another day

I know we are all desperate for 2020 to be over. It's not an exaggeration to say this has been a year unlike most others, and we are glad to see the end of it. But the hard truth is that tomorrow is just another day, one that will bring thousands of illnesses, hundreds of deaths, and too many people struggling to work, to pay bills, to stay healthy in body, mind, and soul.

We have hope. We have faith. There truly is light ahead, if we can stay focused, stay empathetic, stay caring. But the odometer rolling into a new year isn't going to be a magic wand, bringing a Hollywood-style dissolve into a glorious new tomorrow, so it's important to go easy on yourself and not put that kind of pressure on you and on the flip of a calendar page.

Be safe, be smart, be kind to yourself and to others. May we have many more new years to come. ♥️

a treasured memory

One of my dearest memories, from a Christmas not too long before my mom died:

I was in Ohio, visiting Mom and Dad for the holidays. Christmas Eve, cocoa, popcorn, music, contentment. I mentioned the "NORAD tracks Santa" thing...they hadn't heard of it, so we rushed to the computer and hit up www.noradsanta.org to see where Santa was.

Mom saw the toll-free number and gave it a call, expecting an automated "Santa is now crossing the Sahara desert" or something. Nope. Live person.

"Merry Christmas!! This is <PersonName>, a <Rank> here at NORAD, helping Santa out this Christmas Eve."

Mom panicked and hung up. Dad and I were crying, we were laughing so hard.

"What?? I wasn't expecting an actual person!!"

Once we got ourselves under control, we called back, this time on speakerphone. The woman on the other end was awesome. "What's your name, little girl?" <heavy giggles from the three of us> "Where do you live?" "Ah, Trinway, Ohio...let me see...looks like Santa should be visiting your house around 2am, so be sure to be tucked up in bed and fast asleep before then, okay?"

She never broke character. "Santa is so busy that we volunteered to help him out and let people know where he was, that way he could concentrate on getting the presents to all the good girls and boys. It's an amazing honor."

After thanking her for the fun, we hung up and sat there giggling, talking, watching the website, and just enjoying being together.

It was one of my favorite and best Christmases.

my guiding principle

I can still hear my dad saying it: “Life is short, kiddo. You’ve got to enjoy it while you can.”

love to the family

A sad goodbye to my Aunt Judy. She and Uncle Donnie were always there for me, from when I was little, to when they lived down the block, and even long after I'd moved across the country.

I will miss her.

inspiring

The first woman to serve in the White House. What an amazing message to send to girls (and boys) everywhere.

wow

 Not something I expected to see from this source.

happy halloween, everyone

Here's hoping the next one is a bit closer to normal (the old normal, not the new normal).

a visitor

This was a first. And with the wildfires, I have a feeling we'll be seeing more wildlife coming into populated areas.

the gift that keeps on giving

2020 just won't stop. Freak dry lightning storm that lasted for hours, bringing 10,000+ lightning strikes that caused record wildfires. The Bay Area is being hit hard by multiple large fires, and there doesn't look to be any relief any time soon.

trying out a new mask

Wore my Under Armor mask while exercising this morning - 85 minutes total (62 push, 23 cool down), 5.10 miles, 681 calories, and 87 degrees by the time I was finished (gack). It was surprisingly comfortable: it stayed in place; didn't hurt my ears even with earbuds, sunglasses, and a hat; and didn't fog up my glasses. A bit warm and moist, but no more than other masks.

I'm calling this one a win.

another goodbye

RIP, Darwin. You were a good dog.

a hell of a timeline we find ourselves in

I know I haven't posted about the state of the world here, and I'm not entirely sure why. I think part of me is still trying to internalize it, to understand, to work through it all in my head (and my heart). For now, I'll try to sum up my thoughts on the two big challenges we are facing as humans and as Americans right now: the pandemic and the racism protests.

