merry today

If you celebrate the day, the season, or just being alive, I hope today is good for you.

the gift of time

Four years ago today, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. We've had four years more than we thought we might, and I am glad for every moment.

I love you, Mom.

not a redhead, sorry

So an ex-girlfriend of a friend of mine "just knows" that he and I have been having an affair for more than a year now [because why else would he have broken up with her?]. She has even had a friend drive by my house and take pictures, and then driven by my house herself, hoping to catch him cheating on her [never mind the fact that they have been broken up for months so it wouldn't have been "cheating" even if anything *had* been going on]. She also apparently made her accusations known in one of her blogs, using my full name...which was then used by both her friend [the one that drove by] and his ex-twice-removed to track me down.

Lucky me, I am now fortunate enough to have been targeted by that other ex too...according to her, I am a redheaded co-worker that has been scamming on him for months. [Hint: check out any number of the pics on my blog here and you'll see that I'm not quite a redhead. For that matter, read back a few months and you'll see that I was quite happily "scamming on" someone else for many months...no room for another guy there, sorry.]

I get needing to blame somebody/anybody for a dying relationship, be it friendship or otherwise...I really do. It's hard to accept that someone doesn't want to be with you anymore, so it's easier to move on if you can hang the 'why' on someone else. And I get lashing out in pain at being left behind...at least, I can understand the motivation behind it. But I don't understand actually doing it, especially involving a third party who is outside it all. And I don't like having people that I don't even know make such severe judgments about me, especially when they are based on assumptions and conjecture that have no root in fact.

So now here I am, having to research restraining orders and subpoenas for logs and email, for three different people whom I have never met and never had anything to do with, just in case I am forced to take action. Can't say I ever expected to be in this situation... >.<

so...life...

It's good. Work is work, but not stressing since it's a paycheck. Forcibly taking control of life-outside-work [wow, there really *is* such a thing] and making it mine. Had an awesome time at the Live105 Not So Silent Night concert...The Killers were incredible, laughed my ass off at the Bloc Party lead singer that couldn't keep from watching himself in the overhead screens, enjoyed being a "Not So Subtle VIP" [commemorative hoodie, free parking, straight-to-the-front-of-the-line admission, our own bar, and decent seats just to the right of the stage]. A spate of drama a bit ago, but that seems to be settling down [knock on wood]. Working on balancing work and life a bit more, erring in the 'life' direction where I can; been taking better care of myself, though sleeping a little less...but by choice lately, so zero complaints.

All in all, enjoying life and where I am at the moment. Huzzah.

wise words

From a book I'm reading [re-reading]:

Two characters are having a handfasting ceremony, and the Elder says to them:

"This bond, this joining, is not meant to be a fetter. A joining is a partnership, not two people becoming one. Two minds cannot fuse, two souls cannot merge, two hearts cannot keep to the same time. If two are foolish enough to try this, one must overwhelm the other, and that is not love, nor is it compassion, nor responsibility. You are two who choose to walk the same path, to bridge the differences between you with love. You must remember and respect those differences and learn to understand them, for they are part of what made you come to love in the first place. Love is patient, love is willing to compromise - love is willing to admit it is wrong. There will be hard times; you must face them as bound warriors do, side by side, not using the weapon of your knowledge to tear at each other. There will be sadness as well as joy, and you must support one another through the grief and sorrow. There will be pain - but pain shared is pain halved, as joy shared is joy doubled, and you each must sacrifice your own comfort to share the pain of the other. And yet, you must do all this and manage to keep each other from wrong actions, for a joining means that you also pledge to help one another at all times. You must lead each other by example. Guide and be willing to be guided. Being joined does not mean that you accept what is truly wrong; being joined means that you must strive that you both remain in the light and in the right. You must not pledge yourselves thinking that you can change each other. That is rankest folly, and disrespectful, for no one has the right to change another. You must not pledge yourselves thinking that there will be no strife between you. That is fantasy, for you are two and not one, and there will inevitably come conflict that it will be up to you to resolve. You must not pledge yourselves thinking that all will be well from this moment on. That is a dream, and dreamers must eventually wake. You must come to this joining fully ready, fully committed, and fully respectful of each other."

a break in the clouds

One of the best weeks I've had in a very long time. Saw the new Bond movie and Transporter 3. Got some really productive stuff done at work. My VIP tickets to Live105's 'Not So Silent Night' came in, which should be an awesome show: The Killers, Death Cab for Cutie, Bloc Party, Franz Ferdinand, and Jack's Mannequin. Can't wait.

I spent Thanksgiving at Karen and Bob's, their annual 'Waifs & Strays' gathering...so good to catch up with Karen, Bob, Jeff, Vince, Wayne, Steen, Jeff [a different Jeff], and to meet some really interesting new people. I miss Karen...it had been a couple of years since we'd seen each other, and when I got there, it was like no time had passed at all. Fun drive in the fog back over 17, got the cats taken care of, and crashed into bed.

Friday was spent avoiding the crazy shoppers [an annual tradition for me]. The rest of the weekend flew by way too quickly...went out one night and had a great time just chilling, bopping to music, people watching; slept in the next morning, did some random stuff, then crawled back into bed [contented sigh]. Movie marathon one night. Found a CPK in Palo Alto that I hadn't realized was there. Walking, wandering. Kicking back on the couch, remote nearby, annoying cat trying to jump up every 15 minutes. Starbucks Caramel Apple Cider. Panda Express. Reading. Sharing music. Web surfing. Hanging out.

In short: I was able to just *be* for a while. Bliss.

The only downside was no sleep [say hello to my friend insomnia], which led to me having to call in Monday and stay home and medicate. But you know what? I have no complaints.

No complaints at all.

time flies

For Halloween this year, a group of us on our floor came to work in pajamas [comfy!], which I had done waaay back in 2002 [and hopped on a plane to Vegas right after work...most comfortable plane ride I've ever had]. Seeing pictures from this Halloween reminded me that I had pictures of me from that first Halloween, plus one taken a few years later...so I now present to you:

"Eeyore & Stacey Through the Years"

kick ass(et)

I finally made the time to do something that I've been meaning to do for a while: revamp the Facebook 'Asset Disposal Form'. I love doing this stuff...it's creative, retentive, takes logic and planning to get all the information you need in a fixed amount of space. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out, too, which doesn't hurt...it's not quite up to professional standards, but it's definitely better than what we had.

Before:
After:
[compression degraded the quality a bit, but you get the idea...]

a creepycool side effect

Battling an indelicate ailment [let's just call it "intestinal" and leave it at that]...not a happy time. But the 'tongue turns black' side effect of bismuth offers a bit of distraction...

huh...whaddya know??

http://www.ew.com/ew/gallery/0,,20152943_20153287_20239984_5,00.html

clear your heart

One of the lessons I've been lucky enough to learn over the years has been to recognize when fear is ruling me. It keeps us from doing a lot of things, from taking a lot of chances that are presented to us. We shy away from opportunities and lose a lot of potential because of fear. What if it doesn't work? Oh crap, what if it *does*? What if they say no? What if they say yes?? What if I fall flat on my face? What if it isn't the right decision? What if I fail?

Fear of change, fear of the unfamiliar and the unknown...it's very human. We struggle with it every day. The key is not letting it rule you, not letting it make your decisions for you. If you don't risk failure, then you don't risk success. You can't fly if you never jump. And if time shows the decision doesn't work out the way you hoped, then correct your course. Make the effort. Keep moving. Keep growing.

I think about that a lot...it's easy to get complacent, to cling to the familiar. Every once in a while, you need a perspective check, a reminder to look around and examine the opportunities you might have in front of you. Which is why these lyrics really resonate with me:

"And sometimes I get nervous
when I see an open door.
Close your eyes,
clear your heart...

