no comment

no comment,
originally uploaded by tiredcynic.

I think this speaks for itself.

giggle

giggle,
originally uploaded by tiredcynic.

What were they thinking??

heartsore

Saw "The Last Kiss" tonight [Zach Braff's new film]. It hurt.

I know I'm not the only one to have been cheated on, but sometimes I wish I were...if it never happened to anyone else, then there wouldn't be movies like this, painfully human movies, with not-so-hollywood emotional scenes that are hard to watch. If I were the only one it happened to, then I wouldn't have to feel like a statistic, a sad member of a painful club that leaves you heartsore and untrusting. I wouldn't feel reduced to one of "them", another schlub who has had to pick up, move on, make hard decisions, and wonder what was wrong with them that someone could do that.

How many chances do you give? How many times do you forgive, accepting explanations and it-will-never-happen-agains? And which is worse, when they betray your trust knowingly, make the deliberate choice that hurts you, or when they do it cluelessly, because they lack empathy and ony know that they want what is in front of them at the moment, never even thinking about how it would affect you?

I've had time to think about it, experienced both types, and I feel that the clueless one is worse. If they made the decision themselves, knowing how it would hurt you, then you actually have a better chance in believing what they say going forward. It doesn't excuse what they did, but if they knew the consequences, knew what it would do to you, then chances are they are at least a little aware and can change if they want [or not...but at least it is out in the open and you can get out and move on].

But watch out the for clueless one. No empathy means they have no idea how a situation will make you feel, how it will make anyone other than themselves feel. Each situation must be handled as a new one, because they truly don't understand why you would feel the way you do. So you never know when they might hurt you again. They don't mean to, and they are very genuinely sorry when they finally see how upset you are, but it doesn't generalize for them. They've learned their lesson, but it is very specific to that instance. The next time they are in a situation that pits what they want to do against what is the right thing to do for you both, that lack of empathy has a better than average chance of having them choose what they want...and you get hurt again.

There was one line in the movie that really resonated with me...it's something I've been saying for years. Paraphrased, it's something like, "It's not how you feel or say, it's what you *do* that truly counts." Actions trump words. You can say what you want, and even feel it deeply, but it's how you act that is what really matters. Pretty words, sincere words, typed words, handwritten words...they are just so much meaningless blah-blah if your actions don't match them.

Someone once grilled me mercilessly on what my goals in life were...they didn't like my more metaphysical goals, and needed me to give concrete, discernible goals [mostly because they didn't have any themselves, and were projecting their insecurities (ah, the clarity of hindsight)]. I still stand behind my goals: to be the best person I can, to never stop working on myself, to be content and happy, and to be as true to myself as I can, have my actions match my words. Each of these goals colors any decision I make; by keeping them in mind, I can constantly adjust my course as the days tick by. By keeping these goals in sight, I can use them as a framework to base little and big decisions on...and hopefully make those decisions good ones for me.

And if time shows them to be not-so-good decisions? Adjust the course. That is always an option...always.

weekend synopsis

friday:

comedy club
rooster juice
popcorn mask
broken picture
jamie enjoying herself
catching up with david
catching up with jason
jalapeno facial adornment
throwing popcorn at jason and jeremy
jason throwing back
boddingtons
slippery nipple [the drink, you dirty-minded person]
winning $20
losing $20
drink tray frisbee with caleb
the cool bouncer
damned paparazzi

saturday:

bbq courtesy of eileen and stephane
"royal hiltons" [and lots of them]
the cool skull bracelet given to me by rebecca and diamond
caleb and the pink hat
diamond's advice
floating leaves in the updraft of the fire
cream puffs roasting on an open fire
"I'll go if you go"
people swimming, clothed or not
antichrist nipples
antebellum nipples [see above]
calvin kleins
"you're such an exhibitionist"
branding my jeans trying to dry them out by the fire
"is wiener the same as dick?"
french toast in the morning
chloe dancing
bringing home wine, sourdough bread, and turkey [and lots of them]
damned paparazzi

sunday:

recover
wonder what else I left off the lists above

2001

I was at Steve's. He was getting ready for work, showering, shaving, the standard routine. I was sitting on the edge of the bed, flipping through channels, killing time. One local station was showing some story with fire engines...the location wasn't familiar, so I changed channels. Next one was showing some other emergency...channel change. Third station, another emergency. Then it clicked: all the channels were showing the same thing. Switch to CNN.

Holy shit. The World Trade Center is on fire. There's been some sort of explosion. Yell to Steve, still in the bathroom [his family is in New York]. Keep watching.

Wait, this just in. A plane hit the tower...that is the cause of the explosion. Some horrible accident. No word yet on what happened. Update Steve. Keep watching.

Steve comes out, wrapped in a towel. We move to the living room, turn on the big TV, watch for updates.

Oh fuck. A plane has hit the second tower. It's not an accident. Reports coming in about the Pentagon being hit, another plane going down in a field somewhere.

