smell like, but it's removed from reality. You get a kind of "huh, yeah, I remember that flower" blip in your head, then you move on to the next thing. It was interesting to see that the cross-references were still there in my brain, but that they had dulled and diluted and no longer had power.


(There were two songs back then that made everything way, way too real at the time: the one with the co-worker's name, and one that had the singer cursing another for making them fall in love with them.

That one sucked. It was playing one time when I was hanging out with the co-worker (they had been a friend, a close one, actually) and they started crying on my shoulder about the song. So I comforted them, thinking it was about their own dying relationship. Yeah, no...turned out they were crying because it was *my* partner they were thinking of, and their relationship was failing because (and I kid you not, they said this to me) they "wanted a person like <my partner>" (another spoiler: They actually wanted my partner). So yeah, I wasn't fond of those songs, lol.)


(Oh, and don't get the idea that I blame the co-worker for what happened. While no, it's not terribly cool to pursue someone in a relationship, the weight of the choices fell on my ex-partner. They made the commitment to me, they were the one in the relationship. And if that relationship was no longer what they wanted, then it was on them to end it with honesty and integrity, with respect for everyone involved. Not going to lie, though, it would have been easier if I *could* have blamed someone else...I guess that's why so many people do.)

an up and a down

The up - Will landed at California airport number 100 and did it big: he made SFO (San Francisco International) his 100th airport.

It was a very cool experience being in a teeny tiny Cessna that is landing on a gigantically huge runway (seriously, the runway is 200 feet wide and more than two miles long). It's so long that we were told to land halfway down, past the other runways crossing perpendicular to it, and even then we still had more than a mile of runway to play with. It was crazy and awesome and an incredible day.

The down - Bad news for a loved one.

One of my closest friends, someone I've known for more than twenty years now, found out that their cancer isn't as gone as they had hoped. They were originally diagnosed four years ago, went through chemo and surgery and painful recovery, and now they are facing it all over again. Fuck cancer, and fuck a universe that lets bad things happen to good people. Grr. Sigh. Sadness. Frustration. Helplessness.

Lots of other things going on: Still dealing with the nerve damage and the pain. A trip to Tennessee to prep for another addition to the family. Another trip to Minnesota coming up in a few months, and a much longer one to/from Tennessee a while after that (that trip is going to change things for the Lawton clan big time). Futzing around in WoW, which is interesting after nearly a decade playing Everquest 2. Big deck repair to come, currently in the planning stages (ye gods, it's overwhelming and pricey being an adult). Did I mention the nerve damage? Still trying to figure out how to deal with the day-to-day and the repercussions of that particular gift from the universe, especially with so many trips and plans and things that need doing.

To spout a few trite, tired, overdone sayings: It is what it is. One foot in front of the other. Keep on keepin' on. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Time will tell. Yadda yadda, bullshit bullshit, blah blah blah. <grin>

we all float on

Something I've always wanted to do...and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

(And now this song is stuck in my head.)

stuff

Catching up (one of these months I'll actually make posts closer to the event):

Caught a mid-day showing of "Coco". Another Pixar win, a sweet story that flowed well. There were tears, but good ones...it was a well-told tale.

Saw Fall Out Boy at Oracle Arena. Awesome show, lots of fun. Weirdly, Jaden Smith was one of the opening acts...he's an odd bird, poor thing didn't inherit any of his dad's swagger. The other act was Blackbear, definitely a crowd favorite. We had awesome seats in the first ten rows, right up against the stage extension/walkway in the middle of the arena. Got to see them up close and personal. <grin>

Strained my ankle chasing after Darwin, but luckily it wasn't too bad. It has settled down into the "achy/weak/gives out when you least expect it" stage, so just have to baby it a bit and all will be fine. It's not the ankle that has been broken twice, which is weird...my body doesn't know what to do with a limp on the other side. :^D

Another concert, Imagine Dragons, one of the best I've been to in a long time. It was a very percussive, very *joyful* show...all ages, all types were there, and everyone was just having a good time. Lots of singing along, clapping, dancing; the band radiated a contagious energy and played well to the crowd. Halfway through the show they walked through the crowd and played on a small stage that appeared just below the lawn seats, which was an awesome thing...it meant even the "cheap seats" got a good view. I would see them again in a heartbeat.