...cut the cord."

a unique flower

Standing around with a group of friends and acquaintances outside work a little while ago, chatting about anything and nothing. The talk turned to love lives and dating and current status...when it got to my turn, I just quietly shrugged. One friend gave me a small hug and said, "Hey, think of this: you'll have an easier time finding someone like *him* than he will finding someone like *you*." Then others chimed in...words and phrases like "unique", "definitely one-of-a-kind", "unusual", "rare", "special", "hard to categorize". I added "freak", "weirdo", and "mutant" to the mix, which set off another round.

It was embarrassing, flattering, sweet, and not a little uncomfortable...and I thank each one of them for it.

i tried

I tried to poke my head out this week, to be a bit more social. And while it was good to be able to hang out with people I click with, I realized that I'm not there yet. Further along, but still not there. It took a lot of energy to maintain the mask. I didn't realize how much until the next morning...I woke up with swollen jaw, painful neck/shoulders, and a blinding headache. A large part of it stemmed from the dental fun the prior morning [hours in a dental chair apparently aggravated my damaged C4 vertebra], and then the strain of the previous evening took opportunistic root and stayed. Ended up having to stay home, with ice packs and ibuprofen, trying to stay as still as possible. So now I'm behind at work, still hurting [the jaw/tooth is much better, but the neck and shoulders are still fighting], and stressing about losing the pay and having to work extra overtime to keep my paycheck stable [especially with the dental expense that just hit].

So now I crawl back into my shell, and vow to listen to myself more closely next time...

no fancy words

Just an immense amount of awe and pride at being here during this historic time.

tapping out

I'm tapping out. I'm done for a while. Need to cocoon. Thank you all for your support...please respect the need for distance right now.

what next??

One of my molars is chipped...a little chunk is missing along the edge. No idea how it happened...trying to get an appointment to get it taken care of.

Joyfulness.

20081028.0855: My dentist squeezed me in this morning...off I go.

20081028.1100: Weak spot along filling caused a chunk of enamel to break off. Nothing could have prevented it, which is good news. Bad news: even with insurance, I'm likely going to have to pay about $900 out of pocket to get it taken care of. Have a follow-up appointment tomorrow, and then the procedure happens next Wednesday.

shuffle play is effing killing me

Pops in headphones, hits play...


"...You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And every time tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
And someday you will be loved..."


Next track, dammit.


"...All I know
Is that my days go on and on
Without you here, without you here
My days go on and on
Without you here, without you here..."


Oh for the love of...next track.


"...I wanna believe in someone
I wanna believe in something
I wanna believe that I can love again
I wanna believe in someone
I wanna believe in something
I wanna believe that I can love again..."


Sigh. Seriously?? Shit...next track.


"...I’m not over
I’m not over you just yet
Cannot hide it
You’re not that easy to forget..."


No. Just...no. Next.


"...The feeling sometimes
Wishing you were someone else
Feeling as though
You never belong
This feeling is not sadness
This feeling is not joy..."


Gah. Weep. Next.


"...I'm sittin' here all by myself
Just tryin' to think of something to do
Tryin' to think of something, anything
Just to keep me from thinking of you
But you know it's not working out
'Cause you're all that's on my mind
One thought of you is all it takes
To leave the rest of the world behind

Well I didn't mean for this to go as far as it did
And I didn't mean to get so close and share what we did
And I didn't mean to fall in love, but I did
And you didn't mean to love me back
But I know you did

I'm sittin' here tryin' to convince myself
That you're not the one for me
But the more I think, the less I believe it
And the more I want you here with me..."


[quietly wraps headphones around mp3 player and puts it away]

thank you, susy...

Saw Richard Cheese at Bimbo's in SF with Susy last night. A good time, fun and cheesy, and ended up being a much-needed escape...it's hard to stay stuck in your own head when a guy in a fuzzy tiger print tuxedo jacket is singing "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails in full-on lounge style.

Love you, Suse...

time flies

Started full-time at Facebook a year ago today.

of course

Furnace isn't working. 54 degrees in the house.

Joy.

Update - 20081017: still no furnace...apparently they are waiting for parts.

20081022: still waiting

20081024: the landlord's handyman husband finally gave up...they will be calling someone today

sigh

Been throwing up this morning...but because of the changes at work, I can't afford to call in sick.

another blow

Handed news at work about changes to my position that affect my pay and how I will have to do the job. Effective tomorrow.

I'm strong enough, okay?? Please no more...please.

realization

Slowly realizing that, for many reasons, this specific time is the worst I've been through so far. Even the whole divorce and betrayal and feeling abandoned and totally alone and everything else that came with that...even that wasn't as soul-searingly draining as this.

One reason is that I'm *feeling* all of this. During the hell that came with the divorce, I shut down...I literally can't remember huge patches of time. Oh, it hurt, like nothing I'd felt before, but it was like an overload switch kicked in and shunted some of it away because it was too much.

I'm stronger now, and I know more about myself, what I want, what is out there. And that is precisely what is making this harder to bear...the numbness isn't coming, because of the strength I gained during earlier trials. From those experiences, I've gained the ability to continue functioning through hard times. The irony of being so strong that it makes me weaker is a cruel joke...

Adding to that is the knowledge and understanding and comprehension I gained through life, pain, experience. The weight of what will happen when my parents' health fails; the hard-earned awareness of just what I want and need in a partner, which means I can't and won't compromise who I am just to have someone; the wonderful thrill of having had an amazing connection with someone, which now serves to remind me of its loss and its lack and its rarity...all this and a thousand other things combine to make this a severe test of all that makes me "me".

I know I'll come through it...there is no other option. I just wish I could know for certain that there would be some gain, some reward, something that would make me able to look back and say it was hard, but worth it. On better days, I tell myself that and almost believe it...but there are the more realistic days when I just can't quite believe in karma or balance or the concept of "fair", days when it feels like this is all there is.

I try hard to be a good person, daughter, partner, friend. I can't do anything _but_ try...it's not in me to give up. And I know that life will get better...

...but right now it hurts.

new shirt

new shirt,
originally uploaded by tiredcynic.

facebook celebrates today

One of the language options for Facebook is now "English (Pirate)".

Yarrr...

please...

Please...

...don't tell me that I'll find someone else.

...don't tell me that it's for the best.

...don't tell me that "this too, shall pass".

...don't try to fix me up with anyone. Maybe later...not right now.

...don't tell me to "just cheer up". And don't tell me to smile.

...don't tell me how your heartbreak was worse. It may have been, and we'll talk about it later, but right now, I need to focus on me.

...don't dismiss or downplay how I feel. It's all very real and very valid to me.

Please...

...do listen, if you can, if you want. And if you don't, then...

...do feel free to tell me that you don't want to deal with me right now. It's okay, I'd prefer the honesty.

...do accept that I'm going to be down for a while, until I work through it.

...do feel free to say "that really sucks".

...do feel free to ask me if I want to get together. But please don't take
it personally if I don't have the energy for it just yet. Soon...but not yet.

...do feel free to ask me about him. He's an awesome guy, and I love to talk about him and the times we shared.

And most importantly:

Please know that I am very lucky to have the people around me that I do...thank you for looking out for me.

going radio silent for a while

Most likely, anyway. Saying goodbye to Brian this weekend, then getting onto plane to spend a week with my parents...after that, I guess we'll just have to see.

oh dear

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7585632.stm

a milestone

Facebook hit 100 million active members late yesterday. [50 million was in November...]

thanks, everyone

Thanks and hugs to my peeps, co-workers, losties, and random strangers...the birthday wishes are awesome and much appreciated.

and the fun keeps coming

Didn't manage to get back to sleep. Was awakened by snarling, growling, hissing cats. Pepper has shown a tendency to go into total berzerker mode when a cat comes up to the house [somewhere there is a blog post with a photo of my raked-up and bleeding arm to prove it]...and one decided it wanted to sit on my outside windowsill this morning.

