a hell of a timeline we find ourselves in

I know I haven't posted about the state of the world here, and I'm not entirely sure why. I think part of me is still trying to internalize it, to understand, to work through it all in my head (and my heart). For now, I'll try to sum up my thoughts on the two big challenges we are facing as humans and as Americans right now: the pandemic and the racism protests.

The pandemic: I am boggled at the denial and selfishness (or if I'm being more charitable, self-focused attitudes) that I'm seeing. This thing is literally killing thousands of people a day, yet people won't do something as simple as wear a mask. In America, we are losing a THOUSAND PEOPLE A DAY, and that's not enough to get people to care, to take steps to protect their neighbors, to work together to save lives.

I don't understand.

The protests: Again, I am boggled at the denial, the people who try to argue that racism doesn't exist, that privilege isn't a thing, that everything is being blown out of proportion. There are entire groups of people who can't do something as basic as walk in the park, go to the store, sit on their porch without having to think about how they look or act or whether someone will take exception to them and put their lives in danger because they are different. In America, there are people being beaten, incarcerated, and killed because of the color of their skin, and that's not enough to get people to care.

I don't understand.

The lack of respect, the dearth of empathy, the inability to care about something if it isn't directly affecting them...that is something these situations, these people, have in common. The only way they begin to care if their circle gets caught up in what is happening, and while that is better than nothing, it tears me up that it takes being personally affected to get people to care about someone else.

I have seen this happen with strangers, I have seen this happen with friends. I refuse to make large generalizations, since this is in large part what everyone is fighting against..."us vs. them" is easy, seeing people as individuals, as humans, is hard. I know people that I would describe as good, caring, loving people, yet those people still get caught up in bubbles of hate and derision and seeing others as "less than".

I also know that I can't change anyone's minds, yet I still try. I will always try to err on the side of compassion, of empathy. I will always try to live by the guiding principle of wanting others to have what I have, the same rights, the same privileges, the same ability to walk and talk and live their lives. I will never understand how some people can base their lives on the opposite: wanting to take away from others, wanting rights for themselves but not for others, wanting privileges and access that they then refuse to others.

In the meantime, as a friend once counseled me, I will follow my heart, I will do what my heart tells me is right. I may be shouting into the void, but I will try. I will do my damnedest to recognize my own privilege, my own biases, and I will try my best to listen to those that are trying to educate me about them.

There are many lessons to learn, many stories to hear, if we would only listen to each other.

a song for these times (from fb - 20200602)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

A song for these times. You can substitute "my soul" or "my heart" or "my conscience", whatever moral compass you use to empathize with your fellow humans.

"When I close my eyes, so I would not see,
My Lord did trouble me.

When I let things stand that should not be,
My Lord did trouble me."

unity (from fb - 20200602)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

Images of unity and peaceful demonstration.

To quote a friend: Protestors are protesting. Looters are looting. Don't lose the message in the noise.

solidarity (from fb - 20200601)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

for those asking (from fb - 20200531)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

(Oh, and for those folks that are asking "What happened to COVID??"

It's still there, and it's still infecting and killing people, and it is very definitely making its way through the groups out protesting. But they believe the risk is worth it, that the message is necessary in these fucked-up times.

They are putting their health and well-being on the line to try to stop injustice and to shine a light on the darkness that is festering and breaking through in our society, accepting the danger from the virus *and* from the response many are seeing as they speak out.)

I hope (from fb - 20200531)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

If you are condemning and dismissing the people protesting and their reasons for it because of the actions of a small percentage of the group, then I sincerely hope you did the same for the heavily armed, angry, tactical-geared people who broke into state and federal buildings earlier this month.

(And I very definitely hope you noticed the difference in responses: One set was met with law enforcement who stood silently in place while weapons were being brandished at them and government buildings were being occupied, while the others were met with shouting, riot gear, tear gas, and rubber bullets as they simply walked down the streets or knelt on sidewalks, long before a subset starting getting violent.

I also fervently hope you spent a bit of time thinking about the differences in the two responses and what it must be like to face that reality EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.)

powder keg (from fb - 20200530)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

Global pandemic. Millions infected, hundreds of thousands dead. Over 100,000 Americans dead from the virus and its effects. Massive unemployment. Financial devastation. Systemic discrimination. Divisive politics. Fear. Helplessness.

This was a powder keg. And yes, in amongst those trying to peacefully spread their message, there are those taking full advantage of an already volatile situation...but don't make the mistake of dismissing everything and everyone involved because of that. Look below the surface to what it took to get here.

If people protested having to wear a mask and stay distanced from others for a few months in order to save thousands from illness and death, imagine generations of people being told they are less-than, seeing people that look like them being hurt and killed more and more openly by those who are supposed to protect them.

