why apropos?

Funny how song lyrics jump out at you. The one I quoted earlier today, from "Solsbury Hill", hit me hard on the way in to work this morning, dredging up years-old memories. This week is always a hard one for me...coming up in a few days will be the 23rd anniversary of when Greg and I first started dating [gods, how the time flies]. It's a bittersweet, introspective time...I celebrate the years we had, mourn how it ended, am thankful for how I came through it all, and am hopeful about the future.

It took me too many long, painful months to finally "cut the connection" with Greg. I held on too tightly for too long, but it was all I ever knew, and I was terrified to face the world alone. Who would love someone like me? What did I have to offer? If a guy who knew me so well didn't want to be with me anymore, what did that say about me? How could he say I was so important to him, yet turn his back? How the hell would I start dating [for the first time, really] at age thirty-one?? Who was I when I wasn't being someone for somebody else?

Finally I saw past the fear and was able to realize that hanging on to him and to the life we had wasn't worth the pain, distrust, uncertainty; the cost to my soul was too high. The foundation was gone...nothing left to build on. I never really blamed him [though I desperately wanted to]...people change, and we happened to change in ways that no longer meshed. Oh, it hurt, don't get me wrong...but looking back, I realize that it would have been worse for me to stay.

And I've been fortunate. I've found friends who love me, people who were partners and shared the paths with me for a while, even realized that there are such things as soulmates out there. I've learned a lot about myself [and still learning], and grew to like the person I was becoming. October 4th will still bring melancholy moments, but in an odd way, I treasure those as well...there were many good times, and just because they ended, they don't stop being good. I'll always have those memories to smile about, and the entire experience helped create who I am today.

So when a song, a scent, a sight triggers those emotions, I sit back, let them roll over me, and pay homage to times past, present, and future...