late night thoughts

I find myself thinking about John, and feeling sad and confused about what happened. There was a time when he praised me for my strength, for standing up to people who wanted more from me than I was able to give, for taking chances and fighting for myself, for battling to become self-aware, for trying to stay strong in the swirling gusts of things beyond my control: cancer, disease, whims of fate, heartache, heartbreak, chance.

But that changed when he was the one that needed more than I could give. Twenty years, and all of it gone, because he wasn't able to see that I was offering him all that I could. He had his own pains, his own heartaches, and like all humanity, there are times when our personal battles take priority over what someone else is going through. I know that. Unfortunately, this time, it cost us twenty years...and it hurts. I thought he understood, I thought he knew who I was becoming and what I'd been working against. I thought he'd see that I was on his side, and was giving him all that I could.

He'll never know how much I tried to give him what he asked for. He'll never know the nights I lay awake, trying to figure out how to make it work. And he'll never know the pain it gave me to know that I couldn't afford to give him all the shelter he wanted. Partial wasn't enough, he said...it was all or nothing. And because he was so wrapped up in his own pain, he never saw mine. He'll never know, because he didn't want to listen, to hear...the door was shut.

All or nothing. Since I couldn't give all, it had to be nothing. And twenty years was lost like that.