Thursday, September 27, 2007

worth fighting for

One of the land mines that was installed during "the dark days" with Greg was a need to have someone in my life that found me worth fighting for. More specifically, someone that followed through when they *said* I was worth fighting for and they wanted me as a part of their lives. The hypocrisy and manipulation were the parts I struggled with...telling me what a priority I was, that they loved me and couldn't picture their lives without me, that I was important to them, only to have their actions not match their words. It has happened three times in my adult life, with my heart invested in each person, only to find that the words were just there to keep me on deck, to keep them from having to truly face the situation and their feelings, to keep their own status quo, and to keep them from having to choose to either make it work or to let me go. Limbo is an unhappy place, especially when it is forced upon you from outside.

With the help of time, introspection, and some outside assistance [thank you, DrBob], I am slowly and painfully learning to recognize when the words are just words, to distance myself and open my eyes to *actions* and the truth that is shown through them. It hurts like hell, because we all want and need to believe that we are important to others; that's what makes it so easy to want to trust the words and not look any deeper. But being played with hurts more in the long run, and is far more damaging to your self-worth and confidence; taking control of your own life and getting yourself out of limbo is hard, but necessary if you want to grow and survive.

This all ties in to the 'reexamine where your energies are going' vibe that I am forcing onto myself currently...look at actions, look at the people who genuinely give and make room for you in their lives, and you'll find the people who are worth keeping room for in your heart. That objectiveness is hard to come by, hard to achieve, and harder to hold on to, because the things you see at that distance are not ones that are easy to look at under the bright light of scrutiny. The trick is learning not to squint...

[But damn it, one of these days there will be someone who feels for me what I feel for them, someone who truly means it when they say they want me in their lives and is willing to follow through and team up with me to make it through these limited days we have on this planet. Mind you, I'm not holding my breath or pining pitifully for that mystery person...the good news is that I am okay being alone, and I like myself and who I am. So while being lonely may suck, and people playing with your heart can hurt like hell, I don't have to compromise my principles or myself just to have someone there when I come home at night. I *want* someone to share the moments with...but I don't *need* someone to be whole. And that is a lesson that was very hard won...]

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