Rowr. Ffft. Snarl. Yowl.

And silly Bean gets herself caught in the cross-fire, so now both of them are hissing and growling at each other, all puffy-tailed and googly-eyed. She is now hunkered down in the office, giving the occasional "leave me the fuck alone" growl, and Pepper is patrolling the windows, tail swishing, ridge of fur on his back standing straight up.

A frakkin' comedy, today is. Or a tragedy. Perhaps dramedy.

Sigh.

ugh

Rough night and morning already...wasn't feeling well yesterday, rough day at work, nearly-impossible deadline due. Came home and spent the evening taking care of a very sick, very feverish friend [ice packs, ibuprofen, sympathy...couldn't really do much else, but I tried]. Then was awakened in the wee hours of the morning by the sound of a glass falling off the nightstand [gotta learn to watch those flailing arms while sleeping]. A nearly-full glass. Of orange juice.

Cleanup on aisle six.

Now to try to snooze for a little bit before starting the day for real...

happy today, mom and dad

I love you...very much.

the beginning of the end

My last real weekend with Brian...these next two weeks are going to be rough.

saying goodbye

Dinner with Lawrence and the littles last night...my last chance to spend time with them before they move south. A good evening, just kicking back with them and Brian, sharing time. Made sure to say 'see you soon', not 'goodbye'...but was still hard.

ow

Double migraines last night...sparklies, lost half of field of vision, pain, then an hour later it started all over again. Still fighting aches and a pounding head...ow.

taking risks

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool
To weep is to risk being called sentimental
To reach out to another is to risk involvement

To expose feelings is to risk showing your true self
To place your ideas and your dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naïve

To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair and,
To try is to risk failure

But risks must be taken
The greatest risk in life is to risk nothing
The person who risks nothing... does nothing, has nothing, and becomes nothing

He may avoid suffering and sorrow
But he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live
Chained by his servitude, he is a slave
He has forfeited his freedom

Only the person who risks is truly free.

-- William Arthur Ward

awakening

She woke up crying. She didn't notice the tears for a few moments...instead, she realized that she was curled in a ball, hugging herself and a pillow, with an ache in her chest. She couldn't quite remember her dreams, just snippets here and there, fleeting bits of emotion that were fading quickly. As she rubbed her waking eyes, her hand came away wet...and that was when she noticed she was still crying. Not huge gasping sobs, just quiet tears slowly making their way down her cheeks. And still she had no idea why the tears, why the ache, why the sadness.

She sighed, got up, and started her day.

quick summary, more later

Defcon was awesome, excellent geeking out with Brian, good panels, lost Blackberry, hung with Grifter and the gang during parts of the Mystery Challenge [they won...w00t], little sleep, experiments with NoDoz, watching "The Italian Job", Star Trek Experience, discovered Star Trek convention was in town too, sad bittersweet moments when reality and ticking time hit hard, flight delayed coming back, exhausted, congrats to Lawrence on new job and confirmed move date, sadness for me as *that* reality hits hard.

Too many reality hits in too short a time...

never enough time

Hectic times at work; today is packed, much to get done before we fly to Defcon tonight. Lots of deadlines coming up, both at work and in personal life...endings, beginnings, continuings. Some rough times ahead...I'll make it through [no choice], but getting between now and then is going to be draining.

smiles, everyone, smiles

Some pics from the Sonoma Chicken Coop with the Data Domain gang...

treasuring time

From "Time" by Ben's Brother:

A second, a minute, an hour, a day and it's gone
Little by little it fritters away
Try as you may you can never replace it
A moment of beauty you stumble upon,
As long as you treasure whatever it is,
Whatever it is could never be wasted

So if we all turn to dust
Better to've loved and lost
'Cause everything has a cost

wisdom

From Firefly, "Heart of Gold" episode:

"...I ain't so afraid of losing something that I ain't gonna try to have it."

chosen family

timing

From "Strangers in Paradise", trade volume 15:

Therapist: "Francine didn't leave you, baby...neither did David. They just had to move on with their lives. And that's okay. That's just life. That's what people do. And you have to let them go."

Katchoo: "Why?"

Therapist: "Because one day you're going to meet someone special -- someone who will love you and won't leave you. You don't want to miss it because you were looking over your shoulder at the past."

mmmm, spaghetti

This is simply amazing. I can't stop watching it.



Courtesy of the folks at eatPES...be sure to check out their other stuff. It's all kinds of awesome.

monty python meets star trek

catching up

Tired. Work is getting to me...only so much energy to go around, and the mask is having to suffer. Things outside work go well, but with some very bittersweet overtones and heartache on the horizon. Trying to live 'now' and enjoy where my path has brought me...the whole "don't trouble trouble 'til it troubles you" approach. Never enough time for the things I want to do and the people I want to be with, and always too much that has to be done. Individual moments and periods of surprising contentment and happiness...wouldn't trade those for anything, even with the near future looming. Just need to shut up the 'yeahbutwhatif' part of me so I can relax into now. Easier said than done...

wanna buy 2 'projekt revolution' tix?

Going to DefCon that weekend, so have two tickets to 'Projekt Revolution' Saturday, August 9th at Shoreline to sell...let me know if you are interested. :^)

too strong?

The lonely night is taunting her
Nowhere to hide, no safe escape
Locked tight within her skull and heart
The pressure builds, the dam will break

The dam will break, she hopes, she dreams
Release will come and pain will ebb
But bastard walls are holding strong
No respite there inside her head

Inside her head the shadows grow
Watching, waiting, cruelly tease
Catharsis come, she begs, she cries
She only wants a moment's peace

A moment's peace would give her hope
Tools to handle what must be
She doesn't ask for cure complete
Just a chance to set them free

Set them free, her feelings strong
Allow the pressure to surcease
Reset the gauge to bottom line
Giving her some sweet release

Sweet release, however brief
A simple chance to charge and breathe
To loosen up, to live and do
And be and go and try and see

To try and see what life can give
Without the shade that few can see
Damn the lack of cleansing tears
This lonely night is taunting me

i have long said...

...that naps are highly under-rated in our society. Maybe we can change that...this is a start:

http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/naps/

watching

the universe laughs
no cruel intentions
though the subject would be
hard pressed
to see the difference

the universe mourns
attributes and values
must be honed like steel
but it hurts
to cause hurt

the universe sleeps
seed planted
fertile ground with potential
tools granted
time to release

the universe nods
as awareness dawns
lessons acknowledged from pain
eyes opened
progress made

the universe smiles
set on the path
given a chance to sink or swim
she sees her child
fly

learning

A sad and inevitable fact of life is that the most meaningful knowledge and wisdom often come from experience, pain, and loss of innocence. It is rare to gain significant insight without there being a painful catalyst...in fact, for many, introspection doesn't come even then. I envy them. Over the past few years, I've learned a lot about myself, my motivations, my wants, my needs, my wishes. And while I wouldn't trade that knowledge, and I am glad for what I've gained, I mourn the loss of innocence and naïveté. Even when the lessons learned have helped me get closer to who I would like to be, there is still a part of me that knows that ignorance is bliss.

Another side effect of this 'knowledge of self' is that you become more discerning...you learn what is important to you, what you will and won't compromise on. Again, this is a brilliant thing to know about yourself, but it has its flip side: it means that your criteria have narrowed, making it harder to find matches. Jobs, friends, food, love, places to live...everything is affected by the 'narrowing down' of likes and dislikes. Again, not a bad thing...it keeps you from accepting less than you deserve, it helps you recognize when you are not content, hopefully gives you the ability to see what is healthier for you. There are a lot of advantages to the self-awareness that comes from paying attention to the lessons life has to give.

So how do you not let knowledge gained make you jaded, tired, and cynical as time wears on?

happy birthday, da!!