Will headed out to Dead Cow Lake and the 2017 High Sierra Fly-in (though he drove this year). They got hit by a monster storm with winds gusting to 60-90+ miles per hour...planes came unmoored, one tumbled and was demolished, people's tents collapsed and broke. Our new Qube tent made it through with no issues, which was awesome (I have a feeling Qube may have made some sales in the weeks following).

Lots of flying with Will. A fun dinner with friends at Fenton's Creamery, a trip to Dead Cow lake to see the geyser and where he camped for that week.

Saw Puddles Pity Party with Karen, Riddle, and Feng (Bob couldn't make it, so I was able to take his ticket). It was a totally surreal show...and a hilarious one. I had no idea what to expect, and even now I can't really describe it. If you get the chance to see him live, do so. It's bizarre and incredible.

Finally got the heating/cooling working. Took four attempts, two new control boards, and a new blower motor. Even the tech was befuddled by it all, but at least it's working now (knock on wood).

No change in the neuralgia situation. Tired of even writing about it, honestly (though more tired of living with it). New insurance kicks in after the first of the year (old one stopped offering individual coverage in California, thanks in large part to the current political climate and the uncertainty around healthcare and subsidies and the like), so with luck I'll be able to finally work with them and find a pain specialist.

I'm sure there is more, but that's a good list for now. Life keeps moving on, things keep cranking along...

thankful

I am thankful for those who practice empathy and respect. I am thankful for the helpers, the supporters, the ones who cheer you on.

I am thankful for those who give parts of themselves, with little expectation of reciprocation.

I am thankful for those who see the evil and pain in the world, and still look for the good.

I am thankful for those who feed their curiosity, who never stop trying to learn about the world outside of their own boundaries.

I am thankful for those who find joy in the moments.

And most of all, I am thankful to find myself surrounded by these people, who provide an example every day of what I would strive to be.

surreal

This was part of a much longer response to my earlier post, one which ticked pretty much all of the boxes: You are spreading fear, you should have done something, you are choosing to be a victim, the guy was just trying to be friendly, they were just trying to interact with you, you over-reacted, you didn't react enough (yup, I somehow did both).

And this one, also from the shaming & blaming checklist (I left the typo, I think they were trying to say "not to be a victim blamer"):

the bookstore

Recent events brought back a memory, one I hadn't thought about it in a long time. (Warning: Long post ahead.)

-----

I was browsing at a second-hand bookstore when a guy asked me for recommendations for his wife. Chatted for a bit, asked what she liked, gave some suggestions, standard stuff.

He talks more about his wife, how he wants to find a way to connect, to make her happy, to bring a smile to her face. Me outside: Politeness and helpfulness. Me inside: Okay, whatever, don't care buddy, but sure, here are more suggestions if it will end this conversation.

He starts talking about how they are drifting apart, she's not the same person he married. Now I'm uncomfortable and trying to end the conversation politely. I wish him luck in his shopping and move to another section.

He follows.

He says that his sex life is empty because his wife has lost interest. That she won't have anything to do with sex, won't touch him, and she won't even watch him masturbate. She doesn't have to do anything, just watch. And she won't even do that for him.

"You wouldn't have a problem watching me, would you? I'll bet you wouldn't."

I walk away, towards a group of people. He follows.

"I'll be out in my car when you leave...watch for me, watch me, I'll be thinking of you, you can watch while I come." He heads out, looking back at me the whole time.

I just want to leave, but I don't want to run into him. I spend another fifteen minutes staring blankly at the book titles, not really seeing anything, just stalling for time.

I see the group of people leave and I try to blend in with them out the door. It didn't work...the guy was sitting in a white sedan across from the entrance (a county government car, no less), staring at me, motioning for me to come over.

I turn the opposite direction and keep walking. I just want to get in my car and leave, but I don't want this guy to follow me.

I walk a few blocks up, staying near groups of people. They cross the street, I cross the street. I walk into busy stores and wander around. I pretend to have a conversation on my mobile phone.

