her mother's hands

It was an odd feeling

When she looked down and saw

Her mother's hands.

There, at the ends of her own arms,

Resting quietly in her own lap,

Her own hands, and yet not.

She stared for a while, wondering.

When did they sneak in,

These undeniable signs of time passing?

Her mind drifted, her thoughts flowed

To hugs and talks and tears and smiles

And years and miles and pain and love.

All that was left now were memories

And a heart left wishing and sad,

But grateful for the time they'd shared.

It was a comforting feeling

As she looked down and saw

Her mother's hands.

may day number seven

So here we are, another May Day, another anniversary of "The Worst Ever Migraine That Wasn't Actually a Migraine Haha Fooled You". Six years of shingles-caused nerve damage to my face and head, six years of twitching and cursing and crying and learning things about pain that you never really wanted to know (like there is a specific smell to "pain sweat", and my posture changes when the pain is higher as my body unconsciously tries to curl away from the source of the pain, and that distraction can actually be a somewhat effective pain-management technique (but it's hard to keep it going for long), and that pain spikes lead to adrenaline rushes lead to adrenaline crashes).

So yeah, here I am. Thanks and hugs (and apologies and sympathy) to the folks who deal with the fallout, I'm lucky to have you. Sometimes when the mask slips, when the resources just aren't there to keep the wall up, you guys bear the brunt of it...thanks for putting up with it all. Love you.

And to show it's not all bad, here is one of many moments of joy: A silly pic caught by my friend as she, her kids, and I were dragging our "Wreck This Journal" around by a string (so much fun, seriously, you should buy the book and give in to the silliness).

Stacey and her pet journal going for
a walk around the neighborhood

achievement earned

 

one down

First shot done. Light at the end of the tunnel (assuming others follow through and help us all get through the tunnel together).

sharing the darkness

Ten years ago today, I took Will to see The Saw Doctors at Slim's SF and managed to snag this set list. That night, my ears ringing, calves cramping, exhausted and still smiling ear-to-ear, he asked me to spend a "reasonable facsimile of forever" with him (I said yes).

One of my favorite bands, one of my favorite people, one of my favorite venues, and one of my favorite memories.

a stranger's kindness

(image source: everything-starstuff)

I was at the end of flight one of two, desperately hoping to make it home in time, when I turned on my phone to find out I was too late: my mother was gone.

As I sat there broken and crying while everyone was exiting the plane, a fellow passenger quietly reached over, handed me a tissue, gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze, and then moved on. I wonder if they ever knew how much that simple, caring gesture meant.

It still stays with me to this day.

600

I've hit my daily step goal (11k+ steps) for 600 days straight.

Woot.

inspiring

As someone who stuttered as a kid and still does when stressed, tired, or in pain, it's incredible to see someone work through and manage theirs in front of the country and the world.

(President Biden has stuttered since childhood.)

bridges

As long as I'm taking a stand and burning some bridges, here is something that has been in my Drafts folder for ages. I kept hoping I wouldn't be pushed to post it, but after yesterday, and after months of seeing those who I thought were good people not giving a shit about their fellow humans being hurt, being mistreated, getting sick, and dying, I guess it's (past) time.

-----

I'm done. To hell with anyone reading this who still stands behind this bullshit, who refuses to condemn the fear, hatred, and violence that are openly being embraced and celebrated. Friend, family, acquaintance, I can't care any more...I'm done telling myself that it's not who you truly are and that you are a good person at your core, especially when I'm being told directly and indirectly that I'm dumb and a sucker for caring about other people, for wanting everyone to be able to live their best lives.

I will always err on the side of compassion and caring. If people are getting killed because of the color of their skin, I care. If children are being imprisoned in camps or shot in their schools, I care. If wearing a mask means someone else might not get sick, I wear the mask. If I have to pay more in taxes for better schooling for kids that aren't mine, I pay the taxes (and frequently vote to increase those taxes). If someone else has the chance to marry the person they love, the same way I do, I fight for them. I try to live my life with empathy, respect, and an awareness of my place in the greater whole. I will go to my deathbed knowing that I did my damnedest to treat everyone well, regardless of where they live, who they love, what race they are, how much money they have, what gods they do or don't believe in. But it's a two-way street, and I refuse to blindly give compassion to those who have none to spare.

So if you are reading this and are feeling attacked or insulted, then you aren't the person I thought you were. And you obviously don't know me well if you think I am okay with any of this. I'm guessing we are better off without each other, because this is something that can't be compromised on. 

I only hope you never need the compassion that you are so willing to withhold from others. And I truly hope you understand how much it took to get me to this point, because my entire life has been spent mediating, counseling, sucking it up, and not making waves.

But I'm done.

no more

Armed insurgents storm the Capitol to overthrow the constitutionally-elected government. This is a coup. 

If you are cheering this, you are not a patriot. You are not fighting for anything other than your own status quo. You can not hide behind the Constitution, you can not claim you want law and order. You have been played and used by people who are profiting off of your efforts, and still you support them. You have willingly chosen to remain ignorant, to ignore and downplay anything that might challenge your bubble, to turn a blind eye to the hypocrisy and manipulation. 

If you are still supporting this, after everything that has happened, after the deaths and lies and damage that has been done, you are not someone I can trust. You are not someone I can respect. I've avoided this for too long. I've made excuses, I've said "but they are good people otherwise". I've walked the line and tried not to offend, not to alienate. 

No more.