Love you muchly, miss you muchly...

frost shock injury

Man, casting Frost Shock can be dangerous...but it's not supposed to be dangerous to the caster. Sheesh.


Hanging with some friends Friday night, goofing around, and I step down a little too hard on a wooden floor [wearing only socks] when I cast Frost Shock at someone. This was the result.

How random.

Don't know what I'm talking about? Here you go:



"FROST SHOCK!!!"

update on 'residential email' telephone billing fraud

Just had a very good experience with AT&T regarding the ESBI / Residential Email, LLC fraud I posted about a while back...check out the comments of the original post to see what happened, and to see the stories of others that have run into the same thing.

The whole 'third-party billing' loophole is a big one that allows anyone with your phone number to sign you up online for services and have recurring charges added automatically to your phone bill, all without your knowledge. Ideally, AT&T would have a policy that requires authorization FROM THE PHONE NUMBER BEING BILLED before adding a service [something like how credit card companies require you to call from your home phone number to activate a new card]. That would be much harder to fake, and would ultimately reduce the phone company's administrative costs of dealing with these issues, make the practice less profitable for the less-reputable companies, while still making it available to consumers who want those services.

If you get caught in this, please write your phone company [email or paper] and ask for the ability to block third-party billing. The more of us that ask, the more power we have.

[A FAVOR PLEASE: IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO COMMENT, PLEASE DO SO ON THE ORIGINAL POST. THANKS MUCH...]

more shatner awesomeness

Who knew that Shatner and Joe Jackson would mesh so well together??

[bonus: watch for Joe's little giggle after Shatner emotes about tourists :^) ]

kirk sings 'common people'

Awesomely awesome:

bummer

Went to give blood at the Facebook blood drive today, but couldn't follow through because of my tattoo [sadness]. The Red Cross will allow donation if a tattoo was done at a state-regulated facility [which all legal California ones are, and which I checked out very carefully before getting the ink done], but Stanford is extra cautious and requires a year's wait.

Bummer. But now I know how I'll help Facebook ring in the new year...

not a weirdo

A very flattering moment yesterday...was sitting on a bench reading, sipping on a chai latte, decompressing for a few minutes before heading back to the grind. A guy rode by on a bike, turned around, came back, and asked me if I'd like some company. I smiled, said, "Nah, I'm good...but thanks." He asked if I was sure, then we wished each other a great day and he rode off.

Later, as I'm walking back to the office, he comes out of the bike shop next door [timing, eh?]. He sees me, we smile, and he says, "I'm not a weirdo...I thought you were pretty, and looked like someone I'd like to know." We chat a bit, trade names, then off we go.

A nice interlude in a hectic day...

promise

This was read by the groom's cousin at MyFriendJen's wedding this past weekend...it really resonated with me.

PROMISE
by Dorothy Colgan

I promise to give you the best of myself
and to ask of you no more than you can give.

I promise to respect you as your own person
and to realise that your interests, desires and needs
are no less important than my own.

I promise to share with you my time and my attention
and to bring joy, strength and imagination
to our relationship.

I promise to keep myself open to you,
to let you see through the window of my world into my
innermost fears and feelings, secrets and dreams.

I promise to grow along with you,
to be willing to face changes in order to keep our
relationship alive and exciting.

I promise to love you in good times and in bad,
with all I have to give and all I feel inside
in the only way I know how.

Completely and forever.

toed you so

Trip to Urgent Care today...whacked my foot on the tub as I stepped out of the shower, and a toe decided to protest by going all purple and puffy. Toughed it out through this morning's Oracle testing, but hied myself off to get x-rays right after. Luckily, no fracture, but it was iffy...they had to have the radiologist confirm the diagnosis. Treatment is the same either way, broken or contused: wrap the toes, ice them, take ibuprofen, keep the foot elevated, no strenuous activity. If broken, they would be wrapped for 2-4 weeks, but now it's just a week [whew].

I'm bummed about no working out, though...it's a good outlet. And I just signed up with a gym, too...figures.

The universe is laughing her ass off at me right now...

told you so

Got my replacement t-shirt yesterday...you've gotta love how it was addressed:


ChopShop rocks.

[and in case you were wondering, the shirt is still too big...I'm just not built for regular 'boxy' shirt styles. But it will make a fine workout shirt...maybe there will be some other geeks in the gym that will get a smile out of it.]

i miss her

She had an eight-track player in her car...I remember riding beside her, both of us singing to "Hit the Road Jack" and "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover" [to this day, any time I hear Ray belt out "What you say??", I smile]. She had a Kit Kat clock in her kitchen, black with jeweled bow-tie and eyes. She made excellent fried eggs, by which all others are judged. There was a weird marbled rubber mat in front of her sink, very squishy and soft to stand on, and a white metal cabinet with glass in the doors, where she stored her bowls. We spent a lot of time in that kitchen, made happy memories.

There was a light green metal chair on her porch, the kind that bounced a bit when you rocked back in them, solid but with small swirly cut-outs in the back. I don't remember any rust on it, but there must have been...those things always rust. This was at her smaller place, later on...there are also my memories of the big place back in the woods, with the outhouse [and the supply of prune juice <grin> ], playing in the attic, lots of wood everywhere, indoors and out. Happy times with family, back when innocence still ruled the day, before the realities of life hit and pushed me along the 'growing up' path.

She smiled a lot, laughed easily, hugged freely. She was comfort and peace and unconditional love. She stayed with us at the end, and I'm glad of that time. She was an amazing person, and I was lucky to have what little time we did. I often wonder what she would think of who I am today, and wish I could share with her some of the things that I've seen and done, have her meet people that are important to me, and share her with them.

I miss my grandma...it's been years since she left, and she still pops into my thoughts. I have my own Kit Kat clock now, and I make my own fried eggs...but it's just not the same.

atypical

Going to my friend Jen's wedding today; wearing a dress and sandals (yup, twice in a dress in less than a month...surely a sign of the apocalypse). Get to my friend Lawrence's place (he's my +1 tonight) and realize that the heel of my shoe is broken. Shit.

We hit the mall, I head into Payless. I scan the shelves...I see a pair, find my size, try one on, grab the box, head to the register.

Elapsed time: less than a minute. I stood in line for longer than it took me to find the shoes.

That's how I roll. :^)

more t-shirt giggles

I returned the too-large t-shirt, and got an awesome email in reply. Turns out it actually *was* a women's shirt...according to the very cool person who replied, they "had people ask for a non "girly" fit which makes sense considering our audience", so they phased out the more fitted women's shirt that had been on the site.

This is the line that I loved: "the other issue is that 3% of our sales are to women… so the variant suffers from a lack of attention. ;)"

That's our Stacey: a 3% variant that suffers from a lack of attention.

no spoilers here

The midnight-thirty showing of "Indiana Jones" (free tickets and free popcorn FTW).

No comments on the movie yet...shan't spoil it for you.

yup, it was an 'ouch'...

Picked up my MINI today. Some good news: the brake rotors were fine, just the pads needed replacing. The bad news: it still set me back $1800 [plus 3 gallons of gas for the loaner].

Ouch.

[Some possibly good news: my mileage has gone from about 22mpg to 27mpg [yay!]. We'll see how that does over a longer period, but it's good to see some improvement. I doubt it will be $1800 worth of improvement, but anything helps...]

happy today, mom

Happy birthday, Mom...I love you, I miss you, I thank you for everything you've given me.

bend over and say 'ouch'

$2100 to repair my car [power steering hose is leaking, suspension brushing is worn through and needs replaced, rear brakes need replaced]. First major repairs needed in the six years I've had him, but still...

Ouch.

a bittersweet compliment

A former 'sharer-of-paths' told me recently that he "fucked up by letting me go". It was a short conversation, and a sad one...he said that he hadn't truly appreciated what I brought to his life, and wished that he'd known what he had at the time. He told me that whoever I choose to share my life with will be a lucky person, and to tell them he said so.