The pandemic: I am boggled at the denial and selfishness (or if I'm being more charitable, self-focused attitudes) that I'm seeing. This thing is literally killing thousands of people a day, yet people won't do something as simple as wear a mask. In America, we are losing a THOUSAND PEOPLE A DAY, and that's not enough to get people to care, to take steps to protect their neighbors, to work together to save lives.

I don't understand.

The protests: Again, I am boggled at the denial, the people who try to argue that racism doesn't exist, that privilege isn't a thing, that everything is being blown out of proportion. There are entire groups of people who can't do something as basic as walk in the park, go to the store, sit on their porch without having to think about how they look or act or whether someone will take exception to them and put their lives in danger because they are different. In America, there are people being beaten, incarcerated, and killed because of the color of their skin, and that's not enough to get people to care.

I don't understand.

The lack of respect, the dearth of empathy, the inability to care about something if it isn't directly affecting them...that is something these situations, these people, have in common. The only way they begin to care if their circle gets caught up in what is happening, and while that is better than nothing, it tears me up that it takes being personally affected to get people to care about someone else.

I have seen this happen with strangers, I have seen this happen with friends. I refuse to make large generalizations, since this is in large part what everyone is fighting against..."us vs. them" is easy, seeing people as individuals, as humans, is hard. I know people that I would describe as good, caring, loving people, yet those people still get caught up in bubbles of hate and derision and seeing others as "less than".

I also know that I can't change anyone's minds, yet I still try. I will always try to err on the side of compassion, of empathy. I will always try to live by the guiding principle of wanting others to have what I have, the same rights, the same privileges, the same ability to walk and talk and live their lives. I will never understand how some people can base their lives on the opposite: wanting to take away from others, wanting rights for themselves but not for others, wanting privileges and access that they then refuse to others.

In the meantime, as a friend once counseled me, I will follow my heart, I will do what my heart tells me is right. I may be shouting into the void, but I will try. I will do my damnedest to recognize my own privilege, my own biases, and I will try my best to listen to those that are trying to educate me about them.

There are many lessons to learn, many stories to hear, if we would only listen to each other.

a song for these times (from fb - 20200602)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

A song for these times. You can substitute "my soul" or "my heart" or "my conscience", whatever moral compass you use to empathize with your fellow humans.

"When I close my eyes, so I would not see,
My Lord did trouble me.

When I let things stand that should not be,
My Lord did trouble me."

unity (from fb - 20200602)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

Images of unity and peaceful demonstration.

To quote a friend: Protestors are protesting. Looters are looting. Don't lose the message in the noise.

solidarity (from fb - 20200601)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

for those asking (from fb - 20200531)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

(Oh, and for those folks that are asking "What happened to COVID??"

It's still there, and it's still infecting and killing people, and it is very definitely making its way through the groups out protesting. But they believe the risk is worth it, that the message is necessary in these fucked-up times.

They are putting their health and well-being on the line to try to stop injustice and to shine a light on the darkness that is festering and breaking through in our society, accepting the danger from the virus *and* from the response many are seeing as they speak out.)

I hope (from fb - 20200531)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

If you are condemning and dismissing the people protesting and their reasons for it because of the actions of a small percentage of the group, then I sincerely hope you did the same for the heavily armed, angry, tactical-geared people who broke into state and federal buildings earlier this month.

(And I very definitely hope you noticed the difference in responses: One set was met with law enforcement who stood silently in place while weapons were being brandished at them and government buildings were being occupied, while the others were met with shouting, riot gear, tear gas, and rubber bullets as they simply walked down the streets or knelt on sidewalks, long before a subset starting getting violent.

I also fervently hope you spent a bit of time thinking about the differences in the two responses and what it must be like to face that reality EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.)

powder keg (from fb - 20200530)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

Global pandemic. Millions infected, hundreds of thousands dead. Over 100,000 Americans dead from the virus and its effects. Massive unemployment. Financial devastation. Systemic discrimination. Divisive politics. Fear. Helplessness.

This was a powder keg. And yes, in amongst those trying to peacefully spread their message, there are those taking full advantage of an already volatile situation...but don't make the mistake of dismissing everything and everyone involved because of that. Look below the surface to what it took to get here.

