a straight line to the soul

A while back, I went to Live 105's "Not So Silent Night" with Will and Susy. It was a great show, with an awesome line-up: Broken Bells [I really liked them...you might know their song "The High Road"], The Black Keys [different style, also good], Phoenix [amazing lighting, best sound mixing I've heard at a show *ever*, very personal and personable band...definitely a highlight], My Chemical Romance [also amazing, very high energy], and Smashing Pumpkins [disappointing...it was only Billy Corgan with some random folks playing, sound mix was horrible, he didn't play some of the more popular songs].

I was having a great time...we went for the "Not So Subtle VIP" package and it was a blast. I was enjoying hanging with Susy and Will, being a "VIP", the show, the music, the vibe, the crowd.

Then My Chemical Romance ended their set with this:



When I was out with Dad before he died, one of the things he said to me frequently was "the hardest part of all this, kiddo, is letting go of you"...and here is this song that makes me think of Mom and Dad and all they went through and all they gave me and all that I miss.

So there I am among thousands of people, bopping away, when suddenly the music smacks me upside the head and the heart, and I can't quite hold back the tears [I am lucky to have wonderful folks like Will and Susy in my life...they stood on either side of me and quietly held my hands, gave me their shoulders to sniffle on, and made it okay to be sad].

Why am I posting this now? Because the song just came up randomly on my playlist and brought it all back.

I love music. It is one of the major things in my life that gives me joy, comfort, peace, excitement, release. But sometimes, often when you least expect it, it becomes a direct line to the emotional center of that nebulous thing we call a soul...

my way

Sitting here quietly with pizza and a book...and memories.

it's funny...

...even when I start out writing or talking honestly about how I'm doing, I spin it. I've noticed that I'll bitch and moan and whine [or whinge, if you prefer], then I'll turn around and say something to distract or turn the conversation to another topic [yeah, I'm looking at you "ooo, look over here, I'm playing EverQuest II, pay no attention to the emo chick behind the curtain" sentence from my last post].

So here it is, no misdirection or sleight of hand: I'm struggling. There was a lot of shit that went on with my Dad and with my Mom, their illnesses, and their choices...the ones they made, the ones they avoided, and the ones they wished they had made. The time I spent with Dad before he died was priceless, but I also learned a lot and saw too much while I was sharing life with him. He confessed a lot, shared a lot, and to be honest, he laid a lot of weight on my shoulders. As he said frequently: "sorry to lay this on you, kiddo...in a little while, it's not going to matter to me, but you are going to have to deal with it". Many late nights listening to him, comforting him, trying to help him through the shit he was dealing with. And now I have my own lifetime to try to sort through it all, make my own choices, try to follow through on some of the things he asked of me, and get my own shit in order.

I'm tired. I'm losing patience with myself. I know that it can take years to work things through and move on after losing your parents, and that's without factoring in all of the weirdness and drama and extraordinary circumstances of the situation with my mom and dad. But it's exhausting, and I never know when something will sneak past the defenses and masks. Even now, I'm fighting the impulse to end on a forced hopeful, positive note, like "it will just take time, and I know I'll get there eventually" or something similar [look back at some of my prior entries and you'll see I've done that more than once]. So instead I'll just end it with a final confession [one that's actually kind of hard to admit out loud]: I'm a bit lost right now.

a brief break in the clouds

Impromptu trip to Disneyland a few days ago...Will made it all happen and away we went. Crazy how tiring it is to walk around the park for 9 hours a day...we dubbed the aching feet, knees, hips, and muscles "Disney Legs", and bravely soldiered on. There was a special Halloween event at the park that night which we didn't know about...and it sucked, because they closed the park at 6pm and you had to pay an extra $54 per person to get in. We only had the one night, so we shelled out [extremely annoying, especially since we are both premium annual pass holders] and made the most of it. It wasn't that horrible, actually...the population thinned out, lots of people young and old in costume, wait times for rides were crazy short [less than 5 minutes for most of them]. So while we wouldn't have planned it that way, it worked out all right.