It was sweet, and flattering, and yet I'm not sure what his point was in telling me. Was he hoping I would say we should give it another chance? Was he angling for a return compliment and a singing of his praises? Or was he simply caught in one of those introspective cycles many of us trip over, where we play 'woulda-coulda-shoulda' with the decision forks of our past?

I chose to take it at face value and say simply, "Thank you". Whatever his motivation, it was a sweet thing to say, and kind of him to take the time and make the effort to tell me. And as for "being a lucky person", I've no idea what the future will bring me, but I do hope that when I do choose to share the path with someone, they feel as fortunate to be with me as I will to be with them. That's a good foundation for a relationship: where each person feels they are ridiculously lucky to be with the other.

So thank you for the kind words, sweet man...they are much appreciated.

history being made

I'm glad I was here to see it. I'm proud of the California Supreme Court.

color me stunned

So I pull out my Andrew Lloyd Webber "Essentials" album tonight and glance through the titles. The standards are there, and there is a listing of who sings what. Blah blah, name, someone, John Barrowman, someone else, wait, what????

Quick!! To imdb!! Must know!!

[taptaptypetap]

Sure enough...it's *that* John Barrowman. Awesomely awesome awesome-sauce. Now I must listen to tracks 3, 6, 10, 14, and 17 again, picturing Captain Jack singing...

yeesh

It should not be 78 degrees at quarter 'til 9 in the morning, especially in the Bay Area.

Forecast for tomorrow is a high of 101...and that's in the normally cooler peninsula cities.

Ugh.

poorly worded

Cleaning out my spam folder, and saw yet another 'male enhancement' offer...but the subject on this one made me laugh:

"Set your wife on fire"

paths

Those of you who know me have seen this before:

This symbol means a lot to me, and it gives me inspiration, comfort, and peace. Over the years, I've imbued it with a lot of meaning:

The circle represents entirety and the universe as a whole; the lines represent the complexity and interconnectedness within that whole. Everything we do affects others, has a ripple effect.

The four quadrants represent head, heart, health, and hearth, reminding me to nurture and appreciate my intellect, my emotions, my physical state, and my family [both blood and chosen]. Balance, perspective, priorities.

The design itself reminds me that paths cross, they run parallel, and they diverge...it's all a part of life. This more than anything is closest to my heart...the way our lives intersect, with effects immediate, long-term, and sometimes never truly understood. You never know which connection will impact you, will trigger other events, or will be a catalyst in your life.

I search for this symbol in every Celtic store I come across. I have a sticker of it on my car, it is on my 'geek for hire' business cards, it's embossed on my wallet, and I once had a ring with a simpler version of it [passed on as a token to one who shared a path with me for a while].

It's a touchstone for me, a good reminder of the things that are important to me; it helps remind me to keep perspective in the maelstrom that can be daily life.

Not bad for a few swirly lines...

on maturity

A quote I really like, that I got from Dear Abby of all places:

"Maturity is the ability to control our impulses, to think beyond the moment, and consider how our words and our actions will affect ourselves and others before we act."

on stacey, part two

A while ago, I ordered the world's most awesome t-shirt, with silhouettes of 51 different famous robots [see it in all its awesomeness at http://www.chopshopstore.com/product.php?productid=16187 ]. The demand was high, they ran out of stock, my shirt was back-ordered, apologies, we promise this is not our normal turnaround time. So I waited. And waited. And waited.

It finally arrived last night [hurrah!!]. But it was a men's shirt, not a women's, and so far too large for me [boo!]. I contact the company, they respond very quickly and ask me to ship it back to them, and they'll give me a free bonus tee for the trouble.

This is the part I love: "sorry for that… we get so few womens orders by comparison, the fulfillment people often miss that."

Heh...yet another way Stacey is a little, shall we say, "unusual". :^)

on stacey

Quotes from a very dear friend, about my unusual nature:

"i mean really, how many chicks would willingly leave a prom to go see speed racer?"

and

"or have a tat from a graphic novel?"

Heh. :^)

the formal side of stacey

The Facebook Formal, aka "The Black & White Ball", aka "The Facebook Prom". Seemed like it was so far away, then suddenly it was here. Had the dress for weeks [Susy and I had an awesome day shopping for it...I was expecting total misery and exhaustion, but it went amazingly well], all the jewelry and accoutrements [wrap, purse, even black slippers to change into if my feet started hurting], and indulged in a manicure/pedicure the night before.

Susy came over to help me get ready Friday night...she rocks. I can't sing her praises enough. We talked, we caught up, she gave me a critical eye on my makeup and tips on girly stuff, she helped me lace into my dress [a minor moment of concern: apparently I've lost some weight since we bought the dress, and it was laced all the way tight and still a little loose...thankfully it was enough], and she did an amazing job on my hair. She's a whiz with a curling iron and hairspray...no way could I have gotten that kind of result on my own. She even played 'mom' and took pictures of us before we left...have I mentioned that she rocks??

Here are the pics Susy took for us [thanks again, Suse!!]:

[Brian is far more photogenic than I am...lucky bastard. He looked amazing. In fact, when he showed up and I saw him in his tux, I was literally breathless. I was trying to put my earring in [he was a few minutes early], but my hand was shaking...Susy just calmly looked at me and asked with a grin, "Would you like me to get that for you?" I think I surprised Brian too...he was very complimentary. I was quite happy with his reaction... :^) ]

The party was pretty impressive...top floor of the Sony Metreon in San Francisco, beautiful view of the city from the outdoor patio, a gorgeous night. It was fun to see people's reactions to seeing me all dressed up...it's a side of me I don't indulge very often, being the lower-maintenance type of person I am. There was a photo booth as well as a prom-style photographer, complete with cheesy blue backdrop [didn't like the photos of me, but as usual, Brian photographed well].

We wandered for a bit, grabbed some bread, tried some sushi, caught up with folks, did the 'see and be seen' thing. The food was a little less than I expected, but we had a bit of pasta. One of my friends told me that MC Hammer was supposed to show up, but we didn't pay too much attention to that...sure, right, uh huh. We sat outside for a while, people watching, talking, just enjoying the evening, then headed downstairs and got tickets to see "Speed Racer" in IMAX.

Yup. We skipped out on the party to see a movie, whilst wearing formal togs. It was a blast...I highly recommend.

As we were getting on the elevator to head to the IMAX theatre, I said to Brian, "If it's over in time, we'll head back up and see if Hammer showed up." Then I look at the folks getting on the elevator, and say quietly to Brian, "Um...I think that's him."

Boys and girls, MC Hammer was in the house.

He got in, looked at us all dressed up, and asked, "Facebook party??" We said yeah, fourth floor...and then I said, "Hammer?" He smiled, shook our hands, talked with us for a bit, told us we looked "fabulous!!" [preen!], then it was time for us to head to the movie...we shook his hand again, thanked him, told him we were heading to see "Speed Racer". He tells us to have a great time, and away we go.

Surreal.

After the movie, we head back up...wander a bit, grab some water, see a few more friends, get caught by a candid photographer. As we head out to the patio, we see Hammer by the door, so we go by to say 'hi'. He grabs my hand, looks at us, and first thing he says is, "How was the movie?" How cool was that??

The party wraps up, some folks head out to hit the bars, we head to the car. We realize we are both starving [like I said, the food wasn't quite a full meal], but nothing is open...so we hit the McDonald's drive-through. Let me tell you, fresh french fries at two in the morning are utterly delicious...yum.

So ended the fancypants evening...much fun, good company, flattering reactions, IMAX movie, french fries, and MC Hammer.

Gonna be hard to beat that one.