Stunned silence. I lean into Steve, he squeezes my hand. We sit, watching, numb, confused, not quite sure what to think...it hasn't really sunk in yet. Local newscast is asking people to stay indoors if they can, stay off the phone as much as possible, keep roads clear, in case this gets bigger. All flights are grounded. Steve calls in to work; they are telling people to just stay home today, don't bother coming in. He tries to call his parents, finally gets through...everyone is okay. I call mine...they were worried, since the flights were California bound and they didn't know if I might be on one. I keep it short...love you, I'm fine, gotta keep lines open for everyone else.

Back to the couch. Back to the news, scanning the stations. Click: ashes raining down. Click: emergency workers carrying bloody bodies. Click: a woman is crying. Click: the impact of the second plane. Click: the collapse of a tower. Click: more footage of the impact. Click: a person jumping/falling from the tower. Click, click, click. We turn the volume down and just sit there for a while. Not sure what we said..."oh my god" and "what the hell?" and "who?" and "why?" and "holy shit" were in there, I'm sure. Eloquent? No. But honest.

I don't remember much about the next days and weeks. We saw that footage over and over and over again. Americans were realizing that we weren't safe...suddenly we were dealing with things that we hadn't really had to before, not on this scale. We'd been fairly fortunate up until then. Much of the world had been living with this fear and sense of violation for years, decades, centuries...and now so were we.

I donated blood, quietly, not telling anyone. It was nothing compared to what others were doing...that day created heroes, big and small, public and private. People became a bit nicer for a while, and we united in a way that crossed borders, boundaries, races, creeds, income levels.

That unity wouldn't last...but it was there when we needed it.

breakfast of champions

breakfast of champions,
originally uploaded by tiredcynic.

I can feel the sugar and nanites rushing through me!

got 'em!

got 'em!,
originally uploaded by tiredcynic.

Whoo hoo! A fruitful [chocolate-ful] trip into the city!

and early turns into later...

So just as I posted the last entry, I saw that my friend in DC was on line [4a my time equals 7a her time, when she starts her workday]. Chatted with her, catching up, then sent a quick IM to my Dad to say hey...turns out Dad was online, so I chatted with him too. Enjoyed it...we don't get to chat together much, so I loved it. And while chatting with those two, I saw that Ixalon had found the first Manchester glyph, so of course I had to update my frag collection and catch up on what the boards had to say [had to, I tells ya! no choice about it! moral imperative! really!]

Two hours later, I crawled into bed at 6:30a. :^)

Gotta love teh intrawebs...

when does "late" become "early"?

So when exactly does a late night become an early morning? Just spent the last few hours online with some LOST friends [yup, another "LOST Experience alternate reality game" post...feel free to tune out now]. There is a glyph hunt going on in Manchester, England, and I hated to leave in the middle of it. Plus there was much fun chatting with a bunch of folks that I've seen on the boards...always nice to "talk" real time with them.

The Manchester hunt is reminding me a lot of the "Urban Challenge" experience I had with Joe and Amy. Ixalon is there on-site, and he's using his mobile phone camera to blog what is happening. The folks there get clues to where three codes are hidden around Manchester, and everyone was trying to help figure them out. The first was a glyph [without code], which looked a lot like a map of streets, with dots where the glyphs might be...looks like a lot of fun. Sadly, it is now 4:40am for me, so I'd better get some sleep.

I'll catch up with it all in the morning...

wooziness

Woke up feeling woozy today...stood up, and immediately dropped back down as a wave of dizziness hit me. Not sure what's going on, but it's now after 4pm and it's still there. Nothing obvious, so just need to wait it out, I guess. Had to cancel plans I had today...was looking forward to them, too. Feels like I'm medicated, but without taking anything... very shaky, get dizzy and nauseous if I close my eyes or move too quickly, nearly blacked out in the shower. Weird. [insert "Twilight Zone" theme here]

Crawling back to the couch...keeping the center of gravity low, just in case. Curse you, evil shakiness-dizziness-inducing-thing!!

¡me gusta mis zapatos!

These make me very happy:







[ondemclicken für der flickrbloggen]

late night thoughts

I find myself thinking about John, and feeling sad and confused about what happened. There was a time when he praised me for my strength, for standing up to people who wanted more from me than I was able to give, for taking chances and fighting for myself, for battling to become self-aware, for trying to stay strong in the swirling gusts of things beyond my control: cancer, disease, whims of fate, heartache, heartbreak, chance.

But that changed when he was the one that needed more than I could give. Twenty years, and all of it gone, because he wasn't able to see that I was offering him all that I could. He had his own pains, his own heartaches, and like all humanity, there are times when our personal battles take priority over what someone else is going through. I know that. Unfortunately, this time, it cost us twenty years...and it hurts. I thought he understood, I thought he knew who I was becoming and what I'd been working against. I thought he'd see that I was on his side, and was giving him all that I could.

He'll never know how much I tried to give him what he asked for. He'll never know the nights I lay awake, trying to figure out how to make it work. And he'll never know the pain it gave me to know that I couldn't afford to give him all the shelter he wanted. Partial wasn't enough, he said...it was all or nothing. And because he was so wrapped up in his own pain, he never saw mine. He'll never know, because he didn't want to listen, to hear...the door was shut.

All or nothing. Since I couldn't give all, it had to be nothing. And twenty years was lost like that.