If people protested having to wear a mask and stay distanced from others for a few months in order to save thousands from illness and death, imagine generations of people being told they are less-than, seeing people that look like them being hurt and killed more and more openly by those who are supposed to protect them.

People are angry that they aren't allowed to go to bars, gyms, salons. Now imagine living your entire life with the fact that you couldn't rely on it being safe to walk to work, birdwatch in the park, drive your car, go jogging, buy some Skittles at the local store, sleep in your bed. Your life these past few months is many people's entire existence.

And because I have to try: Please try to put yourself in the other person's place. Flip the script, swap the players. Seriously think about whether you would agree if "the other side" said those things, did those things, acted that way. Think about how you would feel, react, live if *you* were the one under the knee, in the park, behind the gun, in the car, with the badge, on the ground, at the grave side.

I know you can't force empathy, and I know that our bubbles are strong and hard to break out of. But please try.

Please see people as *people*. As individuals. Not as a label, not as "other". Not the enemy, not the excuse, not as a group.

As a person.

my own little may day (from fb - 20200501)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

My own little MayDay...five years since The Great Shingles Incident of 2015, five years (and counting) of postherpetic trigeminal neuralgia. No change in the past few years (grr), so life settled in to what has become the new baseline: avoiding triggers where possible (sun, wind, cold, wet, basically anything really), planning for down time after activities, accepting the weird twitches and spikes and Tourettes bouts of "Ow!", "Monkey buckets!!". "Gah!", "Mother PUS bucket!!" (and other less family-friendly epithets).

(A weird "advantage": I'd gotten used to wearing face scarves and gaiters for protection long before Coronapocalypse hit, so that came in handy. Umm, #silverlining?? Or more like #tinfoillining maybe?)

Big thanks to Will for dealing with this shit for so long; this isn't quite what we pictured when we pledged "in sickness and in health". And hugs to all my friends who put up with my twitches and postponements and inability to do everything I want to do. You guys rock.

(bonus pic of Railroad Bandit Stacey and Always Underfoot Darwin)

be kind (from fb - 20200422)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

"In a world where you can be anything, be kind."

An awesome gift from an awesome friend.

drained (from fb - 20200420)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

Guys, I'm exhausted. Mentally, emotionally...I'm drained. These are crazy times, and I was doing all right when I thought we were coming together, when it seemed like we understood that this is our battle to win, that we could all count on each other to get through this.

It's overwhelming. Almost 40,000 Americans dead, with the number doubling every week and a half. 40,000 dead in a few months. On February 26th, a public official said there were "15 people" dead. We've gone from that number to nearly FORTY THOUSAND in less than two months. And if things don't change, there will be *another* 40,000 dead in less than two weeks. And that's just in the US...the rest of the world has been staggered by this. The loss of life is hard to fathom.

But now I'm boggled and saddened and disappointed at what I'm seeing. There are people unironically demanding to be allowed to do what they want, while saying we should be locking up and quarantining the at-risk population so they themselves can be free. There are people demanding the right to do what they want with their own bodies, while denying others the same right. People who are screaming to be allowed to work, but don't want to take the jobs that so desperately need doing.

People who are shouting that because it hasn't affected them, they should be free to do as they please, ignoring the thousands of healthcare workers who are risking all to keep this from affecting more people. People who have decided that because they don't think they are at risk, that makes it okay to put others at risk.

People who are demanding things for themselves, for their own lives, but are not using that voice to push for better healthcare or better economic solutions or funding for research. People who demand the right to go where they want, to shop where they want, eat where they want, with no regard for the danger and risk that brings to the essential workers who are manning the stores, the gas stations, the offices, restaurants, the packing plants, the shipping centers.

People who have decided that because they haven't seen firsthand the devastating effects of this virus, it must mean it's all exaggerated. Even a bit of research would show that this is affecting EVERYONE. Grocery store workers. Nurses, doctors. Janitors, cleaning staff. People shipping our products, people bringing us our food. There are many painful accounts of what medical personnel are dealing with, the death and pain and helplessness they are seeing.

JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN DIRECTLY AFFECTED BY THIS DOESN'T MEAN IT ISN'T HAPPENING. I hope your luck continues. I hope you never have to have someone in your circle sick or dying from this. I hope you have the luxury of it never hitting you.

Because it *is* hitting someone right now, and their loved ones are dealing with the consequences. Tens of thousands of Americans have died in an amazingly short time, hundreds of thousands of *humans* have died. Millions have been infected, and yes, there are many who have recovered. But there are many who haven't or are still fighting, hoping to be one of the lucky ones.

These are shit times and it's hitting a lot of people hard, economically and mentally and physically, and there is no easy answer. That is why we need to help each other...because this thing doesn't care, doesn't give a shit if you want your football back or want your roots done or want to go fishing or miss hanging out with your buddies on a Friday night.

This thing doesn't care...so we have to.

doing their part (from fb - 20200403)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

Doing their part to protect others. You do yours when you go out, please. ❤️

masks (from fb - 20200401)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

There is a lot of confusing messaging around wearing masks right now, so I thought I'd try to clarify for myself. NOTE: I am just a layman, this isn’t anything official or in-depth, and the situation keeps evolving, but this is what I’m going by right now.

* If you are a healthcare worker, essential worker, or one of the at-risk or currently ill population, then N95+ masks and gloves are recommended and in many cases required. These are primarily to protect *you* from others (though they can also help protect you _when worn properly_).

* For everyone else, please strongly consider wearing some form of face covering if/when you have to go out. This is to protect *others* from you. Many people may be carriers but asymptomatic, so even a 30-50% reduction in the spread of droplets can be significant when we all pitch in. A scarf, bandanna, t-shirt, or a homemade mask (lots of good suggestions and patterns on the internet)...anything will help.

And as always, use care, be smart. Wash your hands often, don't touch your face, and stay home. To repeat a quote I've been seeing around: "The virus doesn’t move, people move it. We stop moving, the virus stops moving, the virus dies. It’s that simple."

this thing doesn't care (from fb - 20200328)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

This thing doesn't care. It doesn't care if your area is red or blue, wealthy or poor. It doesn't care which candidate you support or which you despise. It doesn't care if a politician wants everything to go back to normal by Easter. It doesn't care if you think it's "just" a flu, it doesn't care that you take your vitamins, it doesn't care that you "never get sick". It doesn't care if you think you feel fine, it doesn't care if you think you are invulnerable.

It doesn't care if you are young, old, healthy, ill, strong, or weak. But it does hit the weakest, the oldest, the sickest, the most vulnerable the hardest, so your actions ripple out and have consequences even more than they normally do. Every single one of us is only a few degrees of separation at the most from being affected, with many of us already suffering.

Now is the time to trust doctors and health officials, to listen to the people who have spent their lives studying and working with situations like this. It's time to realize that this is bigger than you, bigger than your personal wants and needs, bigger than demographics and borders and biases and colors and creeds. Now is the time to remember that those lines on the charts and numbers in the reports are *people*, with lives and loves and hopes and dreams.

Now is the time to realize that in spite of the necessary physical isolation, we are not alone. We can get through this, and we will see the other side.

We can do this.

listen to the experts (from fb - 20200323)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

Please do not let politicians and economists sway you during this health crisis. Listen to the doctors, the medical experts. These are hard times, but we *need* to think beyond ourselves right now.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. Be safe.

24.9

For the first time in about eleven years, my BMI is in the "healthy" range (yeah, I know BMI isn't a great metric to use because of how generic and "one size fits all" it is, but it's a good rough guideline).

Not going to lie, it's embarrassing that I gained so much weight. Oh sure, I can explain why: mom dying, family drama, dad killing himself, family drama, job drama, health issues, broken ankle, life changes, five years (and counting) of nerve damage fun. And it sneaks up on you...less than a pound a month over years adds up to more than you would like to think. But ultimately it's on me to own it and make the effort.