[thanks to Oliver for the pic of me and Brian, and to Phil for the pics of the view and of Hammer with Tanja and Jennifer]

the trifecta

In the past year, I have met Vanilla Ice [got a drumstick from him], Sir Mix-A-Lot [talked with him, shook his hand, and my friend Susy got her picture with him], and now...

...MC Hammer. He was at the Facebook formal last night [seriously...more on all that later].

The trifecta is complete.

a preview

Getting ready for the Facebook formal...a pedicure, heels, and rhinestones [our little girl is growing up]:

you know what i like?

I like that getting a manicure and pedicure means you can't really do anything for the rest of the evening, or you might mess them up.

[Shhh...don't tell me otherwise. I like my happy little world of rationalization.]

igludo

[you'll get it when you watch the video]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBzXuFi8No4

more ludo awesomeness

Extremely random: http://www.youtube.com/user/ludotoothbrushthing

ludo = awesome-sauce

Love this song. Love this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCU1JYmGxcA

[watch for the 'coffin' visual pun]

nice to hear

Went to our SF datacenter yesterday with an Ernst & Young auditor, to do some on-site testing...had the post-mortem today to go over their results, questions, exceptions, and so on.

Made it through, and when talking with one of the auditors later, he told me that the senior manager had told him that "Stacey really knows her stuff."

Not too shabby for an IT geek in a finance world... :^)

punishment

Years ago, I found myself in a situation I never thought I would be in...but I came through it, found myself single for pretty much the first time ever, and somehow kept going.

I learned a lot about myself during that time. I learned what I want and don't want in a partner, lessons that I applied later on. I learned that I do want children...I just hadn't found the right person to start a family with. This was a huge awakening for me. I learned that I don't want to compromise myself simply to have someone. I maintain hope that there is someone with whom I click, that wants to share life with me as much as I want to share it with them.

So I have made hard decisions, let go of love that wasn't a good match even though it could have given me stability and a family, tried to stay true to myself and my values. But sometimes it feels as if I'm being punished for making these hard [yet ultimately correct] decisions. And the hardest part is if that is true, then I'm the one punishing myself. I could easily relax, make something happen, settle down, carve out a life with someone, even if they aren't quite the 'right' someone.

But it's not who I am. So I keep cranking along, knowing that if there is a payoff someday, it will be worth it. And if there isn't? Well, at least I stayed true to myself, and didn't hurt other people by giving them less than who I was. It's all about respect: for them, for me, for the people around me.

I respect myself too much to settle, I guess.

an interesting insight

I was talking to a friend last night about the Facebook formal that is coming up next week, and mentioned that I was trying to grow my nails out for it. They look at me, tip their head, and ask puzzledly, "Why don't you just get press-ons?"

Huh.

You know, it never occurred to me. Seriously. I'm not much for falsifying who I am, and I'm not a floofy girly-girl, so it just never crossed my mind that I didn't have to do it the "real" way.

Weird.

happy today!

** DANGER, WILL ROBINSON, DANGER!! **

NOT SAFE FOR WORK!

NOT SAFE FOR YOUNGSTERS!

NOT SAFE FOR PRUDES!

NOT SAFE FOR ANYONE WITH NO SENSE OF HUMOUR!

NOT KIDDING!!!!!!

http://youtube.com/verify_age?next_url=/watch%3Fv%3DO-77ElyvRxI

[I heart Jonathan Coulton.]

ferrous fellow

Can't wait to see 'Iron Man' tomorrow. Had the date booked for two months now, and it's finally here. w00t.

[I'm such a geek. :^) ]

after

after,
originally uploaded by tiredcynic.

tah-dah!!!

before

before,
originally uploaded by tiredcynic.

"some assembly required"

rah.

Today is Facebook's Game Day. Ten teams wearing their team colo(u)rs, playing things like dodgeball, tug-of-war, and so on. Ever since the teams were picked, the offices have been inundated with team propaganda: "Purple Reign" signs, oranges appearing on desks, red poster paint on the bathroom mirrors, the social email list deluged with "<color_of_team> rules!" messages, and so on. This week has been "spirit week", so the shenanigans and trash talking have escalated.

And today is the day.

Me? I'm not so much the "rah rah, drink the kool-aid" type [go fig], so I'm going to be cranking away at my desk, trying to get through the pile of additional stuff the auditors need. I'll head over in the afternoon for the company photo, but will mostly be heads down at my desk, taking advantage of the silence.

Go team.

[okay, that came out a bit sarcastic, but I actually meant it...have fun, you guys.]

some assembly required

Productive lunch...found a new stepper machine [complete with resistance bands for the arms!] and an elliptical machine [smallish, so hopefully it won't dominate my living room]. We'll see how they hold up...they aren't big expensive models, but I figure if they hold up for at least four months, it's the equivalent of a gym membership [and I'll be more likely to use these, with the added bonus of being able to watch BSG or Dexter or Torchwood or Doctor Who whilst working out]. With luck, I'll get out of work soon so I can get home and get them put together and tested out... <crossing fingers>

whoops

My stepper machine just broke in the middle of a workout. Another out-of-pocket expense, to go along with the Facebook formal, rising gas prices [cost me $48 to fill up my tank tonight], and the increase in rent. When it rains, it pours...joyfulness. This is an expense I'll suck up and take, though...I enjoy my workouts [usually while watching Dexter or Battlestar Galactica], and I don't want to stop.

Guess I'm going shopping for exercise equipment at lunch tomorrow...

sigh

My rent is going up again. Second year in a row. Grumble, sigh, harrumph, poo monkeys, damn it.

a much needed break

This weekend was good. Friday night was shopping for a dress for Lawrence [yup, "for" him...he did a "Red Dress Run" with the Silicon Valley Hash House Harriers on Saturday. Can't wait to see the pictures.]. Good times, lots of laughs, awesome sushi, then we saw "Forbidden Kingdom" [it was a little campier than I had hoped, but seeing Jackie Chan and Jet Li together was worth it]. Saturday was tux browsing with Brian...found an awesome one that I can't wait to see on him next week. After that was a very chill weekend [though only in attitude, since the temps were in the 90s all weekend], with movies [the Robin Hood trifecta: Mel Brooks, Disney, and Errol Flynn], good company, naps, lying on the grass watching the stars, playing on the playground, and just generally enjoying the weekend.

And now it's back to the grind. It's getting a little tougher each week; the stomach flip-flops on the drive in, tossing and turning at night, playing the whole 'pros/cons' game. It's always tough when you aren't doing what you really want to do, especially when the times are hectic. And though I've been promised some time off "when the dust settles", the reality is that the dust won't be settling for at least another two to three months. Which doesn't sound like too long, until you realize that it's been pretty much solid 'go-go-go' since last September...

Okay, enough whinging. Grindstone, meet nose...nose, meet grindstone.

[bonus fact: the opening song from Disney's "Robin Hood" is the source for the classic internet meme "HampsterDance".]

shoot me now

Heading into hour two of a six hour meeting [there should be a short break for lunch in there somewhere at least]. It's a little painful [okay, a *lot* painful], though necessary...testing our Oracle implementation prior to full roll-out in less than two months. It will be good, but right now, there just isn't enough of a framework to hang everything on, so it's a little like listening to a Charlie Brown adult going 'wah wah waahhh' sometimes. It doesn't help that the day-to-day is piling up while we are in here...

not so good

still feel like crap, but i'm keeping food down, so i'm at work. wish i weren't, but there is just too much to do. and the hell of it is, i really don't want to do it. i gave fixed assets a shot because i'd never done it before, and it was a way to stay at facebook...but the finance world isn't for me. i know my dad was excited because it meant i could have a chance at making more money in my career path, but the money isn't worth it if i'm sick so much, stressed so much, and just not finding satisfaction in the day-to-day. i'm committed to my manager through the current audit...after that, i've got some hard thinking to do.

more anxiety

I just remembered that tomorrow starts two days of all-day meetings for the next phase of the Oracle implementation...which means I won't be at my desk during the day, so I won't be able to catch up until after the meetings are over.

