heartsore

Saw "The Last Kiss" tonight [Zach Braff's new film]. It hurt.

I know I'm not the only one to have been cheated on, but sometimes I wish I were...if it never happened to anyone else, then there wouldn't be movies like this, painfully human movies, with not-so-hollywood emotional scenes that are hard to watch. If I were the only one it happened to, then I wouldn't have to feel like a statistic, a sad member of a painful club that leaves you heartsore and untrusting. I wouldn't feel reduced to one of "them", another schlub who has had to pick up, move on, make hard decisions, and wonder what was wrong with them that someone could do that.

How many chances do you give? How many times do you forgive, accepting explanations and it-will-never-happen-agains? And which is worse, when they betray your trust knowingly, make the deliberate choice that hurts you, or when they do it cluelessly, because they lack empathy and ony know that they want what is in front of them at the moment, never even thinking about how it would affect you?

I've had time to think about it, experienced both types, and I feel that the clueless one is worse. If they made the decision themselves, knowing how it would hurt you, then you actually have a better chance in believing what they say going forward. It doesn't excuse what they did, but if they knew the consequences, knew what it would do to you, then chances are they are at least a little aware and can change if they want [or not...but at least it is out in the open and you can get out and move on].

But watch out the for clueless one. No empathy means they have no idea how a situation will make you feel, how it will make anyone other than themselves feel. Each situation must be handled as a new one, because they truly don't understand why you would feel the way you do. So you never know when they might hurt you again. They don't mean to, and they are very genuinely sorry when they finally see how upset you are, but it doesn't generalize for them. They've learned their lesson, but it is very specific to that instance. The next time they are in a situation that pits what they want to do against what is the right thing to do for you both, that lack of empathy has a better than average chance of having them choose what they want...and you get hurt again.

There was one line in the movie that really resonated with me...it's something I've been saying for years. Paraphrased, it's something like, "It's not how you feel or say, it's what you *do* that truly counts." Actions trump words. You can say what you want, and even feel it deeply, but it's how you act that is what really matters. Pretty words, sincere words, typed words, handwritten words...they are just so much meaningless blah-blah if your actions don't match them.

Someone once grilled me mercilessly on what my goals in life were...they didn't like my more metaphysical goals, and needed me to give concrete, discernible goals [mostly because they didn't have any themselves, and were projecting their insecurities (ah, the clarity of hindsight)]. I still stand behind my goals: to be the best person I can, to never stop working on myself, to be content and happy, and to be as true to myself as I can, have my actions match my words. Each of these goals colors any decision I make; by keeping them in mind, I can constantly adjust my course as the days tick by. By keeping these goals in sight, I can use them as a framework to base little and big decisions on...and hopefully make those decisions good ones for me.

And if time shows them to be not-so-good decisions? Adjust the course. That is always an option...always.