About eight months ago, I started to change things. It started out really small: ten minutes a day of walking around the outside of the house. Flip flops and pajama pants, a big floppy hat. Just something, anything to get moving. Will joined in, so I had a walking partner to make the time pass a bit quicker.

I used a Garmin watch to track steps and started at about 4000 steps a day. Used the "move alert" feature to remind me to get up and walk around every hour. Starting ramping up the daily steps as the weeks went on, adding more minutes or more sessions to the daily walks.

A few months in, I got some good walking shoes and started using MyFitnessPal to keep an eye on calories. (One cool feature of the app: It estimates what your weight would be in five weeks if every day were like the current one. A good motivator.)

It became a daily routine: Get up, get changed, walk. Garmin kept track of streaks and totals, which helped keep me motivated (we humans are easy to manipulate, just show us a high score and we try to beat it).

The calorie watching was the biggest factor in the weight loss, far more than the exercise. Not a diet...I've been saying "if you go on a diet, you'll go off a diet". Instead, we simply tracked what we ate and got a better idea of just how many calories and macronutrients were in everything. I still eat mostly the same things, just a bit less of them. Still have Taco Bell and pizza, still snack and graze. But now I am a lot more aware of how those seemingly small things add up.

---

Fast forward to today. I'm now regularly doing 15,000+ steps a day and walking about 3.5 miles each morning. I'm down over 80 pounds (and would still like to lose a few more). I've got a streak going of over 250 days of hitting my daily step goal; with luck, I will get to a full year.

According to Garmin, I've logged nearly 4 million steps and over 1700 miles in the past eight months. I take more steps than 99% of their other users of any age range. I now compete regularly in online "step challenges" against other Garmin users, and I've placed in the top three multiple times (including some first places, woot).

I'm definitely seeing a change in my breathing, my stamina, and my endurance. Gone down a few clothing sizes, donated boxes of old clothes, and now have a full section of my closet dedicated to fitness clothes (which cracks me up).

Will has been an awesome partner through all of it. He's also lost weight and slimmed down, and we keep each other motivated. I've got good friends who are also cheering me on and helping me see the changes that I can't. 

The most important part for me was making sure it was sustainable. I needed this to be something I could do wherever I was, whatever I was doing, for as long as I was able. I didn't want to completely restrict what I ate; I still wanted to have fun and eat tasty foods. So far, it seems to be working...I still have a bit more to go, but so far, so good. <crosses fingers>

And now some pics for my future motivation (and a reminder to not let it get out of hand again):

 

(You can tell I started to actively track my calorie intake
right around the beginning of August.)

 

 

Left: March 2017 - Right: March 2020
(Isn't the drooping eyelid lovely? One of the presents the
shingles/neuralgia left behind. Ugh.)

Left: May 2019 - Right: March 2020
(and that lovely drooping eyelid)

thinking beyond ourselves (from fb - 20200315)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

I have a cousin who is extremely pregnant, I have a friend who is extremely pregnant. I have friends who are at severe risk because of cancer and other illnesses, friends with kids who are immunocompromised because of leukemia. I have older friends, sick friends, young friends, healthy friends...all are at risk.

I'm guessing that most people have someone in their lives who is in danger because of this virus. Even if you are healthy, if you are not showing any symptoms, you could unknowingly spread it.

We need to make sure our emergency facilities and hospitals can handle what is coming. This means slowing down the spread, "flattening the curve" of people needing emergency help, slowing down the spikes of need. People will still get sick, they may still die, but we need to do all we can to make sure that our hospitals and emergency personnel aren't overwhelmed and helpless.

Please please please think beyond yourself right now. Skip the party, avoid the festival, don't go to the bar, give each other space. Everything we can do now could save lives in the coming days.

Don't panic. But do think, and empathize, and realize that this is a *global* issue, and only by thinking beyond ourselves can we get things under control.

Johns Hopkins Coronavirus Resource Center