Shit. Lousy effing timing for stomach troubles.

urgh

Wonky stomach this morning, unhappy early a.m. hours...and of course in the middle of all the fun at work. Though there was no way I could go in to work with this, the weight of the stuff that is piling up for me [my Blackberry has been going nuts all morning] is causing some anxiety.

To repeat: urgh.

wow...who knew??

There exists a formal dress that I actually like, that is flattering for my 'born in the wrong era' figure, that wasn't *too* horribly expensive [though that is a relative term...let's just say it rounds up to $200]. And believe it or not, it was the second dress I tried on...and the first dress was also a 'wow, who knew?' [though this one was even more so]. Found shoes that fit and went well with the dress, found jewelry that should go nicely, got a wrap to keep my shoulders warm. All in all, a quite productive and not-as-exhausting-as-I'd-expected day...thanks in very, very large part to my shopping partner [shout-out to Susy!].

The only drawback is that the back laces up...which makes it a bit difficult to get into on my own. Susy has sweetly volunteered to be my 'lady-in-waiting' if needed, and I might have to take her up on that...or else draft Brian to do the final tweaks to my wardrobe that night. :^)

Thanks again, Susy...it was a blast.

nearly there

Still another couple of hours at work to go, but at least we are heading into the weekend. With luck, I won't be working it...instead, I'll be shopping for formal togs: dress shopping with Susy on Saturday, then tux browsing with Brian Sunday. See, Facebook is having a formal "Black & White Ball" in May [what is being referred to as "the Facebook Prom"].

Yup. Yours truly, the cargo-pant-wearing, no frills, non-girly-girl is going to get all gussied up. Watch for a run on ice skates in Hades, mind the winged swines, and all that...it's an unusual occurrence to be sure.

well whadya know?

http://bwnt.businessweek.com/interactive_reports/innovative_companies/?chan=magazine+channel_special+report

treadmill

One of those periods in life when it feels like the treadmill is set two clicks too high...you can keep up, but it's awkward and exhausting. Been working twelve- and thirteen-hour days, and it's getting to me. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but it's still at least three weeks away...so just doing what I can to keep chugging along. Thankfully I've got some good friends who understand that I've fallen off the radar for a bit, don't take it personally, and who are there for me when I do have time. That helps a lot.

Back to the grind...

well, boys and girls...

...another year has passed since "that day in Toronto". I don't dwell on it, but it is undeniably burned into my brain. It was a major pivot point in my life, a time that started a cascade of events that still has aftershocks today. I may never quite wrap my brain around everything, why it happened, what I could have done differently, what effect it is having on me even now...so I spend a few moments to roll it around a bit, let the thoughts and feelings do their things, then release them into the universe and keep going.

It's all any of us can do, really.

good times ahead

An Amazon shipment came in today...in it was a DVD of "The Five Pennies" with Danny Kaye. One of my favorites...sweet, good love story, pain, triumph. I've always had a crush on Danny Kaye, and this is one of my favorites of his ["The Court Jester" is probably my absolute favorite]. How can you go wrong with a movie that includes duets with Danny Kaye and Louis Armstrong?

not a bad evening

Exercising [step machine thingy for the legs plus resistance bands for the arms] whilst watching Doctor Who...not a bad way to spend some time. And the episode of Doctor Who was fun and fluffy, a good way to pass the time while working out, with one 'holyshitomgwtf' moment at the end. Evil writers...such teases.

Can't wait to see how this one plays out...

shifting gears

It's always hard to let go of a good time, especially when you've been able to escape for a while and leave the world behind. There's a bit of sadness and melancholy, and more than a little 'want to throw a tantrum and kick and scream and shout 'NOOOOO!! III DOOOOON'T WANNNNAAA!!' in protest', whilst holding on tooth and nail to every last little bit of peace and contentment, knowing that soon the daily routine starts again, your time is no longer your own, and you are once again at the mercy of the requirements and demands and needs and whims of others around you.

But as hard as it is to let go, at least you had those times...and there is a better than average chance of having more like them. Which in turn gives you a firmer handle on just what it is you go through that daily routine for: for moments just like those. Remember, you aren't living to work, you are working to live.

The distinction is important. And *that* is what you should hold on to with all your might...it's what makes it all worthwhile.

stunned [in a good way]

Showed my old passport and driver's license photos to a friend yesterday...the ones taken during a different life, when I was a different stacey. She looked at the pictures, looked at me, looked back again...and said "You know, you look younger now than you did then."

Considering that the photos were taken ten years ago [literally], I was taken aback. Talk about a flattering thing to say...wow.

sparkly

Just got hit with one of my vegas migraines [okay, so it's really called an opthalmic migraine]. It starts with a small sparkly dot that expands to block a third to half of my field of vision...it literally blinds me. Then about 20-30 minutes later, the pain hits...whee.

[You know, typing is really interesting when you can only see one character at a time...]

sometimes goodbye's the only way

Had to say goodbye to two good friends recently. No, it was nothing terribly dramatic, no deaths or disasters...just a severing of ties and a closing of doors. The details are for another time [maybe], but the result is that while I am saddened by the loss of the friendships, I am able to look myself in the mirror and know that I did what I could, that my conscience is clear, and that I am not compromising myself by accepting less than I give.

Does it keep it from hurting? No. It's never easy when you have to let go after allowing someone in beyond your barriers. But that is the way of life: paths cross, they run parallel, they move apart. The trick is making the most of the times they are shared, and learning from them when they diverge.

It's all part of the human condition. It's not always pretty, it's certainly not easy, but it's all we've got...and we owe it to ourselves to make the most of it.

bleary-eyed

Finance group outing to Napa today...shuttle leaves the office at 6:45a. I don't mean to sound ungrateful...I really do think it's cool that they are doing this for the group. But I'm going to have to work this weekend to make up for not being in the office today, I'm really not a 'group wine tour' person, and they are planning on drinking heavily [so much so that they have planned for sickness bags for the ride home, just in case]. Oh, and there are going to be games on the bus ride to and from, like "tell two true things and one false thing about yourself so the group can guess which is the lie". I'm not a fan of those forced socialization games and 'rah-rah' activities...it's hard for me to muster the right enthusiasm and interest.

I will likely end the day thoroughly drained and wiped out, the introvert in me struggling to keep up with the demands this type of social situation can put on you, with a serious need of recharging that won't be able to happen for a while. But the mask will be on, the smile will be firmly planted on my face, and I will end up having a decent time, I'm sure.

I hope.

cautious optimism

They think they found the cause of the power outages in the server room: a loose wire in a circuit breaker that would cause it to draw incremental bits of power until finally it popped. I'm still paranoid and keeping an eye on everything, but I'm hoping that was the problem.

ugh/sigh/sheesh/harrumph

Had to rush into work before 7a this morning to deal with YADBO [yet another database outage]. I won't go into details, but it's all working now, and we are getting further along in the 'patch it, fix it, keep it from happening again' process.

But man, I'm tired. And stinky [no time to shower]. And grumpy.

Woe betide any who cross my path today... <insert evil yet tired laugh here>

contentment

Good times so far this weekend. Got to hang out with mi mejor amigo finally [no late night calls from the office about servers and databases going down]. Been ages since we've been able to chill with just the two of us...

We went to the movies and saw "10,000 BC", then "Never Back Down". Didn't have high expectations for either one, and ended up having a really good time. "10KBC" was a bit silly [okay, more than a bit], but after a willing suspension of disbelief, we relaxed into it and enjoyed it. It was quite beautiful to watch, very epic, with an amazing scope and scale.