We picked up some more art: Will got an awesome chroma-cel of the Magic Mirror from Snow White that will go amazingly with the other two gicle paintings he has, and I snagged an original of Maleficent with matching watch...that Disney thing with the guy in the storefront, painting it by hand. More than we both planned to spend when we first headed down, but once in a lifetime chances to get something so unique and interesting. And as with a lot of things these past months, I had the "can't wait for Dad to see this" thoughts...sigh. Old habits, made over a lifetime...ouch.

These past few weeks were much needed ones for both of us...losing Taz so suddenly was hard and unexpected. She had been a part of Will's life for nearly fourteen years, the one constant through those times. Think about where were you fourteen years ago, think about *who* you were back then...and now imagine losing someone that was with you that entire time. So he took some time away from the grind, and was sweet enough to share the time with me. Nothing special, just chilling, relaxing, watching movies and telly, going to Disneyland, playing on the computer, he did his fireman stuff and hung out with friends, both of us basically just ignoring the outside world for a bit and recharging.

Can't speak for him, but it was a much appreciated break for me...kind of struggling with how to deal with everything. There's been a lot of loss for me these past few years: two of my closest friends moving away; the deaths of an aunt and uncle, both in the same night; losing another aunt; and losing my mother and father within less than a year of each other. Finding Taz that night reopened a lot of it, threw it all off kilter again...which really sucked, because I wanted more than anything to be there completely for Will. I loved that dog, and I'd only known her for a couple of years; I couldn't imagine how hard and weird it must have been for him to lose her. So I tried hard to hold it together for him [even though he saw right through it, darn it] and just be there for him, the way he's been there for me.

So these past few weeks have been a welcome respite, and came to an end much too quickly. A grey bit snuck in towards the end of that time, just after we got back from Disney, during a call from an old friend...it was really good to catch up, and definitely good to hear where they were and how life was going. The rough bit came when they asked about Dad...they've known me for a long time, and knew Dad, so I was able to share some of the harder parts of the whole situation. It was good, but also very hard, and brought a lot of it back to the forefront again. So a bit of a rough spot there, but tried hard not to let it entirely diminish the hard-won mellow tone of the time off. We finished up the weekend with me finally getting into EQ2...after years of avoiding it [because I knew how easily I could get caught up in it], I gave in and rolled a character and got started. Danger, Will Robinson, danger...

88 miles per hour

Seeing "Back to the Future" at the theater with Will, Nate, Kim, and Molly...crazy that it was released *twenty-five* years ago.

10 10 10 10 10 10

cool

goodbye pretty girl

She's the one on the right, patiently and sweetly sharing her bed with her buddy Darwin.

Goodbye, Taz...

fookin ell

Really banged myself up this weekend...in a fit of complete coordination, I bent down to turn on the garden hose at Will's and WHA-BAM!!! I slammed my head into his cranked-open kitchen window. Didn't even see the sucker there, and was really confused for a few seconds about what happened...hurr durr, what the hell was that??

Figured it out pretty quickly, once the brain started working again...Will heard the impact from halfway across the yard and was crazy quick with the icepack. I got lucky: no blood, no broken skin, and the quick application of ice kept the swelling down. But it effing *HURT*...my eyes were watering, stomach was unhappy, and I was feeling quite wobbly.

It really screwed up the weekend...I wasn't good for anything but sitting/lying still, with an icepack to my head. I tried to downplay how bad it was, but I was hurting pretty badly. I hit the front top of my head, right near the hairline; while it didn't swell and bump up, instead it felt like it spread out instead of up...the whole upper right of my scalp hurt, and my temple throbbed. My right eye was blurry for about a day or so, my head was very sore to the touch [and I sleep on my right side, of course]. Even now it hurts to brush or wash my hair [guess who is feeling really grungy and grimy today?]. Too graceful.

To add to the fun, I had to get my car in to the dealer at 7:30am the next day to get the tire replaced. I was moving a bit slowly, but I made it...after a couple of hours wait at the dealer, I made my way home, popped some pain relievers, grabbed an ice pack, and made myself horizontal for as long as I could.