People are angry that they aren't allowed to go to bars, gyms, salons. Now imagine living your entire life with the fact that you couldn't rely on it being safe to walk to work, birdwatch in the park, drive your car, go jogging, buy some Skittles at the local store, sleep in your bed. Your life these past few months is many people's entire existence.

And because I have to try: Please try to put yourself in the other person's place. Flip the script, swap the players. Seriously think about whether you would agree if "the other side" said those things, did those things, acted that way. Think about how you would feel, react, live if *you* were the one under the knee, in the park, behind the gun, in the car, with the badge, on the ground, at the grave side.

I know you can't force empathy, and I know that our bubbles are strong and hard to break out of. But please try.

Please see people as *people*. As individuals. Not as a label, not as "other". Not the enemy, not the excuse, not as a group.

As a person.

my own little may day (from fb - 20200501)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

My own little MayDay...five years since The Great Shingles Incident of 2015, five years (and counting) of postherpetic trigeminal neuralgia. No change in the past few years (grr), so life settled in to what has become the new baseline: avoiding triggers where possible (sun, wind, cold, wet, basically anything really), planning for down time after activities, accepting the weird twitches and spikes and Tourettes bouts of "Ow!", "Monkey buckets!!". "Gah!", "Mother PUS bucket!!" (and other less family-friendly epithets).

(A weird "advantage": I'd gotten used to wearing face scarves and gaiters for protection long before Coronapocalypse hit, so that came in handy. Umm, #silverlining?? Or more like #tinfoillining maybe?)

Big thanks to Will for dealing with this shit for so long; this isn't quite what we pictured when we pledged "in sickness and in health". And hugs to all my friends who put up with my twitches and postponements and inability to do everything I want to do. You guys rock.

(bonus pic of Railroad Bandit Stacey and Always Underfoot Darwin)

be kind (from fb - 20200422)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

"In a world where you can be anything, be kind."

An awesome gift from an awesome friend.

drained (from fb - 20200420)

(this is a post I originally made on facebook, copied here and backdated so I can look back on it later)

Guys, I'm exhausted. Mentally, emotionally...I'm drained. These are crazy times, and I was doing all right when I thought we were coming together, when it seemed like we understood that this is our battle to win, that we could all count on each other to get through this.

It's overwhelming. Almost 40,000 Americans dead, with the number doubling every week and a half. 40,000 dead in a few months. On February 26th, a public official said there were "15 people" dead. We've gone from that number to nearly FORTY THOUSAND in less than two months. And if things don't change, there will be *another* 40,000 dead in less than two weeks. And that's just in the US...the rest of the world has been staggered by this. The loss of life is hard to fathom.

But now I'm boggled and saddened and disappointed at what I'm seeing. There are people unironically demanding to be allowed to do what they want, while saying we should be locking up and quarantining the at-risk population so they themselves can be free. There are people demanding the right to do what they want with their own bodies, while denying others the same right. People who are screaming to be allowed to work, but don't want to take the jobs that so desperately need doing.

People who are shouting that because it hasn't affected them, they should be free to do as they please, ignoring the thousands of healthcare workers who are risking all to keep this from affecting more people. People who have decided that because they don't think they are at risk, that makes it okay to put others at risk.

People who are demanding things for themselves, for their own lives, but are not using that voice to push for better healthcare or better economic solutions or funding for research. People who demand the right to go where they want, to shop where they want, eat where they want, with no regard for the danger and risk that brings to the essential workers who are manning the stores, the gas stations, the offices, restaurants, the packing plants, the shipping centers.

People who have decided that because they haven't seen firsthand the devastating effects of this virus, it must mean it's all exaggerated. Even a bit of research would show that this is affecting EVERYONE. Grocery store workers. Nurses, doctors. Janitors, cleaning staff. People shipping our products, people bringing us our food. There are many painful accounts of what medical personnel are dealing with, the death and pain and helplessness they are seeing.

JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN DIRECTLY AFFECTED BY THIS DOESN'T MEAN IT ISN'T HAPPENING. I hope your luck continues. I hope you never have to have someone in your circle sick or dying from this. I hope you have the luxury of it never hitting you.

Because it *is* hitting someone right now, and their loved ones are dealing with the consequences. Tens of thousands of Americans have died in an amazingly short time, hundreds of thousands of *humans* have died. Millions have been infected, and yes, there are many who have recovered. But there are many who haven't or are still fighting, hoping to be one of the lucky ones.

These are shit times and it's hitting a lot of people hard, economically and mentally and physically, and there is no easy answer. That is why we need to help each other...because this thing doesn't care, doesn't give a shit if you want your football back or want your roots done or want to go fishing or miss hanging out with your buddies on a Friday night.

This thing doesn't care...so we have to.