"Never Back Down" was yet another version of a quite trite storyline, but was actually fairly well done. Oh don't get me wrong...it was fluffy and had its flaws, but some of the characters were very well cast: the asshole pompous dick who is way too full of himself, the frickin' adorable dork friend who just wants to be accepted [and actually ends up with a girl at the end], and my favorite, the chick that the dick is dating and is coveted by the hero of the story. She was a good character, and even better, she wasn't yet another rail-thin stick in a bikini...she had a lovely, real body, and she stood up for herself and didn't just let things happen to her, or wait for some guy to come along and "save" her. We had some concern about the fight scenes [the movie is about MMA, mixed martial arts, and L is a skilled practitioner], but they came through...they showed respect to the art, and according to L, the fight scenes were pretty realistic. A few kicks and hits that, had they been real, would have resulted in hospital visits or death instead of just a momentary knock out and the person shaking it off, but in general, good stuff. We were pleased with the evening.

Afterwards, we hung out, talked, caught up, and then played some "Assassin's Creed" [well, he played, whilst I oohed and awwed and holy shitted...it's a beautiful game]. Crashed on his couch around 3a, woke up around 9a or so...then watched part of "Appleseed: Deus Ex Machina", some incredible anime [I'm hooked...I must see more].

Made it home around noon, fed the cat, then napped...woke up, hopped into the shower, then met up with another friend for a very relaxing, lazy Saturday of music, food, driving around, movies ["Run Fat Boy, Run" and "Blazing Saddles"], a trip to Micro Center to check out power supplies for his tower, talking, geeking out, chilling. Good times...good times.

And now I'm kicking back, reading some of the comic books I bought at lunch the other day, enjoying life. It's been a good few days.

bookend

Server issues...power outage in the server room, no UPSes to help shut things down nicely, database closed dirty. Makes the week perfect, since Monday started with a dead database and many hours lost [in large part because the major users of the database didn't let me run maintenance on it a week prior, when it started failing consistency checks: "We have deadlines, we can't afford the three hours of downtime you are asking for." So instead they ended up with nearly a day of downtime, closer to the deadline...how's that working out for ya, huh?].

Running consistency checks now...knocking on wood, crossing fingers, circling thrice widdershins around the sacred oak [shout out to my FB peeps on that one, yo!!], visualizing success, bribing the silicon gods, whatever it takes to help make sure that I don't have to come into work *this* weekend as well.

catalyst

Courtesy of Merriam-Webster:

catalyst, noun: an agent that provokes or speeds significant change or action

more solace in music

Assemblage 23's "Ground"

Be still
Though chaos rains around you now
Only so much rain can fall at once
Breathe in
And let the air envelope you
And slow but sure, serenity will come

CHORUS
Close your eyes
Try to breathe
Feel the ground beneath your feet
It's still there
The world still turns around

Stand up
Though circumstance has knocked you down
There is nothing gained by staying within its reach

Take strength
In every failure you endure
Our mistakes have many lessons they can teach

(CHORUS)

Destroy
These walls you've built around yourself
You can't take another step until they're gone

Move out
No use in dwelling in the past
Bid farewell to all your fears and carry on

(CHORUS)

fun with facebook statuses

Been a rough morning...database issues, politics, servers running out of room, much joyfulness. In my last email to the people involved in the current kerfuffle, I recommended that they 'keep their fingers crossed, make their sacrifices to the silicon gods, knock on wood, walk thrice widdershins around the sacred oak, whatever it takes to keep the good vibes going'.

Then I changed my Facebook status to:

"Stacey is knocking on wood and walking thrice widdershins around the sacred oak."

Within seconds, this popped up [names changed to protect the guilty]:

"Bob is wondering what a widdershin is."

Then from another friend:

"Steve is a sacred oak."

So I changed mine:

"Stacey is walking around Steve. Thrice. Widdershins."

And just now saw this:

"Steve is getting dizzy from people circling him."

<grin>

and so it ends...

An awesome weekend comes to a close. Trying to stretch it out a little bit more with a book and some quiet time...not ready to give up on the Sunday yet. Comedy club last night, ended up walking out on Norm Macdonald [he just wasn't that funny, and we weren't drinking, so he didn't get any funnier]. Watched 'Team America' [finally...some wicked satire there], 'Invasion' [not so good], and 'Spaceballs' [holds up surprisingly well], good conversations, good times [to quote a friend].

And now I am home, winding down, stalling. Laundry is laundering, dishes are soaking, cat is fed, Stacey is smiling...

...good times.

today was an awesome day

Well, the evening was, anyway. To RWC with S & B to see 'Tainted Love'; dinner and margaritas first, then the show. Quite excellent, as always...first time seeing the new guy [in a Members Only jacket, thank you very much], and verily, he did rock. Much bopping, whoo-ing, fist pumping, and rocking was done...throats are sore, voices are raspy, ears are ringing. All signs of a successful concert.

Spent some time chilling after...driving, talking [me talking way too much...sorry guys], hanging at my place, looking at pics [how boring for the other two], basically coming down from the whole evening. Drop S off at her car, sit talking with B for a while, listening to the rain, then an oddly tired/wired/pensive/melancholy/thoughtful/floaty drive home. Wasn't ready to head inside just yet, so turned around and headed east on San Antonio, to the park at the very end. Sat quietly with my thoughts, some soft music, and the clouds, until I finally had to give in, give up, and come home.

So here I am now, with brain monkeys eeping their way through my thoughts, keeping me from resting.

Frickin' monkeys. Where's a banana when you need one?

[eep eek ook]

today is an awesome day

It's pi day, Einstein's birthday, and steak day...w00t!

[google for 'march 14th' and 'steak' <grin>]

happy pi day!

Math dorks like me think today is cool... :^)

ouch

$3.92 a gallon for gas.

take a chance

Quote from "Goodnight" by ZOX:

"You have to leave the ground to learn to fly."

ugh yawn sigh

Just now got home. Spent the night working on the database...4.5 hours later, the recovery failed. Had to back everything out and put things back the way they were. I'll have to try again another day [ugh].

A very sweet man came by bearing treats and smiles just as things were going to hell...a case of excellent timing. It made the defeat easier to bear, and ended the night [morning] on a brighter note than it would have otherwise. Still drained, tired, annoyed, and not looking forward to repeating all this another night, but he helped make it better.

Now off to bed...tomorrow, er, *today* is another day.

thoughts

* I've got good people around me. I don't make close friendships easily, so I treasure the ones I have.

* I've recently been described as "confident", "vibrant", "effortless", and "a true friend" by multiple people. Except for the 'true friend' [which I try very hard to be...respect for myself and for the people around me is a core part of my beliefs], I don't see it. But I am flattered by the faith the people I love have in me.

* Work is not all there is to life. We know this, intellectually, but putting it into practice is a harder thing.

* Another core part of Stacey: the belief in paths. They cross, they coincide, they diverge. It's natural, it's expected, it's healthy.

* One of these days, I'll find someone who follows their words with actions.

* Amendment: I have those people in my life right now...maybe not as partners, but I am fortunate enough to have people I can trust and lean on.

* I am fortunate enough to have someone who loves me enough to tell me hard truths.

* An interesting take on the 'confidence' thing from one of the aforementioned someones: just last night, when I said that I didn't *feel* confident or strong or vibrant or whatever, they told me that I am a rarity in that I like myself, I accept myself, and I am comfortable with who I am, while striving to continue to improve and grow. They said that it is this part of me that comes across as confidence. I'm going to have to think about that.

* I wish I could blame other people for my own decisions/choices/consequences, even for a little while. I could use a respite from the introspection.

* It's hard to type with a cat plopped over your right forearm.

* Stalling in the morning doesn't make the day start any later...it just makes you more in a hurry.

* Life goes on. Life is short. Stay as true to yourself as you can. Take care of others. Take care of yourself. Love each other. Care.