So excuse me while I take a moment to sing the praises of the skull. That helmet of ours took a fearsome whack and kept the grey matter inside intact...something I am very grateful for right now.

tire + staple = no bueno

My car starting giving me "hey, your right rear tire is low" warnings late yesterday...finally found a gas station with a working air pump [why is it so hard to find one these days??] and found this lovely treat:


It's a big-ass industrial staple, lodged rather perfectly in the tread. Annoyingly, I can't get the tire replaced until Monday. You see, when I bought the car, I was "smart" and bought the tire warranty...since these are run-flat tires, they aren't cheap, so it seemed like a great idea to get the replacement warranty and save some money in the long run. The problem is that the warranty can only be handled through the dealership that sold it. This means I can't just go to Big O Tires, or Tire Warehouse, or We Be Tires, or Tires R Us...I *have* to go to the dealership. And it seems that the dealership can't get warranty approval on weekends, so I am stuck with a stapled tire until Monday morning.

Joy, rapture, bliss, happiness. Said sarcastically, of course.

Grumble. No sarcasm in that one.

fly low, fly fast, turn left

Reno Air Races last weekend with Will, Nate, and Bill. Stayed at Nate's cabin and drove in to Reno for the fun. Some highlights:

* another bear intrusion - Nate was the one to find it this time. The bear managed to turn on the stove, which is a scary thought...luckily the burner actually stayed lit until Nate got there, rather than snuffing out and spewing gas into the place. Another piece of luck: there was a wooden cutting board over the burner...the flame burned a hole right through it, but the rest of the board stayed unburned.

* anti-bear efforts - Nate installed a crazy strong steel storm door, boarded up the other door, set ammonia containers around the cabin, and came up with a Macguyver-worthy trick of splicing an extension cord into a motion-sensor, then plugging aquarium pumps into the cord and feeding the attached tubes to a few ammonia containers. Poof...an acrid burst to hopefully turn away a nose-sensitive bear. Add to all of that a removal of all food items, pulling the blinds all the way closed to hopefully disguise a large picture window, and leaving a radio on at high volume, and hopefully the bear is discouraged from trying again.

* good times - dinners with the gang at PF Chang's and Samurai Sushi...tasty food and fun company.

* the Snowbirds - Canada's precision flying jet team. Much like the Blue Angels, though they flew a bit slower and held their formations for much longer [through approach, loops/turns, and exit]. Some beautiful formations like the Maple Leaf and a crossover [where one plane flew in a figure-eight around and through the others arrayed at four corners] were goosebump-inducing.

* the pit pass - if you ever go, I highly recommend getting the pit pass for a day...you get to go into an area that isn't open to the general public, walking around seeing all classes of planes parked and ready to be ogled. You also get access to some awesome standing room right at the edge of the tarmac, with great views of taxiing aircraft.

* the military section - an incredible selection of aircraft, seen up close and personal...you could even walk into/through some of them.

* the crash - the winds got ridiculous on Sunday, and sadly caused one of the pilots to tumble his sport-class plane as he was trying to land [after pulling out of the race for reasons we didn't catch]. His plane was a mess, with tail and engine gone, wings missing, but he escaped with bumps and bruises...the plane took the damage so he didn't have to. They scrubbed the remaining race of the day...a pity they didn't call it a day a bit sooner.

* Nate hanging out in the Valley of Speed - he didn't get access to the vendors, the porta-potties, or the loudspeakers for the play-by-play, but he got to stand pretty much directly under the planes as they zoomed around the back of the course. Crazy.

So there it was: my first Reno Air Race. Definitely cool, if tiring...next time, I would get a room actually in Reno to save the hours of driving daily, and I would definitely check out the Valley of Speed; I would still get the pit pass for a day, for the awesomeness of seeing a lot of the planes up close. I didn't indulge in the vendor fun the way I would have liked...there were funnel cakes and teriyaki chicken that didn't get purchased [sadness], so that would have to be remedied. All in all, though, a good time with some good friends...not a bad weekend.