the more things change...

A friend is going through a rough time. One of her closest friends told her recently that he had to cut off all contact with her...his wife was not comfortable with their friendship. She felt abandoned and hurt and betrayed; she understood that his priorities were his wife and family, but the way he handled it was less than mature.

I've been on all three sides of that scenario: the wife telling her best friend that she needed to disappear for a while to focus on the marriage, the wife wondering about the close relationship between her husband and a friend, and the one that got shuffled off to the side when another wife got uncomfortable. In the first case, I realized that it wasn't a marriage if I had to tiptoe around his insecurities, and so I fought to bring that friend back into my life [and I've still got him in my life <waves to him>]; in the second, I couldn't and didn't ask him to drop the friend...I knew it wouldn't solve the underlying issues, that keeping someone with me by force was not healthy and definitely not what I wanted. In the third, well, it hurt(s) like hell, but I know it was/is out of my control, and that in the long run, I'll be better served by the break.

Which is what I told my friend: that this was not her issue, it was between her friend and his wife; that yes, it hurts like hell that he couldn't take responsibility for his actions and was essentially running away and avoiding the underlying issues; that she was simply a catalyst and convenient target for those issues and that they pre-dated her; that her feelings were valid and that it would continue to hurt for a while that someone who was such an important part of your life could just walk away from you like that.

A validating part was when she forwarded me some email from her counselor...the email said almost exactly what I had been saying to her, which made me feel good. She's got some rough times ahead of her as she comes to grips with this...she's strong, and she'll make it, but it will be a bumpy ride between now and then. I have faith in her...