Eventually I make my way back to my car. Still being a bit cautious and paranoid, I don't drive straight home. Just in case. Better safe than sorry and all that.


Why didn't I tell someone? Because it didn't seem real. Because it escalated before I realized it. Because I honestly didn't know how to react. Because I didn't want to anger him, to put myself in danger.

Because we are taught from a very young age to just play it cool, don't incite, don't do anything that might make them mad, it will only make it worse for you.

Because he was bigger than me. Because he wasn't hearing me and he kept going in spite of anything I said. Because it was my word versus his, and I didn't know if people would believe me.

Because I was freaked out. Because I was just trying to get out of there.

I would like to think that the person I am now would handle it differently. Take his photo. Get his license plate (especially since he was in a county car). Start recording the interaction. Walk away while calling the cops.

Something. Anything.

But I honestly don't know. I might end up doing the exact thing I did then: try to extricate myself with minimal drama and take all the precautions I could to make sure he didn't follow me.

I really don't know...and that's unsettling. I had a very hard time going back to that bookstore for a while. I avoided that area. I didn't make eye contact with anyone driving a county car, just in case it was that guy.

He got into my head and made me change my patterns, and I fucking hate that. I'm better than that. I'm stronger than that. Aren't I? I am. I think?


This is why people are coming forward, even after years. Because that helplessness and confusion stays with you, colors everything you do. And hearing that you aren't alone, that other people have also been there, it helps.

You feel a little less like an idiot and a little more like a person. Like maybe, just maybe, it's not your fault after all.

catching up

Quick catch-up for later triggering of the memories:

Will flew us out to Burbank for a tour of NASA JPL. Beautiful weather for the flights to and from, the tour was fascinating and our guide had a ridiculous amount of knowledge.

An excellent night hanging with Karen. Drinks and food at the Plumed Horse, Adam Ant concert at the Mountain Winery (he was my first concert way back when...I snuck out to see him and was grounded for it, but it was worth it <grin>), and an amazingly beautiful night for a top-down drive home.

More Darwin medical fun: He has liver disease, so it's a lifetime of medication. Tooth cleaning and extraction. Removal of a few moles/lumps, tricky because they were on his chin and eyelid (cone of shame for weeks, joy). Keeping an eye on a few other under-the-skin masses that are okay for now, but will likely need removed later on. The fun of having a pure-bred dog.

More fallout from the inconsistently parsimonious prior owners of the house...they chose the next-to-the-bottom brand of central air, and one unit keeps failing. So now it's a case of spending a few thousand to keep it going or many more thousands to replace. Ditto with the toilets, though they are actually higher-end ones with a frustratingly finicky flapper that leaks entirely too much.

Attended a Porsche evening event during Monterey car week. Long drive to and from, but the event was cool and the weather was good (if a bit warm).

Saw Jimmy Eat World and Incubus at Shoreline. Jimmy Eat World were awesome live, Shoreline is always a fun venue (when the weather is good).

Another Shoreline concert coming up: Imagine Dragons. Can't wait for that one, it's sure to be high energy. Also have Fall Out Boy and Tom Jones (rescheduled after the last one was cancelled due to illness) coming up.

Still dealing with the nerve damage to face and head, it's likely permanent. It affects me more than I like to admit, frustrates me, tires me. Meds haven't worked, surgery isn't an option, acclimation and accommodation are pretty much all that's left.

Rejoined the GoPed family, got myself an electric one this time. Quieter and cleaner than the two-stroke I had for years, and a crazy amount of fun. Will and I have been enjoying zooming around, me on my GoPed, him on his OneWheel (kind of a high-tech motorized one-wheeled gyro skateboard/snowboard thing).

The world keeps getting crazier, sadder, more frustrating, and less logical. People are arguing against health care, against equality. Against people partaking of their First Amendment rights, while at the same time screaming loudly about their own Second Amendment rights. Meanwhile, people are getting hurt and dying as the political debates rage on. Empathy is sorely lacking in today's world, money is king, and the people in charge can only offer thoughts and prayers, because to do otherwise might anger their sponsors and endanger their supplemental sources of income.

Odd times.